It’s a Wonder Google Works At All

One of the fun things about WordPress is that you can see the search engine terms that brought others to your blog. The pure randomness of them helps give you a pretty nice snapshot of how miraculous it is that the Google functions with any efficacy. The other day I got a search engine term that I would like to address for those of you who have also wondered:

what you mean waiting?

This blog is titled “The Waiting” for a couple of reasons, the primary one being that I’m pregnant and therefore waiting for my baby to come. There is some logic to that, I believe. Coherency.

There is not a lot of logic to how some people got to this blog by plugging in certain search engine terms. But they got here nonetheless. And I think that since they apparently scrolled down to the 34,123rd link (mine) in their Google search and thought enough of it to enter the blog, we should at least dignify their searches with some content.

So today we will play a game I like to call “Find the Real Search Engine Term.” Let’s dive right in.

1. Today was a bad day for many reasons. I forgot to bring my lunch to school, I had a pop quiz in algebra, and I missed the bus on my way home. But the thing that spoiled my day worst of all was that I found out ________.

a. my dad made my teacher pregnant.

b. a hair was growing out of my tongue.

c. the baby had only one eye.

***

2. With the sudden passing of his cat Marlene, the middle-aged cashier at 7/11 reassessed his life and decided it was high time he start composing his memoirs. On March 27th, he penned the first line of the story of his life:

a. “Handling child custody when parents are on meth is difficult.”

b. “I was 14 when I developed a feeling for loving to wear panties and some female clothing.”

c. “Lots of people were jumping off the boat.”

***

Source: splibraries.org

3. There is a great deal of discussion about the problem of childhood illiteracy in America. Many contend that as long as the youth are reading anything at all rather than watching smutty television, it is a victory for our culture. However, lately with the publication and overwhelming success of ____________ among juveniles, parents and educators alike are beginning to reassess their preference of books over video games.

a. Beebs and Her Money Makers

b. Braces Make Me Want to Kill Myself

c. The Perks of Being a Hipster Loser

***

4. With the heyday of celebrity chefs, cable channels devoted exclusively to food culture, and websites chronicling every recipe imaginable, it has become more difficult for the home cook to feel as though s/he can infuse any originality into her own cooking. Luckily, creativity is in no short supply for the makers of ________.

a. Coors Cake

b. Spam Pudding

c. Plutonium Yellow Dumplings

***

Source: webmd.com

5. Indeed, causing an unplanned pregnancy brings about stress in any man’s life. He quickly assesses what parts of his daily routine could have brought about his new potency.

a. “The shark tank made me stronger.”

b. “On my feet all day, sore but strong.”

c. “I drink coffee so I got my girl pregnant.”

***

6. With the popularity of viral image memes and social networking sites such as Twitter, people often look to the Internet to see where that song or hashtag they can’t get out of their minds originated. Correctly attributing this information not only helps them appear more on-the-cusp at cocktail parties, but it also helps them avoid plagiarism litigation. It is critical to know __________.

a. the moment when The Situation became a douchey star.

b. if “live simply, laugh often, love deeply” is in the Bible.

c. who said nerdy girls don’t get drunk.

***

7. It takes a special person to see the extraordinary in the mundane. Carol Sedgewick, a researcher at the University of Nova Scotia, has devoted her professional life to eradicating HIV/AIDS. The contribution she has personally made to finding a cure for the disease cannot be understated. However, she commented in a recent interview that her real passion lies in ____________.

a. creating city maps of the best public bathrooms.

b. photographing the most beautiful chickens.

c. smocking gorgeous frilly diapers.

Source: about.com

***

"Excuse me, waiter?"

8. New parents face challenges every day that no amount of planning during pregnancy can prepare them for. Every part of their lives is affected by their bundle of joy, and they often mourn the loss of their prior freewheeling lifestyles. But Spencies, a specialty toy manufacturer based out of Ann Arbor, hopes that their new line of infant toys will help bridge the gap between babies and their still-cool parents. The line includes toys such as _______.

a. a cigar kazoo, to celebrate the arrival of your new little one in pesky smoke-free L&D wards

b. Arrested Development baby rattles, to introduce your child early-on to the disappointment of TV cancellations

c. a beer teddy bear, designed to insulate your Guinness while singing lullabies to Baby

ANSWERS!

1. a, my dad made my teacher pregnant

And I am proud to say that mine DIDN’T, so score one for me and my family and zero for Google for bringing someone whose problems I can’t help solve to my blog. 

2. b, I was 14 when I developed a feeling for loving to wear panties and some female clothing

Funny, so was I, but as a 14-year-old girl, I don’t think that separates me from the crowd too much or warrants a click on my blog. 

3. a, beebs and her money makers

Aaaaaand that’s the last time that will EVER be said about my soon-to-be-born child. 

4. a, coors cake

Now someone’s thinking. Excellent idea, although I would possibly change it to Blue Moon cake or Guinness cake. 

5. c, I drank coffee and got my girl pregnant

I’ve heard the same thing about drinking water, breathing air, and eating food. You can never be too careful, brah. 

6. b, is live simply, laugh often, love deeply in the Bible?

Ooh, ooh! I’ve got this one! No, Internet searcher, it’s not, as God doesn’t freelance for Hallmark or write lyrics for adult contemporary radio.

7. b, the most beautiful chickens

I can definitely help you in your search for the most beautiful collection of glasses. I can possibly help you find some decent-looking chickens. But the most beautiful chickens? Sorry, not here. Maybe here?

8. c, beer teddy bear

Whoops! Wrong WordPress account! I think you are looking for this guy. I’m flattered, Google, that I’m somehow associated, though. 

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31 comments

  1. I’m always amused by these posts about search terms. But in your case, I’m also a bit scared by the people coming to your site.

    Then again, I did write a post on my blog called “Rick Santorum’s Crusade against Porn is Making Me Horny” and Google had a field day with that one, which was mostly my fault I suppose.

    1. Yeah, you should have seen that one coming. But such are the pratfalls of bloggers. Sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves to the nastier Internet searchers to put out a funny post.

  2. Hahahaha! Gotta love it!

    1. I certainly do! I wish I could have used all the crazy terms I found!

  3. You beat me to it!!!! I was going to write about the wacky search terms I get. Mine tend to have “penis” and “naked neighbor” in them.

    1. It’s not too late! Search engine term posts are like romance novels; there will always be a market for them. Looking forward to reading yours. You’ll do it up right :)

  4. Now I wanna do this!! Although, I dont think mine will compare to your’s!! Ha!! Great post btw! Loved how you put it all together. Very Etsy Or Regretsy, and totally the LOL’ing I needed this AM.

    1. Glad I could give you a laugh. I had a lot of fun writing it! :-D

  5. krugthethinker · · Reply

    Brilliant! I was hoping it would be the Arrested Development rattle!

    1. I know! Now all we need to do is invent it!

  6. Yep, I see bizarre search terms all the time over at my site.
    I have no idea why anyone would use the query “death of polaris”, but they wound up over at my place. No complaints…happy for all the eyeball traffic I can muster.

    1. That’s my thought as well! I get a TON of hits having anything to do with dung, due to a post I wrote a long time ago. Can’t say that I’m all that flattered but traffic is traffic!

  7. This might actually be the best search engine term post I have ever read.

    1. You are too kind! Thanks so much! I had a lot of fun writing it.

  8. Those pesky search engines! I should have known I was in for it when I wrote a post about elephantitis and included the word scrotum (because it is the lower extremities, scrotum included, that are most affected). Sigh.
    But I did not know about that particular side effect of drinking coffee… :-)

    1. Neither did I! We should all be so careful.

  9. I totally have an amazing recipe for Guinness cupcakes. It’s the greatest chocolate cake known to man. I will share it if you want it.

    Great post!

    1. um, YES. emilycaustin@yahoo.com

      I am expecting that recipe by tonight, BTW ;)

  10. Every week like clock work I “get sexy old ladies in tracksuits” I do not know what blog that one links too. I think google is projecting to how in the future I will be a sexy old lady in a tracksuit. Thanks for the heads up google.

    1. That is possibly the best search query I have ever heard. Someone must be looking for a picture of Molly Shannon doing that “I’m 50 Years Old!” character. I also love how you’ve gotten it repeatedly, like someone is really determined to have their query met on your site.

  11. Gosh, maybe I should get on the bandwagon and retitle some of my blogs with more interesting terms…all the search terms I get are pretty ho-hum. Great post!

    1. To be fair, 80% of mine are super boring too, like “26 week ultrasound.” Sad to say, too, that I get any variation on “dung” nearly every day too because of a post I wrote about poo in Korea. It’s become so regular that it doesn’t even shock me or gross me out anymore.

      1. I suppose “regular” was a poor choice of words there :-P

  12. Love it! Did you mean me? Am I the beer teddy bear? I would totally do that. I would keep parents’ beer cold (cold and empty).

    1. I did indeed mean you!

  13. I flunked the quiz. I had to suppress the urge to scroll to the end to see the answers, since all choices seemed improbable. The search results are head-scratchers. My best is “picture of a bald goldilocks.”

    1. LOL it’s a good quiz to flunk. Flunking it demonstrates that you have a handle on reality. The best is that a lot of the alternate answers are actual search queries. I’m not creative to make a lot of this stuff up.

      “Bald Goldilocks” seems like an oxymoron. Like “blonde redhead.” Hmmm…

  14. […] Post navigation ← Previous […]

  15. I got about 50% right. That’s probably a bad thing.

  16. Aha! You were right, it was Alexander’s Terrible, Horrible, Evil, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day! Fantastic post. I always enjoy scrolling through my search terms, though I’m a little disturbed by the number of searches of things like “very young girl miniskirt” that lead people to my blog. And how do you know God isn’t freelancing for Hallmark? That would be so money.

  17. I was totally guessing that all were search terms. You have a knack for coming up with those! And they really are the best worst thing about WP. Well, the worst is when someone is obviously looking up some sort of porn and clicks on a picture of my daughter standing in her potty. Pervs.

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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