Things I’d Like to Retire

There have lately been a few things that I would kindly like to be taken out to pasture. Here we go:

1. Mom Jokes

It’s Target, not “Tar-jey.” No one thinks you’re French. No one thinks you’re clever.

2. Obsession with bacon

I think the awesomeness of bacon is pretty evident. Ron Swanson put that one to rest nicely. The glories of salted and cured pork belly were established a long, long time ago and have been recognized by many cultures. Bacon chocolate is not novel anymore.

3. Talking about how you don’t have a cell phone

This may’ve been a somewhat interesting factoid about you five years ago, but now you just sound foolish. Congratulations, you’ve successfully proven that existence is possible without a phone. Now how about championing something that actually matters?

Also, please stop bragging about how you’re not on Facebook. If you were on Facebook, you’d know that no one actually likes it anymore and no one cares. It’s like bragging that you don’t keep up with the Kardashians.

4. Family car decals

Source: grassrootsmotorsports.com

Like the “Baby on Board” signs from years back, these decals make you look like you’re using your kid as an excuse to be a bad driver. Being a parent allows you to get away with a lot of harmless things like not washing your hair for a couple days, but it doesn’t give you a pass for being a crappy driver. I don’t care how many kids you’re carting around; you can still use a freaking turn signal.

5. Most S*$% People Say Videos

On a good day, 20% of these videos are actually funny. An unfortunate 50% are made by people who think that owning a good video editor on their Mac gives them license to make a dumb video that only makes sense to their circle of friends. The remaining 30% are just guys in wigs making fun of their girlfriends and sisters and then smacking a label on it.

6. Weird celebrity endorsements 

Jackie Chan is doing V8 commercials now. Why? I’d really just like an explanation. I’m sure there is one. I hope there is one.

7. Acting like it’s a big surprise that a particular foreign food is good

You tried Indian food. Your response: Dude, SO GOOD!

You tried Peruvian food. Your response: That stuff was awesome!

You pressed your luck and tried Ethiopian food. Your response: WOW! How yummy!

One billion people can't be wrong.

So yeah, it turns out that people all around the world value deliciousness in their food. I couldn’t believe it, either.

8. Intentional Adult Burping

I don’t think a lot of explanation is necessary. If you’ve made it to adulthood, you know that drinking soft drinks and alcohol makes you gassy. Acquiring this kind of life lesson is what childhood is for. So don’t burp in my face and think that it’s cute. You are gross.

I’m going to stop now because I’m dangerously close to starting in on bloggy things that get on my nerves. The instant I publish those, I know I’ll start doing them myself.

Must. Use. Discretion. Dammit! What did I tell you?!

*****

Congrats to nevercontrary for being Freshly Pressed! She’s been a longtime peruser of The Waiting and I always look forward to her hilarious comments. Check out her post that’s getting some well-deserved attention.

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66 comments

  1. Well, crap. I won’t mention that I don’t have a cell phone. Although I will continue to rant about children and cell phones.

    Is it okay if I call it “Tar-jey” ironically?

    1. It’s OK if you simply don’t have one. My husband doesn’t have one either. It’s when people go out of their way to bring it up in conversation and act like it makes them real neat that I want to stab myself.

      And EVERYTHING is great ironically ;) And I don’t mean that ironically.

  2. Obsession with mustaches can go, too. I get it: they’re silly. But when we get to the point of girls getting mustache tattoos on their index fingers so they can hold them up to their face in order to appear funny and ironic (for real. google it.) I draw the line.

    1. Oh I’ve seen it! They just look like hipster Pringles cans when they do this.

  3. Now. Now. You are going to have a kid soon. And I’d almost be willing to bet you have some kind of kid related bumper sticker on your car before all is said and done. Perhaps one of those My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Roll kid ones?

    1. I can heartily assure you that I got bumper-sticker mania out of my system when I was eighteen. There will be no family stickers.

      1. I want to say the same thing. However, I have a niggling suspicion if my child brings one home and exerts the correct pressure, I will have a bumper sticker.

        1. I got one of those long rectangle stickers when I was a kid and I stretched it between the handlebars on my bike. As if you needed more proof that I was nerdy growing up.

      2. I completely agree on the “no-bumper-sticker” thing. My kids are 16 and 13 and have had lots of accomplishments, but I’ve never advertised them on my car. That’s what Xmas newsletters are for. The rest of us don’t care. We’re too busy trying to get our kids to the orthodontist (or where ever) on time. Great post!

        1. PLUS cars are kinda expensive. I don’t want to defile mine with a smug sticker. Although I did see a funny one once that said “Proud parent of a child.” More realistic than most of the other ones out there.

          Thank you for coming by and commenting!

  4. How about, I have a cell phone.. but it’s a really cheap and pay-as-you-go one, because I really don’t need to read the internet off a 3 inch screen 24 hours a day. My wife’s phone is for that. I yes, And yes, I hate facebook and don’t use it anymore (anyone else think that IPO may not work out so well?). I think that particular fad is facing it’s last few years. Please.

    1. I am a fellow Tracfoner and it has served me well, mostly because I’m not a big fan of talking on the phone unless I absolutely have to.

      And the Facebook IPO is going to be such a comedy of errors I can’t wrap my brain around it.

  5. You are hilarious. I am also so over bacon. Probably because I never liked it anyway. I think instead of talking about how bacon is so awesome, we should all be talking about how Ron Swanson is awesome. Chocolate-covered Ron Swanson sounds good.

    1. You know, it does. That sounds like a promising basis for a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor.

  6. Oh wait, can we add people who refer to their husband as ‘hubs’ to the retirement list? I just read it in another blog and nearly lost my lunch.

    1. ACK! YES WE CAN! When I was lying in bed last night thinking of notes for this post, that was one of the first things that popped in my head but since I didn’t write it down, it obviously fell by the wayside. Thank you for bringing this to our attention!

      1. I am guilty of using “hubs” but it’s really b/c I can’t use his real name on my blog. I could use something like “DH” or “life partner” or “my beloved” but hubs seemed easiest.

        I hate it when I try to talk to someone about some tv show I’m loving at the moment and they say they “don’t watch tv.” Conversation killer/judgment all wrapped in one.

        1. Haha I do it too occasionally and then imagine myself being married to a big wheel. I think it’s mostly that if he ever heard me referring to him as “hubs”, he would outlaw it immediately, He is really finicky like that!

          I don’t know when people got to be so judgmental about TV. Yeah, a lot of it is dumb, but so much of it is good! I’m thinking Mad Men, Portlandia, Parks and Rec, etc. They offer a good balance to reality TV and the myriad shows that have replaced Oprah.

  7. This post is fantastic. I am laughing my butt off.

    1. Thanks! We aim to please.

  8. Your comment about the family car stickers made me literally LOL. I am doing the unthinkable and buying my first minivan in a few weeks. I was adamant about NOT having those stupid things on my vehicle…until I found zombie ones.
    And I’m still on the bacon and mustache train. I just realized that all of this may make me part hipster.
    Shit.

    1. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go into the hipster territory in this post, mostly because I AM a wannabe hipster, which I think (know) is way worse than being an actual hipster.

      Zombie stickers will for sure cancel out the van-ishness of your new car ;) This is the balance of the universe that we need.

      1. I completely agree about zombie stickers making the new “fun bus” cooler. They are pretty awesome. :)

        https://store.gama-go.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=EA1215

        1. “Fun bus”….may have to steal that!

  9. Thank GOD the family car stickers haven’t made it as far as Europe. :) UGH. Or mustache tattoos! We are obviously missing out. I’d love to hear your list of irritating bloggy things!

    1. I now realize that this post is a great ad for not vacationing in America. If I ever have the nerve to write that other post, I may just email it to you so as not to ostracize myself from the entire blogging community ;)

  10. Samantha · · Reply

    Amen sister! But I too am still on the bacon and obviously mustache train. Though my husband had the mustache long before it was hip. And real mustaches can be awfully gross. My husband sneezed once, omg snotty mess. We almost got divorced, haha. Can we add I don’t watch tv to that list. It drives me crazy when people are too cool to watch tv, especially when they own one. Do they just use it as a table?

    1. Absolutely! It makes me think of the scene in Pulp Fiction when the guy is like, “oh sorry I don’t watch TV” and the other guy says, “yes, but you are aware of the invention of the TV and how you can view programs on it” (slight paraphrase). So annoying!

      1. What are your views of Super Bowl Sunday? Can’t wait to read!
        AKA, Mom

        1. I don’t follow football and all I know is that Rachael Ray has been making some really gross looking dips all week on her show for people to serve at their SB parties. That’s all I’ve got for now but I’ll try to muster up some cohesive thoughts about this evidently important event.

  11. Thanks for the mention !
    Plus I do none of those things so I am in the clear for now . Phew . Pleasing you is exhausting

    1. Hahaha My family has always said the same thing!

  12. Kardashian jokes are officially lame now, too (“as (fill in the blank) as a Kardashian (doing something bimbo-ish)…”). Also, please, let’s retire “at the end of the day” cliche to emphasize what’s important. Thanks for a great list!!

    1. I need to show your comment to my husband because I say “at the end of the day” all the time and it drives him absolutely crazy. I could be saying the most plausible thing ever but he’ll cut me off completely and make me rephrase myself. And you’re both right; it’s the most inane thing to say!

  13. Calling Target “Tar-jey” was a joke when I was in middle school more than (gulp!) 20 years ago. Lame back in the day, still lame to day. To confess, when I was in middle school wandering around target, I noticed the Lingerie sign and asked my mom, “What is ling-er-ee?” (hard g sound, as in linger). It took a few years for me to realize how that word should actually be pronounced.

    Great list!

    1. Hahaha! I love phonics mishaps! :)

  14. I so agree with all of these…except #8. Belching is, like, my best talent. Please don’t take that away from me.

    And chocolate covered Ron Swanson? Yes. Please.

    1. As long as you don’t burp in my face on purpose, we’re good ;)

      We really need to hammer out this chocolate covered Ron Swanson recipe. If I’m ever pregnant again, it sounds like something I could potentially crave.

  15. Can I add the phrase “just sayin” to the list? That one drives me crazy. Of course you are, “just saying” what else would you be doing?

    1. It annoys me too because it’s one of these “insurance policy” phrases where people think they can say something really offensive or ignorant, but if they say “just saying” after it, no one has a right to get upset. So dumb.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  16. I agree. With all of it. I also feel people just should not put stickers on their cars in general. I don’t understand the fascination with slapping a cheap sticker on one of the more expensuie things you own. No one can ever read them anyway.

    1. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

  17. I know for a fact that I found your blog because someone nominated you for the versatile blogger award, which I think is a stupid name for an award anyways. But…..I just nominated you again. No compulsion for anything, though, so don’t worry.

    Keep it up!

    1. Thank you! You are too kind.

  18. All I can say is “Amen! Testify!”

    1. Preach it! BTW, love your blog and thanks for checking mine out :)

  19. I have to agree,my new friend!

  20. Is it okay that I use my prepaid, 1999 cell phone (which I call the Fisher Price “My First Cell Phone”) as a conversation starter? Because I’ve found it’s a much better ice breaker than when I launch into my favorite episodes of Leave it to Beaver.

    1. Um, that is an awesome conversation starter! :) You can call me on my giant Zach Morris phone and talk to me about Leave it to Beaver anytime!

  21. […] I read a great blog post on The Waiting (one of my favorite funny blogs). The post is called Things I’d like to Retire and number four on that hit parade is Family Car Decals, like “Baby on Board” or “I Break for […]

  22. This is so funny! I agree with almost all of them. Ok, except the recently published S&%#T Burquenos say still makes me laugh, 12 views later… maybe it’s a regional thing, but I think it’s fantastic. The surprise about “ethnic” food being good is similar to responses I get after I cook a vegetarian meal. WOW, TASTY! As if for most of history humans HAVE ALWAYS gorged themselves silly on pound after excessive pound of meat… no, the dawning of civilization occurred when people learned to plant and harvest, not track and hunt. Plants have always been good. Anyway, well done!

    1. Good point! I have to admit that I’m still in the camp that is still kind of amazed when I make a vegetarian dish and it turns out really well. Quinoa flabbergasts me with it’s versatility and deliciousness. But you’re right…it IS a major staple of S American cuisine and has been for thousands of years. So yeah, I would imagine that it WOULD taste good.

      Thanks for commenting!

  23. The family stickers on the car is what gets me. I don’t need to know that you have five kids, two dogs, three cats and a live-in mistress via stick figure decals. It’s just not necessary, or endearing.

  24. WELL. I guess we’re not online friends anymore…

    1. It was the jab at mom jokes, right?

      1. Talk to the hand because the face don’t wanna hear it!

        1. It is kind of a sticky subject.

          1. What, your hand?? Gross!

            1. You have no idea. I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say that as a parent I have at least two body fluids on me at almost all times.

              1. This has been an interesting chat.

                1. That’s what my therapist usually says too.

          2. Omg. My dumb joke just backfired severely just now. This is why I don’t multitask, Emily.

  25. My husband still brags about not being on Facebook. I’m going to tell him you said to cut that shit out.

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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