It’s All Fun and Games Until a Juicy Walks into a Window

Today is your lucky day! I am too sleepy/busy to write a post that has an actual point to it, so I am resorting to a story that I’ve been saving for just such an occasion. I was tempted to tell it back when I was preggo, but I knew the day would eventually come when I would need it to fill the time between feeding and changing the baby.

It’s the one about the time a drunk Korean call girl ran into a plate glass sliding door. This one is rated R so if you are in the habit of reading random blog posts to your chillens, I would advise against sharing this.

Here we go.

In case you want to Google it, when B and I lived in Korea, we lived in Jukjeon-dong, within the larger city of Yongin-si. If you Google it, you’ll find that Jukjeon is a bit south of Seoul. It’s an easy 45 or so minute bus ride to the center of Seoul or a 50 minute ride on the subway; not too shabby for a Saturday or Sunday commute but kind of a pain after a long day of work on a weekday. Therefore, pretty much the entire foreigner population in Yongin and Suwon was beyond thrilled when a new location of Geckos – a popular foreigner bar in the heavily international Itaewon area of Seoul – opened in Jukjeon. Not only was it close to us, it was literally across the street from our apartment. We’re talking a five-minute walk from our abodes to cheap booze.

Yeah, that’s as awesome as it sounds.

This place had it all. Of course, the company we kept there was pretty outstanding to begin with, seeing that we were close with and actual friends with all our coworkers. Geckos was our watering hole. The food was good, the drinks were cheap and delicious, the bartender – nicknamed “Jamisil” after a brand of soju – was fantastic and loved us. Almost every Friday night, and often weeknights too, we would all head over to Geckos for dinner or drinks and to unwind. The staff got to know us and love us. It was Our Bar.

So, one Friday night after dinner on Euro Row, B and I headed over to Geckos to meet our friends for some drinks and general revelry. As part of a sizable yet still pretty cozy group of foreigners in our area, we immediately noticed some new faces that we had never seen there before. In the middle of them was a guy – let’s call him Joe because I don’t remember his real name – who B had met before. He was Canadian but by some stroke of coincidence, B grew up down the street from Joe’s uncle in Memphis.

Our friend Steve found this pig in the garbage outside his apartment once and it made the rounds in all our friends’ apartments until someone finally decided to give to Geckos in January 2011. Rumor has it that it’s still there.

Once he got his drink, B headed over to the bar to say hi to Joe. It turns out it was his birthday and the newcomers to Geckos were his friends celebrating with him. Amidst Joe’s friends was a conservatively-dressed Korean woman. This was not odd at all. We all assumed that she was one of Joe’s Korean co-teachers.

So an hour or so passed by. By about 9:30 the bar was getting busy and everyone there was taking advantage of delicious, inexpensive cocktails and beer and thus becoming more and more intoxicated. More of our friends arrived and more of Joe’s friends arrived to celebrate his birthday with him. At one point, I glanced over at Joe’s table and noticed that the Korean woman who had been celebrating with him had made a costume change: she was now clad in the apparel of a “Juicy Girl.”

“What is a juicy girl?,” you may be asking. I wish I could tell you exactly, but I never got an altogether straight answer while I was living in Korea. A juicy girl is an ambiguously sexualized woman who is paid to hang out and drink with a guy or group of guys all night, but it’s kind of up to her if she ends up making sexy time with the guy later. Sort of similar to a geisha, but at the same time not at all because geishas don’t wear tube tops and hotpants, nor do they get plastered with their male hosts. Plus there’s the whole “hundreds of years of serious tradition” thing with geishas, and call girls go back way farther than that in one shape or another.

Why she started out the evening dressed as a librarian and then changed into a hoochie, who knows? Maybe that was part of the whole fantasy or whatever. But it turns out that gal was hired by Joe’s friends to keep him company for the evening. What great friends.

B and I are no prudes, much (much!) less so our friends, but we were a little shocked to see this little arrangement taking place at our Geckos that night. I mean, the place has a kids’ menu for cripes sake. Save the ho-hos for Seoul, buddy. We’re in the ‘burbs!

But how could we begrudge this guy his paid hotpants-clad companion? Whatevs, we thought. Let’s just see how this unfolds.

So the drinking continues, the bar gets more and more packed, and everyone is having a grand ol’ time, as per the usual. Miss Hotpants was living it up with everyone is Joe’s party and drinking a lot. Despite the fact that Coyote Ugly seemed to always be on TV in Korea, she had clearly never seen it before because she was actually drinking shot after shot and not spitting them out. Dude, even I could teach her a few things about being a juicy girl. Me, the one whose relationship with beer has a tumultuous past.

She drinks, she dances, she is everyone’s best friend. Until…

I was at the bar with my friends Paul and Sally chatting and drinking something like crappy beer mixed with tomato juice and Tabasco. All of a sudden, we hear a loud THUNK followed by the reverberation of glass against steel. The entire bar – filled at capacity at this point – all stopped, turned around, and saw Miss Hotpants in a crumpled puddle on the ground trying her hardest to get back up and continue the revelry. She had walked straight into a plate glass sliding door with so much force that the door had been knocked out of alignment with its railings.

A woman close by helped her up into a chair and procured an icepack for her. How could we not feel bad for this poor girl? Getting drunk with a bunch of foreigners who can hold their liquor not better than her, only to walk into a window and develop a mild concussion? Whoomph.

But she was not down for the count. In less than five minutes she was up partying again whilst the bar staff busied themselves with getting the glass door back into its railings, much to the chagrin of English teachers at the bar who needed – NEEDED – their $3 beers  posthaste (notice how I shimmied that word in again? I’m on fire!)

The bartenders at Geckos could blow fire as well as perform maintenance on sliding doors. Can we say “well rounded”?

She latched back on to Joe, as this was presumably what she was paid to do, and the partygoers of Geckos quickly forgot about the incident. Moments later, Sally and I decided to make a quick potty run.

Upon entering the bathroom, Sal and I quickly realized that we were not alone. Not by far. In a testament to their classiness, Joe and Miss Hotpants had already staked out the joint for deal-sealing.

After making eye contact with Joe in his mid-coital ecstasy, Sally and I barfed in our mouths a little and hightailed it out of there. Having had a few adult beverages at that point ourselves, we decided it would be a great idea to go tell the staff that the ladies’ bathroom needed immediate attention as someone had made a giant mess on the floor. Koreans are prompt if anything, and they hopped to it with the same swiftness they had when they had to realign the sliding glass door and headed with a mop and bucket to the ladies room to find the loving couple.

Miss Hotpants was immediately thrown out of the bar, with her large totebag filled with both of her outfits.

Joe was drunk and hopping  mad. He found Sally and me amongst the crowd and decided to share his feelings concerning this matter. We saw him coming from across the bar and braced ourselves.

Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!

“Not cool. NOT COOL.” He directed his abbreviated-for-affect diatribe solely towards Sally. I guess he hadn’t seen me.

Sally, a normally terse and calm individual, leveled with him.

“OH REALLY? You know what’s NOT COOL, bro? I’ve had three drinks in the past two hours and right when my friend and I here decided to visit the bathroom, what do we find but your sorry behind in the ladies’ room with some prostitute, BLOCKING THE TOILET.”

Joe was speechless. I give some of the credit to Sally growing horns and reading him the riot act right then. But I give most of the credit to the vast quantities Joe had consumed up to that point because right then, in one fell swoop, he turned to walk off, vomited, and passed out on the floor. The night was over for poor Joe.

For a second I thought of making this a Tales of the World for Miss C. However, it quickly occurred to me that there is little to learn from a story about a Korean call girl drunkenly walking into a sliding door and then getting thrown out of a bar.

Except, maybe, don’t ruin your life. That’s a pretty good lesson, I suppose, but hopefully she’ll get it elsewhere.

56 comments

  1. clownonfire · · Reply

    Emily,
    You know what I love? Reading “I’m too busy writing a post” right from the get go on a blog that has 1693 words!
    Le Juicy Clown

    1. I should clarify that I started writing this post like two weeks ago. I should probably delete that part. As you can see, editing is not my strongest point. ;)

      1. clownonfire · · Reply

        Emily,
        And I of course, couldn’t help but be a smart ass.
        Your reader,
        Le Clown

        1. Awww, Le Clown, I wouldn’t want anything else from you. Snark from you is love.

  2. Awesome story! Got, I want that story. Gonna have to see if I can come up with something that matches finding someone you know (SOMEONE YOU KNOW!) screwing in the ladies room. Maybe the time I let a foot fetishist suck my big toe?

    1. Oh got! I would love to hear that story! Do tell!

  3. See how I worked German into that last reply? “Got.” Wait, there should be two Ts there. Ok, I admit it’s a typo. Clearly, I meant “Dieu.”

    1. LOL! I didn’t even notice. Those 0 years of German I took are really showing now.

  4. krugthethinker · · Reply

    Holy crap! My jaw dropped several times while I was reading this! Good stuff! Also, yes, good life choices, Besfrinn, we can be grateful we have those.

    1. Yes, our parents certainly raised us right. Although it probably doesnt take a tremendous amount of effort to keep your daughter from becoming a call girl. But still…. :)

  5. sidney · · Reply

    Terrific story !! I want to know who Joe’s uncle is ! I would love to see a ” Juicy Girl ” walk into a glass door hard enough to know it off it’s track !! This is the next best thing…

    1. Actually, I got it wrong. B told me that Joe had had Mike Mullins’ uncle as a prof in college. I think that’s where I got the uncle thing.

  6. Having spent an awful lot of time in bars, every bit of this story rings absolutely true.
    And is funnier for it.
    Did Joe get over your interference?

    1. Good question. I think we ran into him like one more time while we were in Korea and he didn’t make mention of it at all. I think he was so drunk that he didn’t remember.

  7. This is my kind of story! If only my life were that juicy ;)

    1. You come hang out with me and I can guarantee it!

      1. If that’s what you’re doing in the evening I’ll put myself in a FedEx box right now and head south.

        1. We’ll expect you in the morning.

  8. I’m going to make stories like this into required reading for Squatch, if only to drill that “don’t ruin your life” lesson into that kid’s head.

    1. If you do let me know and I’ll write more posts like this. Sadly, I’ve got a lot of them!

  9. That’s quite a story. Kind of reminds me of the time back in college when this really big girl who was in to me kept trying to grind me at one of the local bars. However I think she overestimated her thrusting ability cause she wiped out the floor with her beer soaking me from head to toe. Thankfully, unlike your friend there I did not attempt to hijack the bathroom for sexy time. Not then or ever with her.

    1. Oh my, oh my! The only person more uncomfortable than you in that whole situation are all the onlookers who saw that transpire!

  10. I cannot stop laughing at this! I started reading it in my classroom and had to stop and continue on my break because I was trying to control my laughter! I miss you guys and shenanigans like this SO much!

    1. Me too! Luckily you’ll get to have more of them when you go back this year! If I remember correctly, you left early that night all this happened and I felt bad because it was so hilarious.

  11. This is a slight departure for you, eh? haha! Did you ever read a book called “Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven?” If not, I would highly recommend it. Your post today reminded me of it. In a nut shell, two girls graduate from Brown University and decide to travel the world together. They start out in China and never get any further. It’s a true story and right up your juicy girl alley, I might add.

    Btw, I never got any notice in my email about this post? My wordpress account has a mind of it’s own. Argh!

    1. It IS a bit of a departure from posts about babies and pregnancy, but every so often I feel the need to reflect on prostitutes and public drunkenness :) I have never read that before but I will put it on my list! It is right up my alley!

      WordPress has been zany lately. Recently there have been several blogs that I read often that all of a sudden I stopped getting updates on. There have also been several blogs that have been longtime commenters here that wordpress is now making me moderate their comments, out of the blue. Weird :/

      1. I’ve been tangling with them in the forum with this for nearly 2 weeks now. Shrugged shoulders, is all we are getting. Meanwhile, I’ve been forced to resort to my “Reader” to get to these posts. At least I can still find you!

        1. WordPress needs to fix this, POSTHASTE :D

          1. Yes to that! Sorry I didn’t reply to your comment posthaste.

        2. Cyber shrugged shoulders are the worst.

  12. How did I live in Korea and never hear about “Juicy Girls”? I feel so sheltered! I probably saw them when I was out and didn’t even know it!

    1. If you ever were outside in Gangnam, Itaewon, or Hongdae at night and saw a million business cards with sexy (LOL sec-shee) girls littered all over the ground, you were close to the juicies. :)

      1. Oh, I remember those cards! When I first got there, I collected a bunch and sent them home because I thought they were hilarious. lol

        1. LOL all I sent home was Dunkin Donut receipts with hangul on them. Our neices and nephews got such a kick out of them.

  13. Aidan Hagood · · Reply

    When am I going to learn to NOT catch up on your blogging while I am at work? I was laughing so hard that I had to shut the door to my office. The whole thing is funny, but the best part was Joe immediately vomiting and passing out after he yelled at you. I found myself wishing he had vomited, passed out and fell into the same sliding glass door on his way down.

    1. Oh lawdy, that would have made it so much more perfect, Aidan! I should have taken some poetic license with this story and modified it so that happened! It wouldn’t have been true, but who the heck cares?

  14. Is it bad that I wasn’t that surprised or shocked by any of this. Yep, pretty typical night in Korea! Funny stuff, Waiting. Why didn’t they go into a stall? Sex right in the bathroom entrance? That’s just bad form, Joe.

    1. I was just about to comment that she and you could share Korean war stories! I totally had you in mind while I was reading this. It was hilarious! Poor Joe couldn’t even get his freak on in the ladies’ restroom with the juicy girl. BWAHAHAHA!

      1. That’s why I freaking love his blog! It always takes me back so much to Korea!

    2. I know, right!? This is just one of countless stories I have like this. I should tell more of them. Then my blog would have the provenance of being both about babies and being drunk in Korea.

  15. What more could you want in a story. Drunk chicks, tube tops, and hot pants.

    1. Yep, I think that about covers it.

      Although Ron Swanson is always an added bonus.

  16. You are a fabulous story teller. That might be my favorite quality in a gal!

    1. Awww, thanks Jells. You’re too sweet!

  17. That sounds like a night to remember. Geeze so gross yet such a good one to tell. Man oh man. I felt like I was there! I agree with Jells, great storytelling!

    1. Thanks! It was indeed a night I won’t soon forget. Luckily my better half was there so in the event that I do forget, I will have him to remind me.

  18. I find myself phased by very few things, but this had me wide-eyed the whole time. You’re a great story teller.

    1. Thanks! I woke up pretty phased the morning after all this transpired.

  19. Lesson learned. But those green shots look so tasty…

    1. Oh, and they were!

  20. Ooooh, ouch. The most interesting thing to me here is the elusive and obscure role of the woman–with her various costumes and drinking like a fish. Maybe it costs more to go home with the man, so the bathroom is the bargain deal? Or is going home even an option? Strange. This also brought up a very unpleasant memory of the first and only time I was fired from a job (waitressing). Was wrongly accused of stealing from the change drawer. Anyway, after being given the hatchet by the evil troll restaurant consultant who’d been hired to “clean up shop,” after the busy luch shift, with all eyes upon me… I headed for the door but walked right into the plate glass window beside it. OH MY. I have never been so humiliated in all my life, on multiple levels. But at least I wasn’t half-naked, in a bathroom….

    1. Ouch! Well, at least it’s nearly impossible to have an embarrassing moment worse than that. It can only get better from there. As a side note, I have never understood hiring consultants to clean up shop. If you can’t even run your own business, why would you think a complete stranger could do it?

  21. Hilarious. I had to read just to find out what a Juicy was, but I also love any stories of people falling down, tripping or indeed walking into glass.

    1. Thanks. I like those stories too, as long as it’s not me who’s falling down.

  22. This story made me cringe. “Telling” on this poor guy? Either you are the lamest cock block ever, or you liked Joe yourself and it just burned you up to see him get some.

    Sickening.

    1. Dear Wow,

      You got me. It for sure burns me when I see others “get some” since it’s evidently 1998 and we still use that verbiage. And BTdubs, “sickening”? Really? Here is some Pepto Bismol. It should clear that right up for ya. Sorry to have upset your tum tum.

      Hugs and kisses,

      Em

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