Since my blog stats are already at a super low right now*, I am going to go ahead and talk about a dream I had last night. There is nothing I could do to further estrange my readership, so I figure that now’s as good a time as ever to write a post that is the blogging equivalent of showing you pictures of people you don’t even know at a fundraiser or something.
*Seriously, though, thanks for sticking around. I’m still writing through it, and I hope to be on the other side of the doldrums soon.
Last night I dreamed that I was at a hospital waiting in a reception area for the results of a routine test that had been performed on me days before. I think it was probably a blood pressure exam or something humdrum like that. While I waited, B went to a drink machine to get a Coke. In his absence, a nurse came out to me with a pink and green book. She gave it to me and told me I was expecting twins and that one of them was for sure a boy. She could tell because he had a lot of hair. (I know.) I could look through the book to find more information on my babies. She told me all this out in the open, in front of other patients and with no confidentiality, which was odd to me even in the oh-it’s-totally-normal-that-my-husband-is-Kurt-Cobain reality of the dream. I asked her to stop talking so we could both wait for B to come back before she divulged more information that I was likely to forget or possess the wherewithal to convey to him. But she just led me to an exam room and left.
The exam room was just a huge, open warehousish space that was icy blue and separated with many curtain partitions. It had low ceilings and no windows. While I waited, I opened my purse and found a huge piece of raw beef that was in a Ziploc bag. I remembered that I had put it in my bag days earlier with the intent to throw it away. The bag was now punctured and leaking blood all over the contents of my purse. I threw it away in the exam room and decided to find a way to leave. When I left my partitioned cell, I noticed that all the teal blue equipment in the hospital was covered in splotches of blood too. So, dream me decided that my decision to leave was a good one because gross.
I woke up about then. My mind immediately went to the twins in the dream and how terrifying it would be if I were indeed pregnant (just to be 1000% clear with you, I’m NOT.) with not one new baby but two. Supes practical me started freaking out about where we would actually put these new humans if they arrived. Our apartment is small and we’re busting at the seams as C outgrows all her baby junk. Big girl carseat arrives this Friday and when I ordered it at Target.com I had half a mind to buy some training bras too.
Lying in bed, I probably chose to dwell on the practicality of housing two newborns rather than affording them – which would be the real issue we’d face – because it’s not as overwhelming. We won’t live in our apartment for more than another year, but I’m not sure we’ll ever be even modestly wealthy. Seriously, I don’t know if it would even be fiscally responsible for us to have another child. C’s cardiogram last month already wiped out the prospect of us going on a modest vacation this summer outside of the roadtrip to see family in Tennessee. You may have never heard this before, but kids are expensive.
Then I worried about how C would handle being an older sibling. READ: I worried about how I could handle being the parent to more than one child. The tens of you who read my blog know that I am pretty much obsessed with her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and her eyelashes demand my attention at all times. And while I know in my mind that if I had another child, I would not love her or the new baby any less, I cannot imagine my heart growing any more to accommodate another child. It just doesn’t seem possible.
Yes yes yes, I know it would be possible, and in fact having another child would make me love C more. Love is not something that you run out of. It begets itself. But remember that the same brain that you’re trying to explain that to is one that dreams of rancid Ziplocked steaks leaking all over Subway Sub Club punch cards in her purse. That’s what we’re up against, folks.
I don’t even know. I fell back asleep pretty easily. For funsies, I took a pregnancy test this morning just to make sure my uterus is 100% empty. It was. And because I am totally logical, that made me sad. Anyone want to swap brains for a sec? I’ll throw in some spaghetti I made in the Crock Pot to sweeten the deal.
Likey me bloggy? Likey me Facey!
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