In Heaven

We remember a lot more of our early childhoods than we give ourselves credit for. When my mom was here meeting Miss C awhile back, she asked me what my first memory was, and I immediately thought of my brother’s birth when I was 3 1/2 and how he “gave” me a Barbie and a bag of M&Ms as a gift. Trevor was nothing if not thoughtful as an hours- old infant.

I’m not talking about the newfangled Ponies that are aware of their irony. We’re going sugary-sweet OLD SKOOL.

But then, the other day, something triggered an even earlier memory of mine. I recall being  really, really little and asking my mom what Heaven was like. I don’t remember what she said, but I do remember asking her if my room in Heaven (because, duh, you get your own room in heaven) could have My Little Pony wallpaper and a My Little Pony bedspread, to which she said yes. When I was small, the image of God that I had in my head was of an old giant with a long white beard sitting in a chair, wearing blue jeans. He was old and bearded, of course, because He was God and predated everything.Thus facial hair. He was sitting because that is the posture of wisdom and omnipotence, according to small me. I suppose I pictured him wearing blue jeans because that made Him a bit more down to earth or something. He could wear whatever He wanted, being God and all. Why not jeans?

I like my three-year-old theology. It is simple, wishful, and nonjudgmental. Of course, it can’t really help you sort out real problems, but what real problems does a three-year-old have that s/he must sort out all on her own? We’ll leave those to the grownups.

When I was small, I chose a My Little Pony theme for my corner of Heaven. This got me thinking what my slice of Heaven would look like now. I came up with a few things.

1. In Heaven, Arrested Development never gets cancelled. It goes on and on, never “jumping the shark” despite its affiliation with several former cast members of Happy Days.

2. In Heaven, WASP-y girls like me can perform Outkast’s “Rosa Parks” for karaoke without the prompter. And it’s not ironic; it’s just AWESOME.

3. In Heaven, all coffee is organic, fair trade, and perfectly roasted. It’s fresh all the time. You never run out of sugar and cream at home, CoffeeMate is not the only thing offered to accompany your cup of free coffee at Jiffy Lube, and your favorite “Keep Austin Weird” mug that you got on your honeymoon never breaks into five pieces.

4. In Heaven, you never feel the pressure to read dud books that people recommend to you. Also, you aren’t judged as a vile, hateful human being when you say that you don’t like Harry Potter and really don’t understand what all the  fuss is about.

5. In Heaven, breastfeeding is easy.

6. In Heaven, you can bottle the smell of newborns.

7. In Heaven, you don’t have to use coasters because cups never leave rings on your furniture.

Most of all, in Heaven you are reminded by everything you see, hear, and taste of the wonderful memories of your life and where they came from. You recall them at the precise moments when you will appreciate them the most. Even the hard things that you don’t remember relishing at the time are recalled happily because they added texture to your experience. The smallest things point to the biggest things and make you realize how connected they are.

Everything is fine. And not at all creepy.

What is your Heaven made up of? 

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40 comments

  1. Oh, in my heaven, that bottomless cup of coffee doesn’t give me heart palpitations and send me to the ER. I freaking hate the ER, though the nurses in ours are pretty cool. Nice post.

    1. The ER is VB (very bad). I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. No ERs in my heaven!

  2. My heaven is full of alcohol!!!!! And yes, Arrested Development is always on (and never got canceled).

    1. A fully-stocked bar where ice never runs out! That will definitely be in Heaven.

  3. krugthethinker · · Reply

    Awesome! When I was little, I rather depressingly imagined God’s office as full of people sitting on the floor of a waiting room. I guess I just figured that if we all want to talk to him and have him fix our broken legs or whatever, there’ll be a wait. And oddly, enough, this concept didn’t bother me. But yes, Arrested Development will be key! Also, no traffic, no bad coffee (yes!), no migraines, and time enough to read every single book you want to. Happiness!

    1. I love that you imagined God as having an office that doesn’t have enough seating in the waiting room. I wonder what magazines would be strewn about such office?

  4. This was a gorgeous post. Absolutely perfect.

    1. Awww, thanks :)

  5. I love your heaven (even if I don’t understand not getting Harry Potter, but I won’t hate you for it!). I just might have to steal this idea and do a blog post on my own heaven. Mine would include books, lots and lots of books!

    1. It’s not that I don’t “get” Harry Potter, per se. I’ve read almost all of them and thought they were enjoyable. I just think there’s a lot of children’s literature that is just as good that gets overlooked in favor of all the Potter stuff. I guess I’m just sick of the hype.

  6. I had a My Little Pony bedspread and wall clock when I was little. :-)
    God in blue jeans! Ha – Love it!

    1. Nice! My Little Pony was awesome!

  7. sidney · · Reply

    My heaven is here and now……plus I get to read your blog…..

    1. Yes to that! Looking at C’s little face makes me know that Heaven is closer than I’d think.

  8. You just reinforced my decision to receive your blog! This was beautiful, thought provoking, and stylin’! I may read it a second time!! I’m happy to report that I wouldn’t mind visiting you in heaven : ) it sounds pretty great.

    1. Awesome! Maybe we can arrange it so that our “rooms” in Heaven are right next to one another ;)

  9. My heaven has a new Gabriel Garcia Marquez book every week, and it looks like San Francisco with Chicago’s food.

    1. Yes. Yes. And YES. Can I come to your Heaven?

      1. You’re welcome there anytime. Heaven would be kind of boring if you couldn’t hang out with people.

  10. This was SO great. Your description of GOD is much like mine was — old, white-bearded with furrowed brows and a white flowing robe sans the jeans, since the robe flowed and flowed and ….anyway, heaven has steak, carbs, wine, books, favorite people, coffee and exercise is entirely optional because everything is just perfect exactly the way it is. Where did you get that creepy video or whatever that is. Seriously, it is creepy. :).

    1. Thank you! I LOVE your Heaven! It sounds a lot like vacation, which is a winner.

      The video is from this freaky bizarre movie called “Eraserhead.” I think it was David Lynch’s first movie in the mid-70s. Anyway, the girl is known as “the lady in the radiator” and she sings this song “In Heaven Everything is Fine.”

  11. In my heaven, Firefly is never cancelled, along with Arrested Development. And everyone appreciates the magic of Harry Potter, but they give ME all the action figures. People really do love each other, regardless of differences they might have. And there is no social media at all.

    1. YES! NO MORE FACEBOOK IN HEAVEN! Or Twitter! Or Pinterest! Or Linked In!

      WordPress can still exist, though :) I kind of see it as a step-cousin of social media. But it’s the kind of step cousin you’d be friends with even if you weren’t related to it.

  12. I’ve never formed a view of Heaven, but I hope mine rocks as much as yours!

    1. Thanks! You are welcome in my Heaven anytime.

  13. I’m a bit concerned that there’s no mention of the food in heaven.
    Other than that, and the My Little Pony thing, sounds like a pretty good place.
    Any bars nearby?

    1. Interesting point. I started writing a list of the foods that are in Heaven and when it quickly got to be several paragraphs long, I realized it needed a post of its own. So that’s on the docket for an upcoming post.

      And HECK YES there are bars. Jesus turned water into wine, so yes the bars in Heaven will be epic.

      1. Holy. Crap.
        If missionaries ever come by and use that last line of yours, I’d have a hard time not converting!

  14. This was a really awesome post! I definitely agree about Arrested Development. My heaven would mainly consist of me being free to play with all the animals in the world. Rolling around with lions and tigers. Swimming with dolphins and whales and turtles. Climbing trees with monkeys. I want to just be with animals and relax.

    1. Thanks. I like the idea of hanging our with animals all the time. I would love a Heaven where riding an elephant would be my primary transportation.

  15. Heaven – lots of time to read decadent books and eat decadent food, and mountains of time to be with my husband and kids.
    Your early memory of heaven triggered a memory of mine. I remember waking up in the yellow bedroom I shared with my sister. The light was streaming in and I had a thought that God was watching me and the world is like a birdcage contained in God’s living room. A room in heaven with My Little Ponies is much more appealing.

    1. I love that image of God pouring in like sunlight! And the idea that God has a living room. I think I’d like to see what’s going on in the kitchen. Lots of decadent food, for sure!

  16. I love everything on this list!!! I don’t have a baby so I don’t get down with breastfeeding, but if some little tyrant was sucking on my boob I’d want it to be easy!

    1. Ugh, I wish I could say I love it 100% of the time, but it is such a chore. And Time hasn’t made it any easier.

  17. Hmmm..I suppose my heaven is made up of reruns of all my favorite shows. Endless supply of Hawaiian punch without gaining weight. Being with my wife Forever. And hopefully God never tells me go to bed it is past your bedtime. I imagine Heaven as being a warm day sitting by the water with my lisa and listening to the game and not having to be anywhere anytime soon…..great post you made me smile….zman sends

    1. Hawaiian Punch is highly underrated. That stuff is addictive! I like your Heaven a lot!

  18. ice cream. sooooo much ice cream.

    1. Yes, yes, and YES. Cherry Garcia, s’il vous plait.

  19. I gotta start behaving myself. Arrested Development? Newborn smells in bottle form? Doing some good deeds now.

    1. I would not have pegged you as an appreciator of the newborn smell. You are just full of surprises ;)

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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