A Compulsory Post Concerning the Naming of the Kardashian-West Baby

B and I talk a lot about what makes a piece of Internet writing good. We share an interest in blogging and social media, so many times we narrate our evening strolls with C with conversations about Medium, blogging, and how we’re going to make our millions talking on the Internet. (Hint: we’re not.) The other night, we agreed that reactionary posts about ridiculous things celebrities do are way too easy to write and therefore probably aren’t that good. The idiot celebrities who pull their stunts do most of the work for you, and all you have to exhibit is an iota of common sense in your reaction to them.

I am going to go ahead and break my own rules, though, and talk about how freaking inane it is that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian named their child “North”, making the child’s name North West. While I believe that parents should support each other in their endeavors to raise their kids however they chose (as long as love and safety are at the core of their methods) and not nitpick each other based on the details of their parenting strategies, I cannot get over how angry it makes me that these two entertainers have essentially given their kid a pun for a name.

I’m kind of ashamed of myself for even being surprised. Could I have expected something better from two people who are arguably The Worst Ever? To basically give their child a name that is nothing better than a headline-grabber and blog fodder? No, I couldn’t have. These two individuals have crafted “careers” out of being outrageous and despicable, out of getting married for ratings (see: Kardashian) and for behaving as a charlatan on public fundraisers and awards shows (see: West.) (PLUS, can I just get it out of my system how much I DEPLORE Kanye West for ruining my precious Daft Punk?)

How shall I tackle this topic?

Should I resort to the ever-popular “open letter” format and write a missive to the proud parents, giving them a piece of my mind? Maybe I could write a letter to poor North notifying her of the avenues she can take to change her name to something a little less ostentatious.

Shall I create a list of twenty other names that Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian could have selected for their offspring?

Should I take screen caps of the myriad hilarious tweets and Facebook status updates I have seen regarding the naming of the Kardashian-West baby? Sometimes you just have to crowdsource the parody.

Maybe I should write a piece of fan fiction where North West, Apple Paltrow, and Lorenzo “Snooki’s Baby” LaValle all get together as adults and plot ways that they can utterly humiliate their parents in a similar way that they humiliated them as infants.

I realize that my response to them is exactly what they want. They want to be hated. They want to have attention in whatever form they can get it. They want little bloggers like me to write about them. 

However, I am still entitled to my ire and I would feel it just as strongly if they were a couple of people who lived downstairs in my apartment building. Foolish is foolish no matter how famous you are.

God bless their child. May she be better than her parents.

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62 comments

  1. On behalf of all Pacific Northwesterners: we didn’t want that shit.

    1. It just makes me want to claw at things.

  2. I was not aware of this until my friend Coco told me about it today. I thought Coco was joking, but when she said she was serious, the first thought that entered my head was if they have another, will they call that one “South”? Too bad they didn’t call her Rebecca, but that would have been over their heads.

    1. Or they could have just pulled a George Foreman and named the baby Kanye West.

  3. TamaraCG · · Reply

    Okay….okay….so…here’s the thing…

    If it weren’t for the pun, I wouldn’t hate the name. Chances are that kid will be beautiful. She’ll probably have beautiful dark skin from her Daddy, her Mom’s striking eyes, and she’ll definitely have a figure that won’t quit. One could make the argument that by giving her this name, they’re setting her up for a lifetime of media attention and interest, hopefully allowing her to pursue whatever interests she might have. Maybe music, like Dad. Maybe sex videos, like Mom. (I kid, I kid…but seriously.) Maybe fashion, or art, or television, or film. Honestly, with her “pedigree” (and I really hate to call it that), giving her a catchy name is just the icing on the cake. The media isn’t going to obsess over a Jennifer or Rebecca or Sarah West. But they will this kid. In a sick and twisted way, those two people just gave that kid another leg up in life. And as bonkers as it is to us, it’s their right to pick their own spawn’s name. THAT said, they really could just be hugely cheesy and like shit like that. We’ve all heard of “normal”, non-celebrity people who’ve named their children ridiculous and punny names. It could be possible they were just laying in bed one night thinking, “OMG, you know what would be AWESOME?? Naming her, like, East. Or, South. Or, North. She’d be ‘North West’. How cool is that??” And the other was all, “UMMMM BEST IDEA EVER.” It’s totally possible. They’re both a little nutty, so this could have totally happened. Either way, it ain’t our baby. You couldn’t pay me money to shack up with Kanye West or Kim Kardashian. But they did it and they made themselves a baby. Who cares? At least it wasn’t me.

    1. Word. I always love your takes on things ;D I hope the world is kind to her despite her pedigree. Everyone deserves to be treated as their own person, not a product of their parents.

      1. TamaraCG · · Reply

        I think the world will be kind to her BECAUSE of her pedigree. (At least the part of the world that loves Reality Television. Oh, and TMZ.) As parents, we all want to give our kids more than we had. They’re giving this baby that. Fucked up name and all. LOL

  4. I saw this unbelievable article this morning. I was ready for some off-the-wall “K” name. That would have been bad enough, but this is just horrible. The poor child! What were they thinking? No, I take that back. Apparently, they were NOT thinking. The poor little thing.

    1. Agreed. I think I am still going to draft that letter to her and let her know the avenues of changing her name, should she chose to.

  5. Could’ve been worse. They could’ve named her Knorth.

    Maybe one day, she’ll write her autobiography and call it North by North West.

    Have I sufficiently piled on yet?

    1. Please keep the cuns poming. (Doesn’t that sound absolutely filthy?)

      1. It does. I can’t look at you the same way now. Not since you decided to work blue.

  6. This is disturbing on so many levels. I hope they don’t call her “No” as a nick name. LOL!! It’s just embarrassing — it makes me cringe. Then again, what did we think they were going to name her? I must admit that part of me is relieved they don’t go down the road of exhausting crazy “K” names. That child is doomed to be raised in the tackiest of lifestyles. Let’s just pray that NO doesn’t have a bubble butt like her mother. Seriously, let’s pray.

    1. Amen. I will light a candle for her and all her ilk. ;D

  7. I bet they think they’re so funny and clever with this too. I can happily say the only Kanye West song I know is Jesus Walks and I only know that one because of the movie Jarhead. The worst thing is that there are people out there who love them both. They’re the same reason why we have 6 Fast and Furious movies…

    1. I have a confession to make: when he won the Grammy for Jesus Walks, I really liked him. But then he started talking. And talking. And talking. And talking.

  8. That name is horrible!! Poor child. I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. Do they think they’re being cute? You sum it up perfect…Foolish is foolish no matter how famous you are.

    1. What’s sad is that I think that they DO think they’re cute. Whatever. Maybe they are? I just don’t think the kid will think she’s cute if she ever has to testify in court or decides to get married, and she has to hear her name called out like that.

      1. Why not just call her Compass Rose?

        1. I actually kind of like that…..

  9. People are gonna make fun of a kid’s name no matter what their parents name them. That said, I keep hoping this is a joke but,as my son would say, ” it’s just more proof that Kanye is a douche.” Oh, my god. They could have named her “Douche”! Or, even better, “Douchey.”

    1. Not even kidding, one of my friends used to be a nurse in labor and delivery, and once a mom named her baby Meconium. Douche isn’t that bad compared to that, right?

      1. “Douche” is at least French. I will not (no, I really won’t) say what I think about Meconium. No, not gonna do it. Excuse me while I go entertain myself with what I think about Meconium.

  10. It’s the typical celebrity baby name, I think. To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised they came up something as directionally clever. What really sucks about it, in my opinion, is that it’s only punny as a full name. Most days she’ll just be North… Like some obsessive Game of Thrones fan or something. Poor thing.

    1. LOL I know. Or a lame Elijah Wood movie from the 90s.

  11. What a banal name. Seriously, I’d have expected Kumquat or something like that. At least they didn’t steal another of OUR names. I couldn’t believe it when one of those stupid Kardashian sisters gave her kid the same moniker as Miss P. But then again, so did Tina Fey.

    1. I effing love that name. (The P name, not Kumquat.) When I was little I pronounced it so that it kind of sounded like cantaloupe.

  12. Girlfriend, you wrote a better blog post than I could have about it. I thought about my response and I couldn’t have gotten past this:

    Dumb.

    See? It was fodder for you, and a brain fart for me. Although, don’t you think about how, as parents, you go through all of the name combinations and think, “Oh no, we could never put that first name with our last name because it would sound ridiculous.” That’s the number one rule of picking a baby name. Not sounding ridiculous. No first names being the same as the last (ex: Andrew Andrews), no puns, no name stealing from friends’ name list, and no names that would get them beat up. I guess if your parents are that rich and I suppose powerful in a deplorable kind of way, then the kid won’t get beat up.

    Good post, ladycakes!

    1. Thanks, Jells! We decided a thousand years ago what we’d name C if she was a girl. However, we spent waaaaaay more time trying to figure out what we’d name her if she’s been a boy than I ever did performing Kegels. This is important stuff!

  13. Let me just say that I have a mini orgasm whenever people use the word “myriad” correctly in a sentence. You know, even “Myriad” would have been a better name…

    1. This is why you are my people. I think I should put it in my Twitter bio that I know how to use “myriad” correctly.

      1. That would be so hot.

    2. You stole my comment! ;-)

  14. A book about North, Apple & Lorenzo as adults – now that’s something I’d love to read. Hysterical!

    1. Thanks! If I ever run out of things to say, I may have to tackle that one!

  15. Who is the mother?

    1. Kim Kardashian

      1. Thanks – never heard of her!

        1. Bahahaha!

  16. I thought North was just a rumor! I guess I knew the baby’s name before she was born then? Boom! I actually don’t mind North West as much as other names. I hate the name Lourdes, and I hate Phinneaus (Julia Robert’s son) and other names that try to sound posh. Like, please stop.
    Also how can you hate on “Stronger” by Kanye/Daft Punk? Such a good work out song!

    1. Ugh, I think the litmus test should be that if Madonna would name her kid a name, it is too pretentious and horrible (kind of like her fake British accent.) These celebrities are out of control and must be stopped!

      I was obsesssssssed with Daft Punk and “Stronger” in particular when I was in college, so when Kanye got his hands on it and rapped all over it and slowed it down, I was like NOOOOOOOO! It is supposed to be fast! ;D

  17. I had seen the words North West tossed about Twitter for the past couple of days and remained willfully ignorant of why they had suddenly gone viral. Now, I’m no longer ignorant. At least, in that respect. Thanks, Em, for bursting my bubble and reminding me again why I can’t stand either of those two imbeciles and destroying that little bit of bliss I had left.

    1. I apologize. This is the end of the innocence. The good part, though, is that since Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Beyonce, and Snooki have all started breeding, at least there are very few horrible celebrities left to get knocked up any time soon. Glass half full and all.

      1. I’m sure more will surface.

  18. People can be dumb and we must allow them this entitlement. Freedom of expression whatnot. I think naming a child is a pretty big deal and something both you (as parents and/or namers) and they (said kid) have to live with. We all want our kids to grow up to be more special and unique than we are, but let’s not burden them from the get-go. Giving a kid a name like North is just asking to be teased, mocked, and (as we are) written about — they may end up famous, but not for enviable reasons.

    1. Agreed. The best we can do is allow the kid to grow up and be awesome in spite of their parentage. Everyone should get that chance.

  19. Omygoodness. Thank you for informing me of Kanye and Kim’s baby name. I heard something about the name being silly but didn’t pay much attention. Now I see what all the fuss was about. Hilarious. I’m from the north west of England. Maybe they did it as a dedication to me.?

    1. I like to keep up with some of the truly important current events going on in the US, you know. It’s my duty to pass along this critical information.

      1. You say ‘important current events in the US’ but what I want to know is whereabouts in the US do you mean? Are you referring to the NORTH WEST of the US? O yes. I went there.

  20. Key West. It’s obvious…

    1. I think they should have named the baby Seb ;D

  21. Weird name or not, the kid’s going to have a weird childhood, especially if she’s filmed 24/7. It’s sad that even a new precious, innocent life is a media ploy…

    1. WORD. I couldn’t help but notice that the baby was born right around the exact same time that Daddy decided to release his latest album….

  22. Heh. Well I must say I chuckled the first time I heard it. If it was just a ‘normal’ baby like yours or mine, I’d shake my head. But in this case, it’s gonna be a celebrity ride from the very start, whatever the name is. So I doubt it will cause that much stir even a month from now.

  23. Ann @ Such a Mama · · Reply

    Maybe they just wanted her to have some direction in life…

  24. I despise Kanye West. He’s an ass and his wife has a big ass, I said on someone’s facebook stream the other day — haha me! I don’t mind Kim so much. What she’s chosen to do for a living, hey, why not, however obnoxious it may be. But Kanye gets no love from me!

    When you said they want to be hated, it dawned on me that yes, this way Kanye (I hate his name too btw) can continue, in his delusional megalomaniacal fashion, to believe that he’s controversial — bahaha! — and not at all banal, derivative, pretentious, and an avant-garde wanna be — shall I go on? I expected nothing more than a stupid name from this egomaniac. I’m surprised that it wasn’t something even worse!

    Anyways, as you say, God bless that baby and let’s hope that she doesn’t suffer the effects of having narcissistic parents.

  25. North is going to need all the help she can get, its true.
    Great post on an absurd topic.

  26. I like the name, not so much for the name itself but the amount of fodder it has provided for my articles. A gazillion tweets and half a dozen articles later, I’m still not done. I bet it was a dare or something and we all know Kanye is not one to shy away from one.

  27. Aww girl step away from the haterade.
    It will all be ok, and that little girl will be ok too :) Not as good as C, but then again who is?

  28. Fun to catch up on posts I missed while away… even stranger to catch up on “news” I missed. Maybe North can take her mother’s name. North isn’t so bad, but North West… oh my.

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