I should probably write a blog.

I have a few extra minutes. I’ll write a blog post.

*Logs into WordPress.*

I should check out Freshly Pressed. It’s been a few days. Anything good? HEY! My blogging friend has been FP’d! I should read what they wrote.

*Reads post. Feels dumb because overlooked it when first saw it in reader several days ago. Writes substantive comment proving that I really did read it and didn’t just check it because it was FP’d.*

OK, so a post. Should I write something serious? Meh, I wrote something serious last time. I don’t want people to think I’m depressed. Am I depressed? I’m a blogger, so I’m probably depressed. Or I have ADD.

Speaking of ADD.

*Checks Twitter. Retweets a bunch of stuff. Remembers that I have unfollowed people for retweeting as much crap as I am retweeting now. Tries to think of a good tweet. Can only say snide things about Caillou. Self loathing commences.*

So, a post. All the unfunny I just spewed on Twitter has cleared the way for the real funny. Should I write about the baby? People seem to like the baby. I like the baby. I probably shouldn’t make fun of her on the blog. That’s a good way to ensure she’ll give me hell in her teenage years. But at least I’m recording her childhood? She won’t be mad that I told everyone about her raisin poops because I also said all those nice things about her. I should just make fun of Facebook. It’s already scarred for life.

*Logs into Facebook. Sees that the blog’s Facebook page gets way more action than personal page. Personal page is the kid with headgear that smells like soup and liked Saved By the Bell before it was ironic and hilarious to do so. Blog page doesn’t know it exists. Personal page wishes it could get to second base with blog page.*

I should really write a post.

Maybe I should read some posts first? The first step to successful writing is successful reading.

*Scans the reader. Reads some posts, all good, as I have excellent subscribing taste. Likes them. Realizes that I should probably comment too or people will think that I’m one of those obnoxious people who only Likes and never reads. Writes magnum opus in the comments section of several blogs. Uses up all eloquence that could have gone to a decent blog post.*

I should respond to all those comments people left on the blog over the weekend. How dare I write a new post while I still have unfinished business! I am lucky to get any comments at all.

*Checks comments. All way thoughtful, all deserving real answers. Responds with Arrested Development references and LOLcats links instead.*

*Glances over at empty glass of water on the side table. Refills it and eats some crackers in the process, in order to nourish self for all the Very Serious Writing that is about to take place.*

Until Klout. How is my score? WHAT. Why is my score going down??? Why do I even care? I haven’t gotten a new perk in almost a month!!!! This website is broken!!!! WHY WHY WHY? Where am I?

*Logs back into Facebook. Messages several people to join Klout because it’s “totally awesome” and because doing so will push up score. BECAUSE THE INTERNET IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL THE THINGS. At least I don’t play Farmville?*

*Toggles back to WordPress. My novella-length comments have been answered. But soft, what is this? New followers! Eats more crackers to celebrate. They’re all bots BUT CRACKERS AND FOLLOWERS ARE YES.*

I should check and see if anyone read the post I put on BlogHer. I need to dominate BlogHer. BlogHer needs me.

BlogHer doesn’t need you.

Oh right. Twitter needs me.

*Remembers funny thing husband said that morning. Tweets it and passes it off as one’s own. Wonders if plagiarism counts if the person you copied is your spouse.*

*Waits for stars.*

*Waits for retweets.*

*Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.*

Yeah, I didn’t think it was that funny either. Unfunny husband.

*Glances at clock. Baby has five minutes of nap left. Realizes that no blogging will be done today. Decides to write book. That sounds like a fantastically good idea.*

*Tweets about my upcoming book. Sets up Facebook fan page for novel that has yet to be written. Chooses super-flattering picture of me wearing my smart people glasses for the profile pic.*

The baby’s waking up. What an afternoon well spent. I love blogging.

***

You may have noticed that I linked The Waiting’s Facebook page above. That was my polite way of indicating that you should probably “like” it. Now I’m just straight-up begging. Here it is again. I’m three likes away from 100 and it sure would be nice for me to have something to toast this weekend besides a fulfilling life, my health, a beautiful child, and the utter devotion of the other 97. Because priorities. Please and thank you.

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86 comments

  1. “Personal page is the kid with headgear that smells like soup and liked Saved By the Bell before it was ironic and hilarious to do so.” Hahahaha and also, my page would be your page’s even dorkier little sister. No shame woman. I “liked” Kenny G… because there wasn’t a LOVE button :)

    1. Our pages probably play rollplaying games on the weekend together.

  2. twindaddy · · Reply

    Now I see. You wanted me to join Klout not because it was cool, but to up your score. This makes me feel cheap and expendable.

    1. My cover is blown. I am Klout’s bitch. Don’t get sucked in!

      1. twindaddy · · Reply

        I still feel so used…

        1. This is the evil cycle that Klout puts in motion. You know I love you, TD. From the bottom of my shallow Internet heart.

          1. twindaddy · · Reply

            And even more so if I join Klout. I get it…

  3. I’m glad I’m not the only one with crazy convos playing in their head. You can do no wrong in my eyes. Every post is worth the read. Just sayin’.

    1. I feel the same way about you. I like the conversations in my head.

  4. Fortunately, I’ve acheived a Zen state of online awareness.
    Much more fun when ignnoring the stats.

    1. What is this stat ignorance you speak of and how can I get some?

  5. Yeah, you should probably blog more. Nobody likes a blogger who only posts sporadically, when he feels like it, and forgets to respond to comments for several weeks at a time. Those people are assholes. Don’t be those people.

    1. Those people are also a lot better about quality vs. quantity. I wish I could say so much about a certain blogger whose initials are EPA.

  6. Get out of my head woman. Except for the Twitter part. I suck at Twitter. Damn all the social media…spreads you so thin. I was surprised when my blog Twitter account got a new follower yesterday, since I ignore it like the plague. Then I realized it was just my husband, who had apparently just realized two years later that he wasn’t following me.

    1. My husband follows me on Twitter and he has an infinity more followers than I do. I have Twitter envy. Paging Dr. Freud.

      1. Nah. Just blog about it. Cheaper than therapy. And you’ll get more advice than you could ever ask for. Sucky advice, and completely unsolicited, but advice no less.

  7. *Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.*

    I’m laughing out loud. They say laughing out loud at something means you totally relate with that something. I’m not confirming anything, though. *whistles*

    1. I laugh out loud very rarely from reading so I think I relate to almost nothing. I do a little noisy exhale, though, when something amuses me, which must mean that I’m vaguely human. ;D

  8. I’m devoting a whole post to Facebook-like begging later. I have no dignity or integrity anymore.

    1. What is integrity? I am unfamiliar with this concept.

  9. You just captured my inner monologue.

    1. Our inner monologues should go get coffee.

  10. Fulfilling life, good health and adorable baby ARE SO OVERRATED.

    1. I know, right? I want to have ALL the Facebook friends.

  11. sidney · · Reply

    Awesome !!!

  12. Sounds like that was a productive nap-time for all.

    1. I could for sure run a Fortune 500 company.

      1. Or at least a day care center for one.

        1. Aren’t they the same?

  13. I almost feel tempted to type out a really long message with many important links just to make your life a bit harder but I will forego it. A simple “thanks” is all you need to comment here.

    1. You know I cannot do that. In my mind, I feel that the comment reply should be at least as long as the comment itself. That means I still need to write another line and a half. Now I’m at quota. And look at this: because I’m feeling generous, I’m gonna keep on going. OK, that’s enough.

      1. Seriously, where have you people been all my life? I might just stop blogging altogether and just follow your comment sections.

  14. So true…and humor lurks in the relatable. And okay, okay, I’m going over now to “like”

    1. Thank you for humoring me, Cathy.

  15. Sounds like the morning I had the other day, only I was supposed to be working on my novel. Some days I’m more disciplined than a monk taking a vow of silence. Other days I’m a loosey goosey who just can’t get her social media vs. writing act together. Glad to see I’m not the only one. Have a great weekend, Emily!

    1. I am so excited to hear you have another novel in the works!

      1. Now if I can just get my time management down…

  16. genericmessage · · Reply

    What just happened?

    1. Please tell me if you find out. I have no accountability for what I say here.

  17. You are hilariousss! Yes, true blogging. I feel ya!

    1. True dat. True blogging.

  18. Hey. I used to play Farmville.

    1. So you DO have an imperfection!

      1. One of many. I’ll confess to more later.

        1. Please don’t mar my idealized image of you too much.

          1. So you don’t want to know about the socks with Birkenstocks, I take it.

  19. I like reading relatable posts, so I enjoyed this.

    1. I’m glad you liked it!

  20. This is hilarious! Also, word on the street is another season of Arrested Development is coming in May on Netflix. EEEEEE!!!

    1. I KNOW! It’s all true! We have a countdown calendar posted on our fridge!

  21. This was unnervingly familiar. Twilight Zone-ish, even. I guess I won’t be writing that snarky post about Caillou.

    1. Au contraire, PLEASE write it. Caillou needs to be put in his place.

  22. This was hysterical…. thank you for being the best thing I have ever done in my whole life. Well, not “done” like DONE, but oh forget it… I heart you. :)

    1. I heart you too. Your Gravatar gives me the warm-fuzzies.

  23. Ashley Austrew · · Reply

    We are the same. Also, you crack me up.

    1. I really think we are the same. It’s kind of eerie yet cool.

  24. I shall go and “like” this very moment! :)

    1. And check it out – 105. Way better to celebrate 105 than a measly 100! :)

    2. Thank you for doing that! I promise to deliver.

  25. Must. See. You. Again. Soon.

    1. We are planning on another trip to the NC State Farmer’s Market in the next coming weeks. That place is my zen. I will message you.

  26. May I read parts of this blog for my next group therapy session to teach the little impulsively violent children in the hospital how to slow down, capture their stream of consciousness, and by golly once and for all THINK before they act themselves right into the correctional system (or out of it by reason of insanity)?

    1. Please, please do! I can even edit it down for you if you’d like.

  27. If you want to get over your slavery to stats, just remember this: Stats are just numbers and numbers never did anything important anyways.

    1. So much truth. Stats are lazy.

  28. Le Clown · · Reply

    Emily,
    I for one will comment on the many voices in your head, as we both know I’m right, and I’m not talking to you, Emily.
    Le Clown

    1. Wait. Lemme go get Emily.

  29. How did you know ;-)
    What a great post, and I went and liked your Facebook page right away!

    1. I am psychic ;D

      Thank you for “liking” me! I promise to deliver.

  30. I am also not a Farmville player. I look down a little on those who are. Candy Crush is equally as bad. Also, I am expecting a substantial and thoughtful reply to this comment. Asap.

    1. Substantial? I’ve got your substantial RIGHT HERE!

      http://emotiongifs.com/happiness/wednesday-addams-dancing/

      1. Is that a picture of you watching me dance?

        1. How did you know?????

          1. You know, I thought I heard a camera clicking away but I was so in the zone, I didn’t think about it.

  31. I’d follow you on FB if I had FB! :) I loved this post. I go through a very similar process! :) Oooh, and it stinks when one of my blog friends is FP’d and I missed their post. I read all the other ones first, or second, and then one day I check in and there’s a hundred-n-fifty replies before me… at that point, all I want to say, “Hey, I’m a regular! Move me to the front of the line! Oh, and congrats.” ;)

    1. You are indeed a wise soul for not falling down the Facebook wormhole! It’s a trap! Showing up late to Freshly Pressed is like showing up late to a wedding. You’re like “Oh sorry I missed the ceremony but gimme the cake!”

  32. Ha! I have a very similar post in my “draft” folder. I have a lot of days like this… so it was easy to follow you down the rabbit hole! wink wink

    1. I’m glad you can identify! Rabbit hole is a nice thing to call it. Facebook is more like a black hole ;D

  33. TheTragicWhale · · Reply

    “Scans the reader. Reads some posts, all good, as I have excellent subscribing taste. Likes them. Realizes that I should probably comment too or people will think that I’m one of those obnoxious people who only Likes and never reads.” That’s me! I never know what to say. And when I do think of something I think, “Wait, what if someone else already said that…? Should I go and read the other comments just to make sure…?” I read a comment or two, then I get distracted / throw in the towel.

  34. I’ve only been back blogging for a short time but already I keep thinking ‘I should write a blog!’. ‘But you only wrote one two days ago. Don’t want to over-do it.’ ‘But isn’t that the point of blogging and getting more popular in blog-world? You have to write more blogs to do it!’ ‘But I want to write a quality blog. It’s about quality, not quantity’.
    *takes 8 days to think about what I will write in my quality blog post*

  35. This is almost exactly how I blog. Attention spans – who needs them anyway, right? Right?!

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