So many thoughts, so many ways not to write about them

Why is it that the more I have floating around in my brain and the more I feel compelled to put down, the harder it is for me to do it?

I’ve been quite preoccupied with that question lately because out of all the challenges I’m facing in my life right now, that’s the one that has kind of floated to the top. Perhaps it’s because it’s the one issue that I can address simply by facing the problem head-on by just writing, without regards as to whether or not what I’m saying is the “right” thing. But that’s just so hard sometimes.

If you’re still reading, I apologize that this post won’t be maybe as interesting (I know, I’m flattering myself) as usual simply because it’s kind of cathartic. It’s free therapy for the frustrated mind.

I have simply got so much going on right now. Maybe my day planner isn’t filled with appointments and maybe I don’t necessarily have a lot of commitments outside of personal goals and such. But the baby’s coming, I miss my life in Korea and Chicago, I want to be working, and our financial situation isn’t ideal (but whose is when a baby’s on the way?). I’m filled with thoughts about all these hurdles and I’m becoming overwhelmed trying to find a starting place in working them out productively.

I want more than anything to speak clearly, precisely, poignantly, and wittily, but I sometimes feel like the topics I want to cover and the frustrations that I have are way too¬†formidable for me to develop the confidence to get started. I don’t have complete and utter control going in, so I end up psyching myself out and never beginning.

I want to be the kind of person who can own my challenges and confidently trust myself to deal with them. The most important thing I have that is spurring me to not give up is Bebe, my little treasure, whose development is going to be my primary responsibility once (s)he arrives. Right now, outside of taking care of myself physically, one of the best things I can be doing for Bebe is being patient with myself and continuing to love myself with more than just a fraction of the love I already have for her and her dad.

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10 comments

  1. This is so sweet, and you are right, the best thing you can do is love yourself. :) I am sorry it’s difficult, but the time will come when you can tackle these feelings. You are one of the strongest and bravest people I know, and I am intensely proud of you every day.

  2. Ah, yes…the waiting…seems to go on forever, until it doesn’t. All your thoughts, feelings, slight confusions etc. sound familiar and totally normal. Just remember to relax and give yourself lots of hugs.

  3. You’re gonna be a great mom! The other stuff will fall into place – sounds like you know your priorities.

    it took me a long time after I moved to find employment where I like them and they wanted me to work for them at the same time. Eventually, it will happen, though. Just hang in there!

  4. You have so much going on right now, hang in there! Things always have a way of working out for the best.

  5. Thanks for all the encouragement, guys! Although I’m in the midst of a funk, my mom is here visiting me this week and she is doing a fantastic job of lifting me out of it :)

  6. Yes, love yourself, take care of yourself, because those things overflow into your loving and caring for others. You will be a wonderful mother! You already are!
    Don’t worry. God will take care of every need you have in the best way possible. He has promised us this.

  7. Our situations feel so similar, only misaligned in time by a few years. I’m missing my home, I’m not working for the first time in forever, and I’m trying not to emotionally spin out and keep focus on this baby that still doesn’t feel real.
    I can relate.

    1. I’m so glad you’re getting something out of these old posts. When I saw the notifications that you had been reading them, I went through a couple myself. The crazy thing about reading them is that they seem like a complete lifetime ago even though I only wrote them a couple years ago. Babies have an insane ability to contort time.

      When I look back, Cece really didn’t seem real me to even when I was full term. This is going to sound strange, but I don’t think I grasped the reality of her until she was probably five or six months old. And I’m still learning.

      1. I can see that. I’m just so curious to see how this thing unfolds for me.

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