I’ve Got Nothing

At any given time, I have at least 15 things I want to write about. However, I usually also have about 30 things I need to get done at that exact same moment. So of course now that I have stolen a few moments to sit down and write a post, I can’t remember any of the things I wanted to write about.

Of course.

So I will tell you about my trip to Walmart yesterday. Here are some things that happened to me at Walmart and some things that I saw.

In front of the store, there was an obese woman passed out on a bench. She had a carry-on sized piece of luggage with her. She was still there sleeping when I left 25 minutes later.

In the baby section, I saw a 13-month-old toddling around in the middle of the aisle in his onesie but no shoes. I wanted to scrub his little bare feet with bleach.

In the dairy section, a little old lady asked me to help her get a carton of vanilla-flavored creamer down off the top shelf. I did, and I felt nice.

Another younger lady asked me if I knew where the breadcrumbs were. She said she had checked the bakery and they weren’t there. I told her to maybe check the baking aisle. I was a little disconcerted at first that, to this woman, I appeared to be someone who knew where stuff was at Walmart. But I then flattered myself and decided that she asked me because I was the only person around not wearing a muumuu.

In line at the register, the woman in front of me remarked that she was amazed that a bag of chips cost $4. Yet she still bought several bags. I didn’t feel bad for her because what does she need three bags of chips for? Maybe she’s having a party, but even then, she should get the party platter of veggies. Fried bagged potatoes does not always read festivities.

The man ringing me up was a nice youngish guy. He asked me how I was doing and didn’t bat and eye when I asked him to put groceries in the bags I had brought with me. (My bags sometimes present a conundrum to Walmart employees and make their brains short circuit.) I wondered what he was doing working there. He was at least Target caliber.

Finally, I went back to my car. And here’s what I saw:

Actually, I took this picture a couple of weeks ago, but that trip to Walmart wasn’t too different from the one described above.

Yay, Walmart.

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56 comments

  1. Not a fan of Walmart. Or any of the big box stores.
    but I’d have offered that guy $150 for his truck and entered a demolition derby with it!

    1. I’m not a fan either. At all. But we live in a fairly rural area so unless we want to drive an hour and a half to Raleigh, we don’t have many other options. :/ The idea that I give that store our money makes me die a little.

      1. Like you say, sometimes they’re the only game in town…

  2. I used to work at Wal-mart. I’d like to think I was Target caliber, but I think I was deluding myself.

    1. Nah, you are totally Target caliber. From me, that is a HUGE compliment.

  3. I can’t believe we shop at the same Walmart and that you parked so close to my truck!! That’s awesome!!!
    Seriously, the obese woman passed out on the bench could probably be made into a sculpture. They could put them at the entrance to each Walmart, so as to welcome patrons and give them a taste of what they’re in store for. (Was that a pun?)

    Emily, this was dang funny! You definitely got me laughing this early Monday morning! Thanks!!

    1. Ha! I’m glad my misadventures at Walmart are starting your week off right. ;D

  4. But Emily…. you’ll always have Walmart!!!

    1. Hahaha it’s kind of like death and taxes, right? Ugh I can’t believe I just said that.

  5. Brother Jon · · Reply

    Someone really said that they looked for bread crumbs in the bakery? Not sure what to think about that.

    I also wonder what was written on the original door of that wonderful truck. That reminds of the Blues Brothers, except this guy really is “on a mission from God.”

    1. I know! It’s hard to believe that truck was ever brand new, parked proudly in the lot of some dealership.

  6. Dude. peopleofwalmart.com. For reals. It’s an affliction there, leaving the regular masses with confusion, disconcertion, then relief once out of the parking lot. I just can’t understand how it’s so widespread! I’m pretty sure they’re pre-zombies.

    1. POWM.com is my guilty pleasure. Scratch that; I’m not guilty at all. These people do it to themselves. Pre-zombies is an excellent way of describing them!

  7. God, I hate Walmart. For personal and political reasons. Thanks for reminding me that there is no cheap piece of crap I need so much that I have to go to Walmart.

    1. My pleasure. Hate isn’t a strong enough word. That place is evil incarnate.

  8. That happens to me all the time. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to have anything interesting to say ever again…because I’m a doomsday theorist. lol I, too, went to Walmart yesterday. I met an old man in the checkout line who asked me to watch his cart so he could go and get bananas. Then when he got back he told me about living in Germany and how much he loves the Green Bay Packers. It was a nice break from the usual crowd, which consists of people who would totally drive that truck you took a picture of.

    1. That was a pleasant exchange! The line must have been long to squeeze all that in.

  9. Jesus would want you to write on your truck

    1. Thus sayeth the Lord.

  10. It’s funny, Walmart owns Asda here in the UK and it has exactly the same type of customers!

    1. Really? Too funny! A couple of my friends live in China and they said that Walmart there sells whole sharks.

  11. The trashy Walmart near me has an Ihop and an Arby’s in the same plaza. Those people would never have to leave their cars.

    The other Walmart is about a year and a half old and is really nice. The store that is. The people are what you might expect. I wonder if they realize they’re so strange.

    1. There’s an Arby’s in the parking lot to the one I’m talking about here! I guess Arby’s markets itself to that crowd.

  12. krugthethinker · · Reply

    Oh my goodness. Pasadena has now actually outlawed plastic bags at grocery stores, so you bring your own or pay for paper ones. One step closer to being civilized! I will send our (tiny) winds of change your way!

    1. Please do! Can we move in with you? I will buy you Whole Foods.

      1. krugthethinker · · Reply

        Hahaha, YES PLEASE! Also, I could not believe that truck. Oh. My. Goodness.

        1. Yeah, I just about crapped my pants when I saw it.

  13. The next time you go, discretely take a picture of the passed out woman for me.
    Don’t worry, she’ll still be there.

    1. Your comments never fail to make me LOL.

      1. Yesssss.
        Hey, writer’s block has a hold on me. What do I write about next?

          1. LOL!
            I used to work at Mervyns, which was owned my Target.

  14. I also avoid Wal Mart at all costs, but Guap is right, that truck alone was totally worth the trip! Oh, and the vision of fried, bag potatoes, which ALWAYS read festivities for me! Especially at 9 p.m., with a book in one hand and a tub of green chile dip in the other. I just made myself faint.

    1. Oh man, that sounds good. I take it all back! ;D

  15. You’ve pretty much described a trip to Wal Mart perfectly. I’m a Target gal myself, but every so often I have to head to Wal Mart. It’s the only place I’ve found that has sugar-free Hawaiian Punch (my kids love Hawaiian Punch, but I don’t want them rotting their teeth). It’s really kind of paradoxical when you think about it, because Wal Mart also carries the biggest boxes of candy I’ve ever seen. Bigger than a human head, really. Don’t think those are sugar-free.

    1. Target is my lover. I go there just to smell it. Unfortunately we don’t have a Super Target in our town or I would do our grocery shopping there. I know that Target is basically as evil as Walmart when it gets down to it, but to me it’s the lesser of the two.

      1. I have learned to just take a basket when I go to Target. If I grab a cart, I completely lose control. And the weird thing is, I’m not a big shopper anywhere else. Just Target. And we don’t have a Super Target either. Had one in my previous city, and boy, do I miss it.

      2. Actually, Wal Mart is waaaaaaaay eviler. Target has an excellent reputation for community support and at least attempting to contract from ethical manufacturers. Not to mention how Wal Mart treat their employees. There’s a documentary called The High Cost of Low Price that’s great on the subject, if you’ve never seen it. http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/wal-mart-the-high-cost-of-low-price/

  16. If god so loved that man he’d buy him a new truck.

  17. I made my once annual trip to Walmart for the year already so when hubby suggested we go there a couple of weeks ago he knew just how much I truly love him when I said yes. It is the place that grooming, fashion and normally forsakes. I just don’t understand how that is universally true basically anywhere you go. It was even true at one of the few walmarts in Europe we went to in Germany.

    1. I can’t get over how jealous I am of you that you only have to go to Walmart once a year :/

  18. That truck is awesome! Sometimes I go to Walmart just to people watch. It’s also the only place I’ve ever seen mumus for sale.

    1. Some of the clothing sold there is truly unfortunate.

  19. The picture gets even better every time I see it!!

    1. I’m sure that the owner of the truck would be delighted to hear that ;)

      1. They probably would think they sewed a seed for jesus in my heart.

  20. In your gravatar you wear glasses. Is it correct to assume that you were not wearing them cosmetically for The Virtual World and that you wear them in The Real World? I’m mentioning this because I have been wearing glasses for over 40 years — with the exception of a short period between 1986-1988 when my mother insisted I wear contacts. I much prefer glasses since it’s quicker to take them off in the heat of the moment but I digress. If you look like you went to college and you also wear glasses, that instantly gives you I.Q. points and if you’re shopping at Walmart that might even rate an honorary doctorate. People make the assumption that you’re such a bright light in the marquee, you will surely know where to find the breadcrumbs. I have been asked by strangers the time, directions, the forecast, my opinion about over the counter drugs, my recommendations at the grocer’s, just about what I think about almost anything — and I am sure this is because I wear glasses coupled with not looking like someone packing heat.

    1. You assume correctly; my first FP post was actually about my glasses! You are really onto something about them making me look more educated. I was also wearing a Vanderbilt tshirt at the time of this particular Walmart trip, so as far as this woman knew, I was the smartest person in town. (Haha I can say that and not sound totally full of it because I didn’t go to Vanderbilt.)

      1. It sounds like the only thing missing was a mortarboard on your head and Miss C holding a sign with an arrow pointing at you declaring, “She’s smart. Ask her anything.”

        I was not aware of your first FP post. Do you have a collection of them?

        1. No, only two. That probably came off sounding pretty snotty. I’m sure WordPress will cut me off with just the two because I’ve clearly already become drunk with power ;)

          1. I know a few people with two, if I know anyone that’s been FP’ed thrice they keep it on the downlow. I was once. I figure whoever was behind that has been sent to a labor camp.

            1. Ha! I wouldn’t say that at all. We’d all be so lucky if people like you were FP’d more often!

  21. I love capturing shots of vehicles like the one you have above. Check out the pink pick-up I caught at the Wal Mart here. http://honiebriggs.com/2012/01/19/take-it-anyway-you-want/ :)

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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