Tales of the World: Bad Dates

As I sit here with my teeny little gal, gazing at her teeny little nose, hearing her teeny little sounds, and beaming at her teeny little smiles, I am reminded that this place where she is right now is ohso temporary and therefore extremely precious. I love her smallness more and more each day, but I was reminded by my mom who was here this weekend that in a mere thirty years, this teeny little gal could very well be a mother herself. How’s that for mindblowing?

I can't get enough of you, baby.

The amount of parenting and life decisions B and I are going to have to make in order for Miss C to get to a happy, well-adjusted adult place absolutely blows my mind, although I recognize that we’ll be making those decisions in strides and we don’t have to commit to a college this very day. Today’s hurdle consists just of introducing the “miracle swaddlers” to her. I have a feeling she’s going to dislike them because they restrict the movement of her arms, but since we were gifted so many, I just want to try them out. So that’s today. A nap (or five) would be nice, too. Not to mention getting all the thank-you notes completed.

In the meantime, there are many things I want to tell her. I suppose that’s what this blog is really for: showering Miss C with the redonkulousness of my own life and attempting to demonstrate that everything always seems to turn out alright. This is a lesson for myself too, especially now when I have to recalibrate my life nearly every day, depending on what’s on her agenda and how much sleep I got the night before.

When my lessons are actually age-appropriate for her, she will probably have no interest in hearing them, but I’ll still insist that she sit and listen to my ramblings and learn about the time before I knew her dad. On How I Met Your Mother, Ted’s kids are always entranced by his stories, told to them inexplicably in Bob Sagat’s voice, but I’m not going to bank on my girl being so rapt by my own stories as she ages. So now as she slumbers, I will tell her my tales of the world.

Today I will talk about bad dates. Let’s just break the ice with something innocuous. She’ll eventually be out in the world; crazy – considering I wouldn’t even dream of taking her to Target right now – and some lunatic in disguise will invite her on an outing which she will assent to because she won’t know better. Here’s my story for her when this happens.

When I was 20, I once briefly dated a guy who worked at a health food grocery store. He was a few years older than me, and I was still at the age when dating a guy who was older than me had inherent value. This was back when I worked at the Gap. He found out I worked there and came up there one day to hang out with me on my dinner break and to ask me out. I said yes and the date was set for the following weekend.

The first date went pretty well. We went downtown and saw a really loud band in the basement of some bar. That’s all I really remember of the whole encounter so at that point everything was kosher. There were a few meet-ups at the library in the meantime before the next big date.

The second date was agreed upon. We would be going downtown for dinner and then a movie. I drove to his apartment because it would have been really out of his way to pick me up at my home which was in the opposite direction. This was his idea. Sorry, but I was raised a certain way and that way entails him picking ME up, no matter how far away I lived. But at the time I didn’t know anything so I didn’t question it.

I got to his place and he drove us downtown in his Cadillac SUV. I know, kind of incongruous with his whole health food store persona. He explained that his dad owned/ managed (I can’t remember which) a dealership so he got to lease the Caddy. But he emphasized his own pauperism adamantly, saying that he was barely scraping by on his own financially. I think I was supposed to be impressed by this fact.

I think I was also supposed to be impressed by his enthusiasm over emo music, which was just then becoming popular.

So he goes on and on and on about how poor he was and I thought it was odd that he was so fixated on this but not really important. When we finally got downtown, he mentioned that he needed to make a pit stop at Hot Topic before we went to dinner. Maybe it’s because I’m really tired right now while writing this, but I don’t even have the energy or the creativity to highlight the sheer ridiculousness of this store. This is your invitation to leave jokes in the comments section to which “Hot Topic” is the punchline.

In Hot Topic, after his explanation of how strapped for cash he was, he purchases not one but two Jimmy Eat World t-shirts for himself; one was white with black writing and one was black with white writing. Yeah. You can’t make this stuff up, Miss C.

We arrive at reasonably-priced Italian restaurant. This guy has the audacity to remind me once again how broke he was and actually put a PRICE LIMIT on what I was allowed to order off the menu. You had better be sure at that point that after the t-shirt episode I ordered whatever the heck I wanted, caution to the wind.

This did not go unnoticed. By the time we left the restaurant, his feathers had been ruffled and he said that the option of seeing a movie in the theater was out due to his limited funds. I think he expected me to offer to pay, but sorry, that’s not how I roll since he was the asker-outer. We’d have to rent something instead and watch it at home.

Which we did. A video was procured and we returned to his apartment to view it. This is the part of the story that starts to make my skin crawl, so hang on.

I situated myself on the floor to watch whatever movie we rented, mostly because he had situated himself on the sofa. But within 20 minutes of the movie starting, he was of course on the floor with me trying to be romantic or whatever. You know what happened next; he OF COURSE tried to make a pass at me and shove his tongue down my throat.

He said WHAT?

And I OF COURSE resisted. And what did he say?

“What, did I buy you dinner for nothing?”

Well, apparently you did, buddy.

And I was like Seacrest, out. That was the end of the date. I hightailed it out of there.

Hopefully if anything like this ever happens to Miss C, she will too.

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48 comments

  1. Oh, Hot Topic. I nearly got into a brawl there once. I’ll post about it when the emotional scars have healed. A quick trip to HT is all I would need to break it off quick. Unless he was buying a Gryffindor t-shirt. Then he’d be forgiven.

    1. Oooh! I will definitely be looking forward to your story of the Hot Topic brawl!

  2. LOL at shopping at Hot Topic. Is Hot Topic still around? We went in there a couple of years ago to take in the scenery and get a couple of laughs. It is like going to the carnival but also getting to go buy a pair of slacks at Banana Republic in the same trip. Good for us yuppie types.

    1. I HOPE it is still around because it would be kind of fun to take a walk on the wild side and check it out for old times’ sake. I’m of the yuppie ilk as well so I would get quite a rise out of it.

  3. I’m still paying of credit card debt from 15 years ago for all the expensive dates I went on. See I was the opposite. I WAS poor but wanted girls to think I was like the heir to Donald Trump or something. But just like that guy, I apparently bought those dinners and got nothing. At least he saved a few bucks.

    1. Haha I bet your wife just loves that. But you’re a well-adjusted adult man. I actually looked this guy up on Facebook while I was writing this and he looks EXACTLY the same as he did back then, so not a lot of progress there.

  4. LOL, this was hilarious. Hard to believe the ridiculous stuff we used to have to put up with, huh? Miss C is ADORABLE. Seriously. She makes me melt every time I see her little face. I’m beyond sure she would have made like Seacrest on that guy, too. What a joke!

    1. I know, right?! I’m so grateful I’m out of the dating game. Sonia is pretty freaking adorbs too! We are a pair of lucky mamas with sweet little girls!

  5. Hot Topic is definitely your red flag. I’m sure there will be something as silly as that store when Miss C is old enough. For us as kids, wasn’t Claire’s the go-to? Then we “upgrade” to HT when we’re teenagers? I think I just barely missed this phase. Not the Claire’s part though.

    1. Oh, I have no doubt. It also blows my mind that Spencer’s is apparently still in operation and likely will be when she gets older. I mean, the demand for ashtrays in the shape of the phallus is timeless. I also spent some serious coin at Claire’s, which is saying a lot since everything in there was under $10. I loved that store!

      1. Spencers! So naughty, and explicitly for pre-teens.

  6. What’s Hot Topic? I’ve never heard of it. I have had occasion, however (like most women over the age of 16, unfortunately) to repel Mr. Tongue Probe. The guy who does whatever he wants regardless of you, your thoughts, feelings, or not-so-subtle non-verbal messages, because you’re not really there. It’s All. About. Him. I’m glad your evacuation from the scene was successful!

    1. Count yourself lucky! It is a store usually at malls that sells “gothic” clothes, band t-shirts, and other edgy merchandise, kind of geared towards high schoolers and pre-teens. I’m glad I got out too! It was quite unpleasant!

  7. HAHAHAHAHA! This is hilarious. I literally had an experience similar to this, but we actually went to the movie and when he tried to put his arm around me at the movie, I leaned up. lol. It was so awkward.

    1. Thanks! Ugh, doesn’t it just make you so glad that those bad dates eventually come to an end?

  8. I was always the cheap date because I hate pink beef and restaurants can’t seem to cook it to the not pink point. I always got the chicken. What a jerk of a guy! Yes, we all have at least one of those stories!

    1. And it’s such a shame that we all do have these stories! Except for when we’re at parties and we need to give everyone a good laugh :) Then they kind of come in handy.

  9. krugthethinker · · Reply

    As soon as I saw the title of this post, I knew what it would be about! Ugh, I can’t believe I introduced you to him! Sorry! This sordid tale only gets more sordid with time, but we can be sure that Miss C will never find herself in such a situation, by dint of the fact that she is perfect;) Love you!

    1. In all fairness, I introduced you to some true gems as well so I think we’re even :) These adventures in dating only make us luckier to have finally landed on some awesome husbands!

      1. krugthethinker · · Reply

        Hahaha, completely forgot about that and am having a hearty laugh as I type this! Love you! And yes: awesome husbands!

  10. One- the little swaddlers are miracle workers. Two- Is it bad to say you like the story of something bad happening to someone? Love the story, sucks you had a gross date encounter. ha.

    1. She actually liked the swaddler a lot more than I thought she would. I am amazed. And it’s OK to have a laugh at my expense :) It’s so over and done with.

  11. It’s a shame saying it, but one Squatch’s parents once worked at Hot Topic. I won’t say who, but his name rhymes with Schmande, and it was one of the worst jobs ever. So I definitely understand ditching out on someone who “needs to make a pit stop” there.

    1. But you probably got a sweet discount on Marilyn Manson t-shirts. That should count for something.

      Oh whoops, I forgot. It doesn’t ;)

  12. Fortunately, if something goes wrong in the nurture department (which I’m confident it won’t), Miss C. will be able to fall back on the nature department and will assuredly high-tail it out of a date like that! Ne-te quittez pas! :D

    1. One can only hope! And if both fail, then I think her dad will take it in his own hands to prevent any such occurrence.

      1. Let’s hear it for dads!!

  13. I love that Miss C still pulls her legs up in womb position – so sweet… Granola guy sounds like a poser – Cadillac SUV, hot topic t-shirts, and cheap ass values. Cheers to you for driving away from that date.

    1. She did at the time I took this pic, but now she doesn’t do it as often. It’s amazing how FAST they grow and change their habits!

  14. ha! serves him right! wonder if he ever got married :O I feel sorry for the poor woman if he did. anyway I speak for myself, being someone who grew up half her life in the 21st century (the adolescent part being the part in the 21st century) I have done the same in similar situations. As teens, most young ladies are aware of the fact that most adolescent and some in their early twenties (I suppose it’s because the male species mature slower?) males just want to get frisky! I know though (from experience, I am a buy-product of this theory) that if you raise Miss C well, as I’m sure you will, you can rest assured she will have a good head on her shoulders! :)

    1. I stalked his FB page when I wrote this, and it doesn’t appear that he ever did get married. He actually looks exactly the same as he did ten years ago. In all fairness, I’m sure he is a nice enough person now. If someone judged me by shenanigans I pulled ten years ago, it wouldn’t be very fair because I’ve grown up a lot. But still, I think you’re right; young men (and women) have these inclinations towards friskiness at that age and it’s still something I want to Miss C to be aware of.

  15. Where do assclowns go to shop with money they don’t have? Hot Topic.

    1. LOL We would also accept “Spencer’s.”

      1. Does not compute. Regional store?

          1. Oh my. That sire gave me a seizure.

  16. I immediately knew where the story was heading when you were sitting on the floor because he was sitting on the sofa! Have so been there. I’ve even done the whole pretend-bathroom-break just so I could come back and sit in a new place after Guy edged me into the corner of the sofa…Miss C, take note, and follow Mama’s example!

    1. That’s a good tactic too. I will need to add that as an addendum.

  17. Oh I am SO happy all those akward/ gross dating moments are OVER! Now you get to look forward to akward moments with kids. At least those will be funny!

    1. I know! Right before I had the baby I wrote a post about the awesome things kids say and the awkward positions they’ve been known to put us in. Love it!

  18. The feet!!! Oh man she is a doll!!!

    1. It kind of makes me sad that she doesn’t really do that with her feet anymore. They grow up so incredibly fast! Now she just kicks us :)

      1. I read your comments in the wrong order… so, I replied with “It goes so fast” and then read this. ;)

    2. Whenever I see pics of Lucy I can’t believe that she’s only been here for a few months. It’s hard to believe C will ever get that big. Right now I just want her to stay tiny forever.

      1. I hear you…. it goes so fast. XO

  19. [...] For the first installment of Tales of the World for Miss C, check out this post.  [...]

  20. [...] Tales of the World: Bad Dates [...]

  21. [...] general, I am hoping to start a new series (which, with any luck I will update more often than my Tales of the World series, may it rest in peace) about things that totally befuddle me. Today, I am kicking it off with this [...]

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