One of the fun things about WordPress is that you can see the search engine terms that brought others to your blog. The pure randomness of them helps give you a pretty nice snapshot of how miraculous it is that the Google functions with any efficacy. The other day I got a search engine term that I would like to address for those of you who have also wondered:
what you mean waiting?
This blog is titled “The Waiting” for a couple of reasons, the primary one being that I’m pregnant and therefore waiting for my baby to come. There is some logic to that, I believe. Coherency.
There is not a lot of logic to how some people got to this blog by plugging in certain search engine terms. But they got here nonetheless. And I think that since they apparently scrolled down to the 34,123rd link (mine) in their Google search and thought enough of it to enter the blog, we should at least dignify their searches with some content.
So today we will play a game I like to call “Find the Real Search Engine Term.” Let’s dive right in.
1. Today was a bad day for many reasons. I forgot to bring my lunch to school, I had a pop quiz in algebra, and I missed the bus on my way home. But the thing that spoiled my day worst of all was that I found out ________.
a. my dad made my teacher pregnant.
b. a hair was growing out of my tongue.
c. the baby had only one eye.
2. With the sudden passing of his cat Marlene, the middle-aged cashier at 7/11 reassessed his life and decided it was high time he start composing his memoirs. On March 27th, he penned the first line of the story of his life:
a. “Handling child custody when parents are on meth is difficult.”
b. “I was 14 when I developed a feeling for loving to wear panties and some female clothing.”
c. “Lots of people were jumping off the boat.”
3. There is a great deal of discussion about the problem of childhood illiteracy in America. Many contend that as long as the youth are reading anything at all rather than watching smutty television, it is a victory for our culture. However, lately with the publication and overwhelming success of ____________ among juveniles, parents and educators alike are beginning to reassess their preference of books over video games.
a. Beebs and Her Money Makers
b. Braces Make Me Want to Kill Myself
c. The Perks of Being a Hipster Loser
4. With the heyday of celebrity chefs, cable channels devoted exclusively to food culture, and websites chronicling every recipe imaginable, it has become more difficult for the home cook to feel as though s/he can infuse any originality into her own cooking. Luckily, creativity is in no short supply for the makers of ________.
a. Coors Cake
b. Spam Pudding
c. Plutonium Yellow Dumplings
5. Indeed, causing an unplanned pregnancy brings about stress in any man’s life. He quickly assesses what parts of his daily routine could have brought about his new potency.
a. “The shark tank made me stronger.”
b. “On my feet all day, sore but strong.”
c. “I drink coffee so I got my girl pregnant.”
6. With the popularity of viral image memes and social networking sites such as Twitter, people often look to the Internet to see where that song or hashtag they can’t get out of their minds originated. Correctly attributing this information not only helps them appear more on-the-cusp at cocktail parties, but it also helps them avoid plagiarism litigation. It is critical to know __________.
a. the moment when The Situation became a douchey star.
b. if “live simply, laugh often, love deeply” is in the Bible.
c. who said nerdy girls don’t get drunk.
7. It takes a special person to see the extraordinary in the mundane. Carol Sedgewick, a researcher at the University of Nova Scotia, has devoted her professional life to eradicating HIV/AIDS. The contribution she has personally made to finding a cure for the disease cannot be understated. However, she commented in a recent interview that her real passion lies in ____________.
a. creating city maps of the best public bathrooms.
b. photographing the most beautiful chickens.
c. smocking gorgeous frilly diapers.
8. New parents face challenges every day that no amount of planning during pregnancy can prepare them for. Every part of their lives is affected by their bundle of joy, and they often mourn the loss of their prior freewheeling lifestyles. But Spencies, a specialty toy manufacturer based out of Ann Arbor, hopes that their new line of infant toys will help bridge the gap between babies and their still-cool parents. The line includes toys such as _______.
a. a cigar kazoo, to celebrate the arrival of your new little one in pesky smoke-free L&D wards
b. Arrested Development baby rattles, to introduce your child early-on to the disappointment of TV cancellations
c. a beer teddy bear, designed to insulate your Guinness while singing lullabies to Baby
1. a, my dad made my teacher pregnant
And I am proud to say that mine DIDN’T, so score one for me and my family and zero for Google for bringing someone whose problems I can’t help solve to my blog.
2. b, I was 14 when I developed a feeling for loving to wear panties and some female clothing
Funny, so was I, but as a 14-year-old girl, I don’t think that separates me from the crowd too much or warrants a click on my blog.
3. a, beebs and her money makers
Aaaaaand that’s the last time that will EVER be said about my soon-to-be-born child.
4. a, coors cake
Now someone’s thinking. Excellent idea, although I would possibly change it to Blue Moon cake or Guinness cake.
5. c, I drank coffee and got my girl pregnant
I’ve heard the same thing about drinking water, breathing air, and eating food. You can never be too careful, brah.
6. b, is live simply, laugh often, love deeply in the Bible?
Ooh, ooh! I’ve got this one! No, Internet searcher, it’s not, as God doesn’t freelance for Hallmark or write lyrics for adult contemporary radio.
7. b, the most beautiful chickens
I can definitely help you in your search for the most beautiful collection of glasses. I can possibly help you find some decent-looking chickens. But the most beautiful chickens? Sorry, not here. Maybe here?
8. c, beer teddy bear
Whoops! Wrong WordPress account! I think you are looking for this guy. I’m flattered, Google, that I’m somehow associated, though.