Why is it that the more I have floating around in my brain and the more I feel compelled to put down, the harder it is for me to do it?
I’ve been quite preoccupied with that question lately because out of all the challenges I’m facing in my life right now, that’s the one that has kind of floated to the top. Perhaps it’s because it’s the one issue that I can address simply by facing the problem head-on by just writing, without regards as to whether or not what I’m saying is the “right” thing. But that’s just so hard sometimes.
If you’re still reading, I apologize that this post won’t be maybe as interesting (I know, I’m flattering myself) as usual simply because it’s kind of cathartic. It’s free therapy for the frustrated mind.
I have simply got so much going on right now. Maybe my day planner isn’t filled with appointments and maybe I don’t necessarily have a lot of commitments outside of personal goals and such. But the baby’s coming, I miss my life in Korea and Chicago, I want to be working, and our financial situation isn’t ideal (but whose is when a baby’s on the way?). I’m filled with thoughts about all these hurdles and I’m becoming overwhelmed trying to find a starting place in working them out productively.
I want more than anything to speak clearly, precisely, poignantly, and wittily, but I sometimes feel like the topics I want to cover and the frustrations that I have are way too formidable for me to develop the confidence to get started. I don’t have complete and utter control going in, so I end up psyching myself out and never beginning.
I want to be the kind of person who can own my challenges and confidently trust myself to deal with them. The most important thing I have that is spurring me to not give up is Bebe, my little treasure, whose development is going to be my primary responsibility once (s)he arrives. Right now, outside of taking care of myself physically, one of the best things I can be doing for Bebe is being patient with myself and continuing to love myself with more than just a fraction of the love I already have for her and her dad.