Fan Mail 2.0

Housekeeping is good. It helps you run a better blog. I occasionally do little things for my blog to give it a manicure. For instance, every so often I take it to the mall and let it try on new layouts and themes. So far, I think it looks best the way it’s dressed, so all we’ve done is window shopped.

One of the fun little housekeeping activities I enjoy is answering frequently asked questions from my readers. It’s been awhile since I last did this, so let’s shake the cobwebs off the rugs and the ol’ spam widget today for a little Halloween cleaning, shall we?

To the spam mobile!

Dear Emily,

an proud of her for that. sensation the gentle impression ans and her As more gentle approaches. adequate feather was as notion nevertheless her go away the holy grail.
this can be carl, i stated around the command pass just now? i really like my rubbish.

- how to trade binary options

Really, Binary Options? You like your rubbish? To each his own, I suppose. Also, I’d like to introduce you to a little someone called Horse Ebooks.

Scategorically,

Emily

__________

Dear Emily,

Hi there, We’ve been to your blog a few times. I got word about it through my girl. I decided to post a comment. We like laughs; so We contemplated enjoying a new joke with you not to mention your visitors. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world” The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

- A Joke

I’m thrilled that you finally decided to post a comment, A Joke. There are so many sleeper readers out there who read my blog but never say anything, so hopefully you will encourage others to take the chance. I am totally LOLing over your joke. Where’d you hear it? A joke book in the clearance bin at a bookstore at an outlet mall?

Yours in humor,

Emily

__________

Dear Emily,

could you improve your way of writing?

- bioloche

Probably, but since I write for free, this is likely as good as it’s ever going to get, Bioloche.

Stagnantly,

Emily

__________

Dear Emily,

please when you’re posting, do it carefully not to say the wrong thing.

-Casaemail

This is actually some really good advice, Casaemail. Just the other day I was sitting down to write a post about my seven month old baby. The words were coming. I mean, there was some real automatic writing going on here. But then, when I went back to read what I had written, I realized that the entire post was about carburetors and paper clips. Oops.

Thanks,

Emily

__________

Dear Emily,

I’m just writing to let you be aware of of the perfect experience our princess encountered browsing your webblog. She mastered a good number of pieces, not to mention what it is like to possess an amazing teaching nature to make the others just thoroughly grasp some hard to do topics. You truly exceeded readers’ desires. Many thanks for giving these warm and helpful, trusted, informative not to mention fun tips about the topic to Jane.

- Ugg Boots Australia

What what what WHAT!? You mean to tell me that Princess Jane is now reading my blog? I have arrived! Freshly Pressed, Smeshly Freshed! This is the preferred blog of her royal highness Jane, Princess of Ugg Boots Australia! Is there a badge I can put on my blog that touts this distinction? I’d love to put it up.

Your loyal subject,

Emily

__________

Dear Emily,

I seldom leave remarks, but i did some searching and woundup here Tales of the World: Get Naked | The Waiting.And I do have some questions for you if you tend not to mind.Is it just me or does it appear like some of the responses look like coming from
brain dead people? :-P And, if you are writing at other online socialsites, I’d like to follow everything fresh you have to post. Would you list of all of your shared pages like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

- 50 Shades of Grey

You are one to talk about brain dead people, 50 Shades of Grey. I mean, come on; the irony is just too delicious for me to not point this out. I did notice that Speaker7 commented on the jimjilbang post, so is this your retribution for her recraps? Really? Is this the best you can do? Sorry, but she has commented on my blog way more than you have so I am on her side. You have no ally in me, boo.

Yours,

Emily

******

Happy Halloween!

Related Awesomeness:

Fan Mail Volume I

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53 comments

  1. Le Clown · · Reply

    Emily,
    I love these posts. And isn’t it great that “fan mail” is from a never ending source of inspiration? I mean, no matter how much Askimet tries to filter everything, some will slip between the cracks, and end up in your inbox of love, which you have no qualm sharing with us all. That is love. Real love. Hear that, mama?
    Le Clown

    1. I so hear you. These posts are my favorite too, primarily because I can write them in about an hour. Any thing to make this mama get back to the timesuck that is fluffing decorative throw pillows.

  2. You are really dedicated to your fans, even the automatically generated robot-fans that aren’t even programmed smart enough to understand what you wrote.

    I envy you.

    1. Building a dedicated readership entails addressing the most automated of my fans. I am nothing if not dutiful.

      1. Haha, that’s brilliant

  3. I have a theory about these. They are actually recycled Mad Lib sheets. I just found an ancient stash of used Mad LIb tablets in an old desk that one of my sons used when he was homeschooled. In fourth grade.

    “…the glasses pooped in skateboard livers…”

    1. Mad Libs are probably my favorite thing of all time! I get a major kick out of gibberish, which is probably why I love blog spam so much.

      1. Ha! I saw this comment and had to laugh. Mad Libs are a perfect way to describe spam comments, and I love them! Zach and I keep a stash of Mad Libs books and do a couple at night before bed sometimes. It helps us wind down. The other night he decided he was going to come up with a word that had something to do with male anatomy (even descriptive words) for every blank. The end result was hilarious.

        1. I knew I liked you guys. Mad Libs before bed is the recipe for a happy marriage.

    2. I LOVE THIS THEORY

  4. Carburetors and paperclips! LOL!!!! Emily, You are one funny lady. Thanks for giving me a much needed laugh this morning. :)
    Have a spooky day!
    Lisa

    1. You too! We’ve got Halloween cupcakes and owl costumes at the ready. I think it’s going to be a good day :D

  5. Ah, you crack me up! :-) Hope Miss Cee enjoys her first Halloween as much as a 7 month old can enjoy such a “holiday”.

    1. I will be eating all her cupcakes and candy. Her treat will be me allowing her to chew on the cord to the computer, since that’s her favorite thing EVER.

  6. Ok, speechless. Which means that this comment is either hypocritical or ironic. I’m writing it for free, though, so it doesn’t really matter if it makes any sense. You can decide whether it’s hypocritical or ironic and then you can write about it some day. You’re welcome for giving you something for your stupid comments file.

    1. You’re safe. You have to have at least 5 typos to get into these posts, and I didn’t see any in yours.

  7. I have been getting a TON or spam comments from some Polish consulting firm. I think I got in the neighborhood of 80 over the weekend. I was not amused. I sent off a nasty gram to them since they seem like a legitimate company (as opposed to someone just trying to sell cialis). I can handle some spam, just for the amusument of it all, but 80 in two days? Not good!

    1. That is insane! I usually only get like 10 a week so 80 in the course of a weekend is cray cray. I sometimes get spam in Russian.

  8. Oh, man, I can’t believe you heard from A Joke. I’ve been waiting to hear from him. No fair.

    Love these posts!

    1. Thanks! I will get A Joke to write you if you’d like.

  9. I am so sad. The Princess of Overpriced House Shoes has never visited MY blog. That I know of. I am jealous!

    1. Its not too late! Maybe someday the Prince of Birkenstocks will spam you.

  10. Wait, I am extremely jealous that Princess Jane not only reads your blog, but that she’s learning so much from it as well. You’re basically royalty. Miss C will soon be Lady C and you will be Duchess Emily.
    But seriously these are the best posts ever. I got so excited when I saw that you posted one!

    1. Ha! I’m glad you enjoy them! They only take about 5 minutes to write so I should do them more often.

  11. me loves. spam is the gift that keeps on giving. xoxo

    1. Amen to that. I can never get enough of it.

  12. Where did they find the button that says “dump crap nuggets on my blog please!” instead of the comment button?
    I think I missed this in the tutorial…

    1. I have wondered the same thing. My mom thinks they are real comments sent by crazy people. LOL.

  13. Spam, don’t you just love it. You get a good laugh and we get a great post out of it.

    1. Everyone wins! :D

  14. Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

    1. OK, for serious, I have had a headache all day so when I read your comment I thought I had finally lost my mind and come down with a case of spontaneous dyslexia. LOOOOOL.

      1. If only it could have cured your headache ;). You’re awesome (yeah, I used the overused awesome).

        1. From one awesome abuser to another, thanks :)

  15. The best e-mail I’ve ever received said, “Your blog is terrible but don’t worry!” Yeah, like I was worried about how terrible it is!

    Loved this.

    1. Ha! How dare they! I hope you replied, “Your comment is terrible but don’t worry.”

      1. DAMN! I need to consult you next time.

  16. “To the spam mobile” – I love it. Are the occupants Spam man and Robin?

    1. Probably! Spam Man is like Batman only overweight and fluent in gibberish.

  17. You really must hook me up with Princess Jane. Mama needs some new shoes!

    Hmmm I wonder if one can run in Uggs? Maybe to the kitchen to get more BACON!

    1. Yes!!!! UggsuggsuggsuggsuggsUGGS!

  18. Actually 50 Shades of Grey is right, I am a brain-dead people.

    1. If you are brain dead, I don’t know what that makes me!

  19. Don’t write the wrong thing and improve your writing. Except when it comes to spam comments, huh?

    What jerks.

    1. I am pretty sure the people who write these spam messages are a unique hybrid of monkeys and bots.

  20. [...] Fan Mail 2.0. Dude. GO READ THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW. And put your Preparation Panties on. Ima do that tomorrow. BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME. [...]

  21. Good on you!! Good answers, interesting honesty from readers I must say. Everyone’s a critic eh??? hahahahaha…you did great.

    1. Those spammers are extremely critical. If I listened to their critiques and heeded their advice, I would likely be the best blogger in the world.

      1. Apparently…oh well. Instead you have one of the best blogs ever ANYWAY!!!

  22. Can’t wait for the comment on this post saying they had been searching for this information for hours.
    And to think, here it was, the whole time!

    1. I was cleaning out my filter today. Guess what. That email has already arrived.

  23. [...] while back, my girl, Emily, of The Waiting, did this cool thing where she answered a bunch of her spam comments. Hilarity ensued, and I was all, “OMG I WANNA DO THAT.” So here we are, followers. [...]

  24. [...] meat in a can – that can stay. I won’t eat it, but it can stay nonetheless. (And sorry Emily @ The Waiting. I know how much you like SPAM, but I mean business here!) I can’t put up with the likes of [...]

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