Extremely gross but critical information is in this blog post.

Take me to the head mommy blogger. I have a complaint I need to voice.

I feel I am owed an apology from the mommy blogger collective for something they failed to tell me. Sure, they told me that the first weeks would be hard. They told me that I should get used to the humbling experience of being essentially topless during the first months of my nursing baby’s life. They told me that I should probably document every single second of my child’s first year because it blows by so quickly. They prepared me for the horror of my child’s first fever.

These mommy bloggers are passionate in their cause to get us all ready for every possible contingency. They’ve done it all and seen it all and it’s their fervent desire to make us all as savvy as they are at this parenting game.

So why did no one ever tell me to think long and hard about feeding my child raisins AND cloth diapering her? WHY WHY WHY? Had I known the unfortunate consequences of giving C raisins and then having to launder her diapers after said raisins had run their course, I never would have offered her those nasty little things. Toxic does not even begin to describe their state at the end of the road.

Oh I'm sorry. I was just throwing up in my mouth.

Oh I’m sorry. I was just throwing up in my mouth.

I deplore raisins anyway. Always have, always will. To me, they look like globules of mashed-up ants that have been adhered together with tar. They have the consistency of snot. And that’s not even describing their flavor. Even though it was 1986 the last time I ate one that wasn’t buffered by a cookie or cereal, I recall the flavor being similar to what I imagine my mouth would taste like after vomiting up gummy worms after smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds. So, there’s that.

However, since C’s brain is not hardwired against raisins like mine is, I gave them to her (after checking with her pedia…gah.) What a mistake that was. Mommy bloggers, why didn’t you warn me? You didn’t have to spell it out and provide details as to why the combo of cloth diapers and raisins is the most horrendous thing ever. I would have believed you without those foul, explicit details. I would have taken your word for it. A small warning would have sufficed.

BUT NOOOOOOO, you decided that I would have to take one for the team and learn the hard way that those things blow through babies like a nor’easter combined with a dinosaur and Mike Tyson. I thought I had the cloth diapering thing down. Since it’s my baby’s poop, I could deal with it. Well, hell hath no fury and all that. The raisin poop is where I draw the line. That stuff could not have possibly been created by my sweet child.

I demand a refund.

I demand a public apology.

You, mommy bloggers, have dropped the ball. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not taking it anymore.

I’m picking up your slack. Here is my advice to those who don’t yet know. I won’t mince words: do not feed raisins to your baby. The end product simply isn’t worth it. Wait until they’re potty trained. Due to my discretion, I’m not going to tell you exactly why this is a horrible idea. You’re just going to trust me on this one.

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118 comments

      1. Hee hee… I went thru it already….I thought I was then immune to the gag factor since I didn’t gag with my own kid (too much) but as soon as I saw another kid’s snot/splat….the gag reflex came right back…

        1. It was horrible when I was a teacher.

  1. Haha. Is it strange that although I find your description of raisins mad accurate I love them? Did not know that raisins were baby-kryptonite.

    1. Neither did I. Please spread the word. No one should be exposed to the horrors.

  2. hahah! A nor’easter!! LOL!
    Please don’t hold me responsible. I’ve been out of the mommy loop for some time now. I don’t blame you for being pissy. It’s bad enough with disposable diapers, I guess that particular cloth diaper, in the aftermath, becomes disposable?? haha!
    Poor Cee. She was probably confused by your horror. :D

    1. I definitely won’t hold you responsible. You have likely buried all these types of memories in your subconscious. It’s a good coping mechanism.

  3. Oh. My. Shat. I knew what was coming from the title. Wishing you a less horrendous clean up :(

    1. Thanks. We have removed raisins from the menu until her digestive system can handle them more gracefully.

  4. Who eats raisins? People who are to fancy for grapes?

    Raisin elitists!

    Never trust a food that already looks like scat.

    I could doo-doo this all day.

    1. I think you and I are going to get along really well.

      1. Is it because I only eat Craisins?

        I assume that means crazy-raisins

        1. Craisins I can handle because they don’t look like dyed insect larva and they actually taste good.

            1. I’m glad we see eye-to-eye.

  5. While I don’t blog about babies very often, I could have given you a cradle to grave analysis of cloth vs. disposable diapers (which you probably wouldn’t have paid heed to). Besides, a vile diaper is a vile diaper and I threw that disgusting stuff in the toilet anyway. But, my children had the good sense to despise raisins. Sorry. I’ll try to think of other disgusting things.

    1. That’s what kills me so much, that she LOVES raisins but they raise such hell in her bowels and I just can’t bring myself to give them to her. I feel bad taking them away. I guess I’ll just get used to it.

      1. There are two parenting lessons here. First, don’t feel bad about taking away things that disgust you. You have to get used to taking things away. Do it now while it’s just raisins and not car keys. Second, get used to getting used to things. Some day, you’ll have to get used to being called lame, old, fat, stupid, weird, hypocritical, etc., on a regular basis. Now is the time to begin letting go. I think my turn to Buddhism was cemented during my son’s infancy. Whether you decided to allow raisins or take them away, you will be a better parent for it. May the force be with you.

  6. Now I have to give little man raisins and see what the fuss is. Though because we use disposables, may not be as bad…

    1. Don’t say I didn’t warn you ;) For sers, though, if he’s older than C (9.5MO), then he (and you) should probably be OK.

  7. Oh, Emily—I’m so sorry. I knew all about this, but never thought to warn you. All the empty nest partying my husband and I have been doing lately is fogging my brain. As a veteran general of the cloth diaper campaigns, I battled the effluence of six productive children during the 80’s and 90’s. Those were the days when we folded thin flannel sheets into “kites” and used real pins and plastic pants. Ah, but we intrepid moms had our hands, um, full back then. Nastiness abounded. Raisins were limited to the days when unsuspecting babysitters or grandmas took the troops. I really do apologize for not passing on this valuable info to new mothers everywhere. Has anyone warned you about kale?

    1. LOL it’s OK. ;D I will take your word for it on the kale, though. That sounds like something I would have given her without thinking of the dire consequences.

  8. I love raisins! This is too funny.

    1. Thanks! You wouldn’t love them anymore if you saw them the way I saw them :P

      1. =) I’ve seen them that way too, But, they were in disposables. I wanted to try cloth and now you are making glad I didn’t. Good luck next time…or there probably will not be a next time.

        1. Hehehe you are very correct. There will not be a next time for awhile ;D

  9. Emily,
    Two scoops of morning love, it was, wasn’t it?
    Le Clown

    1. Dear lawd. It’s frightening.

  10. Ew, Em but you know, sweet baby C. I’m strange about raisins. I don’t like them in ANYTHING (they seem like bugs to me) except for salad. I like them in salad and that’s it.

    1. They are indeed toxic. If I had liked them prior to this run-in, our friendship would now be over.

  11. I just wasn’t adventurous enough to have given my babies raisins at that age. So i guess that’s one thing I did correctly!

    1. Hahaha you did WAY more than just that correctly! I wish I had been as wise as you and steered clear of the raisins.

  12. I’m a raisin fan, even though your description of them cracked me the hell up. Raisin poops are not pretty, but man, I’ve seen some bad ones (black beans!). You’re going to be amazed at the things that come out of your child in the next few months… lol

    1. Good point. I was going to let her try out beans soon but I think I am still too traumatized by the raisins that they will have to wait. Until she’s, like, 8.

  13. I’ve been saying for years that raisins were the devils fruit.

    1. This is why I would vote for you if you ran for president.

  14. Wow! Who knew? Thanks for enlightening the non-parents!

    1. It is my pleasure and duty ;D

  15. Reason #287 raisins need not exist.

  16. Ack! But I have to say: your description of raisins is dead on. So gross! I wouldn’t eat them even if they were cosseted by the most delicious cookie in the world. So sign me up for team no raisins, and thank you for this warning!

    1. Yet another reason why you are the best besfrinn. If you had told me that you liked raisins then our entire friendship would be a sham.

  17. I’m telling every new mom I know

    1. Thank you. This is extremely important information.

  18. Also: Blueberries. Your cloth diapers will never recover.

    1. Too late. I’m already down an entire bottle of bleach.

      1. And one day you’ll be halfway to the ER before you remembered that you fed your child beets.

        1. I am going to write this down and put it on a Post-It next to her changing table.

  19. Are raisins really any worse than anything else a child can poop out. I mean, it’s poop. If it was pleasant, they probably wouldn’t call it poop.

    1. That’s true, but there is a hierarchy. And at the top are raisins.

      1. Maybe it’s just because I abhor the stuff in general, but I think corn is MUCH worse.

  20. I never had a problem with cloth diapers and raisins. Watermelon, on the other hand. My husband fed Squish 1/4 a watermelon one day, and it looked like he was hemorrhaging.

    1. Ooooh I never thought of that one. Consider me warned.

  21. Oranges. We never fed Doodle raisins, because they’re EFFING DISGUSTING, so I know not what you mean there. But oranges, especially like those little cuties. Oh man, no fun cleaning cloth. We just gave him orange juice *pulp effing free* til he started using the potty. Don’t underestimate your washer, though. Mine powered through much more than I thought it capable of. :)

    1. Our washer is a rental, thank God. I don’t know if I would put one I actually owned outright through that kind of punishment. Thanks for the orange tip. We will stay away.

  22. Wonder if plums have the same effect.

    1. I am thinking yes. And I’d also like to add that I love that I think about these things now.

  23. The Artist used to get constipated regularly, and at one point it got so bad that I had to get her prune juice. Which she really liked (weird kid). I didn’t think through the fact that I should be capping her intake, I was too busy palpitating her abdomen to see how hard it was. . . Yeah. But we used disposable diapers, not cloth, so I at least had that going for me.

    1. I wish someone had told me these things before I had a baby. I mean, I would have still wanted one, but I would have appreciated knowing ahead of time that massaging their tummies is a normal part of parenting a small child.

      1. Well, we finally figured out the problem with The Artist was that we would give her a sippy of hot chocolate every morning. It was like her coffee (bad parents & caregiver, I know). And, like coffee, it had caffeine, not a ton, but enough to constipate little intestines. Her grandma actually had to give her an enema once (I know you really wanted to know that).

        Because it popped into my head, I have to ask, though I’m guessing I know the answer. Did you and C’s dad take the good baby CPR classes, or get refreshers if you’d already had them?

  24. You’ve got me scared shitless. No raisin-flavored excrement for me.

    1. I like to serve up some complimentary blogging birth control every so often.

      1. Cheaper than the pill!

        1. I’ve been told it’s more effective too.

  25. I always thought I was weird for thinking cigarettes smelled like raisins. I no longer think I am weird.

    1. I am so glad I’m not the only person who has made that comparison. You and I are just really in touch with our olfactory senses.

  26. twindaddy · · Reply

    I could never do cloth diapers.

    1. They will put some hair on your chest.

      1. twindaddy · · Reply

        Yeah, I don’t know that I’d be impressed with that…

  27. I hate raisins; this is just another reason why they are evil. I’m with you on the craisins, though. They’re delicious. Especially the orange-flavored ones. Yum.

    1. I know! I had you in mind when I wrote this. Raisin haters of the world must unite.

  28. Yuck…. We did that with craisins. …disgusting. I should also warn you about corn..it comes through gross, nasty, abhorrent and much as if it had never been eaten…all at the same time. Don’t ask me how.

    1. Yeah, I was thinking of giving her corn the other day but then it occurred to me that corn would be worse than raisins, so I’m holding off for now.

  29. unfetteredbs · · Reply

    this was awesome. Can’t say I ever gave my kids raisins.

    1. You are extremely wise.

  30. Prunes and raisins will do that to you, LOL IThey are given to people who suffer from constipation.

    Cheers !

  31. Well, you never would eat raisins when you were little. You didn’t like the way they looked and you were afraid of them. (I’m NOT kidding.) Guess you were right!
    Mom

    1. Pretty sure they are the only food I ever feared outright.

  32. gavmomof2 · · Reply

    I couldn’t help but laugh! For some reason (and now I’m dating myself) I had a flashback to a raisin cartoon commercial that was popular when we were kids – it was the California Raisins singing “I heard it through the grape vine”. LOL !

    1. I remember those California Raisins! I always really, really wanted to like raisins for their sake alone. They were so cool!

  33. I love raisins. Well, not anymore. Not now. Not after this.

    1. I’m sorry for ruining your appetite. If you ever have kids you’ll thank me though.

  34. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha! I’m soooooo sorry you had to go through this… I am not a mommy myself but I will remember this when/if the time comes. Haha

    1. Please please please remember! For your own sake!

      1. I WILL. I’m so nervous. Haha.

  35. harperfaulkner · · Reply

    Just something you have to get use to when you’re raisin kids. HF

    1. ^Comment of the day.

      1. harperfaulkner · · Reply

        I’d like to thank the academy and all the little people that made this honor possible–Tom Cruise,Verne Troyer, Little Jimmy Dickens and Danny DeVito.

        1. Better be careful or Kanye is going to storm the stage.

  36. Raisins didn’t do anything for Sophia, though she never ate much of it because she never liked it. But then, isn’t the BRAT (bananas, raisins, apples, toast) diet supposed to cause constipation?

    Btw, that is the reason I don’t do cloth diapering. I love the environment and all but I’d rather do a lot of other things than wash poop to save the environment. Oh dear, that is so the politically incorrect thing to say.

    1. Hehehe it’s OK ;) Cloth diapering is probably the only somewhat environmentally sound thing that we do. Confession: I haven’t recycled in years. Ooops.

  37. Danda gets the same thing if I let him loose with the entire raisin supply. He has no self control….

    1. Neither does C! We should get them together.

  38. [...] The Waiting) told me waaaay too much about the interaction of a baby’s digestive system with raisins. Hilariously vile. My Cyber House Rules finally took her place in a hopefully never-ending summer [...]

  39. Yikes!
    Sorry, I’m speechless…

    1. You’ve probably blocked those memories from your own mind, and for that I can’t blame you.

  40. I never thought (so closely) about the repercussions of raisins. True words were spoken here. I thought beets were bad…

    1. We haven’t tried beets yet. I am still too traumatized by the raisins to attempt anything crazy for awhile.

      1. The kids have as much fun with beets as you will. I remember the first time that my daughter was aware of it and was horrified that she was bleeding.

  41. Check out today’s post for a little lovin’ directed your way, Emily!

    1. OMG of course! :D Thanks!

  42. Is it weird that I’m wondering why it’s so awful? Are raisins like corn, coming out whole?

    1. Ding ding. You nailed it.

      1. …. hmm… gross…

  43. I did not know as we did disposables. Sorry.

    1. That’s OK. You’ll know for next time.

  44. This is why I’m not having kids.And if I do end up having them, I’m sure as hell never using cloth diapers. That sounds so grody.
    I think that was your life’s test. Now God should go easy on you for a while. I assume.

    1. I am assuming the same thing. Any day now I should be winning the lottery or at least a free coffee at Starbucks.

  45. HaHa, NOW YOU KNOW. I purposefully withheld this information from YOU.

    Hold the phone, it’s from my mother…she’s channeling me..no, wait, she said to tell you, “JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN!!”

    Kiddie Karma at its best.

    Reminds me of the unwritten blog in my head about the missionaries from Africa who were seeking donations following their PowerPoint in the sanctuary while I was changing their precious oatmeal-butt in the church nursery.

    And THAT reminds me of my still-unwritten gem about the horrors found in the diaper bag.

    1. I am going to have to insist that you write that blog post soon. ;D

      1. Don’t tempt me…!

  46. Tell me when you’re ready to hear my lecture about raisins and tooth decay.

    -DD

    1. Yeah, yeah. I know now. I am really flying by the seat of my pants over here ;)

  47. No raisins, check. Unless I want to play a mean trick on Hubby, also check. Thanks.

    1. Save it for when you’re REALLY mad at him ;)

  48. Lol, great post, can’t stand the things either!! Yuck! You’ve armed me with some very powerful information, thank you :)

    Rohan.

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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