It’s just a thing I do.

Scary Mommy has a confessional booth where you can anonymously describe something shamefulish that you do or think. There’s something cathartic about telling strangers on the Internet your most politically incorrect thoughts. It’s like yelling into a storm. I should know. I’m a blogger.

The problem for me is that in the years that I’ve been blogging, I’ve shown my face and met quite a few of you. My mom also reads this blog and in theory my daughter may eventually do the same, so I censor myself to an extent.

*Sidenote: I do have a guest post coming up on another blog in the next couple weeks where I will be dropping an f-bomb or nine. So look forward to that, if that’s your kind of thing. Or don’t.

But I do have a bit of a confession to make today. It’s kind of embarrassing to even call it a confession because it’s pretty much the most lightweight thing I could possibly do on the sly, but sometimes it’s more fun to do things sneaky-like and feel like the world is trying to catch you in your act of indiscretion. Or at least that’s what the makers of trenchcoats want you to believe. Everyone who ever wore a trenchcoat was just trying to be a spy, when in actuality they were just a yuppy.

Better keep your documents secure or she will steal 'em all. Source

Better keep your documents secure or she will steal ‘em all and then buy you a pumpkin spice latte. Source

Sometimes I’ll get these McDonald’s giftcards in the mail from Klout and be all “Well, what am I supposed to do with this?” and then stuff them in my wallet and tell myself that if C is ever having a hard day or something, we’ll use them for an ice cream or French fries or other little treat. But that never happens.

Instead, I’ll sneak out by myself on some dubious I-cannot-bring-the-toddler-with-me errand when B comes home from work early on Friday. I usually mutter something about a pap smear or some twenty minute long sale at the hippy clothe diaper store.

Then, I’ll go through the drive-through at McDonald’s and get a hot fudge sundae for $1.19 plus tax. I know exactly how much they cost because that’s my level of efficiency. Then I’ll just sit there in my car and eat it and listen to NPR for like 15 minutes or so. Sometimes I do a crossword puzzle. I’ll drive home, and I’ll trash all the evidence of my midday McDonald’s tryst in the dumpster next to our building because if anyone knew of my secret outing, it wouldn’t be fun at all.

And that’s what I do.

It could be worse.

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70 comments

  1. The awesomest guilty pleasure ever!

    1. I tend to agree. No one gets hurt, and (as of yet) I cannot find any way to get pregnant while doing it.

  2. When mine were wee little people, we lived downtown in Chicago. I would tell B that I needed to get wipes, or milk, or something critical, and I’d waste 30 minutes in Walgreens at Chicago and Michigan. I’d look at magazines, try on make up I’d never wear, or just skulk around the store. There was a whole posse of us moms who used Walgreens… now, I just leave the house. ;-)

    1. This is so awesome because I know the EXACT Walgreens you’re talking about (I think). It was down the way from the Art Institute, right? When I was just married and my husband worked weekends, I frittered away many a Saturday along that strip. Good times.

      1. This is the one further north. At Chicago and Michigan Ave. I think there’s one closer to the AI, but maybe the same. On the corner before Water Tower… my home away from home, for seven very big years! My two eldest were both born at the old Prentiss Women’s hospital… still love Chicago and visit as often as possible.

  3. Way to keep your sanity, Emily. I think I’m off right now, actually, for an “errand.” Maybe I’ll use your idea!

    1. I hope you did it! Dates with ourselves are the best ;D

  4. Oh my God you’re craaaazy!!! lol. It’s fun to have a thing though, right?

    1. I am totally insane, I know. Before you know it I’m gonna be buying name-brand juice instead of the more responsible generic.

  5. “It could be worse.”—Haha, yes, it could be. You go ahead and enjoy your stolen moments guilt free. :)

  6. Oh yeah…mine confessions would be way worse. (Are way worse?) Seeing as I’ve met you in real life though, I promise not to hold your confession against you. Pinkie swear and stuff.

    1. “mine confessions”? Are we German now? Jesus Christ.

      1. HAhahahahaah I thought you were trying to be Shakespearean, and I liked it ;D

        1. Oh…um…yeah, I was totally being Shakespearean…that’s what that was…

    2. We should get together again soon so I can let you in on some of my REAL secrets. *Smiles sneakily.*

      1. Your secrets are always so much more fun than mine. Mine are just…dirty. Yours are fun.

    1. I certainly think so!

  7. Hilarious…and smart. Sometimes when I’m making my kid’s lunch for school in the morning, I steal a teddy graham or two..or a goldfish..or just whatever. I know it’s wrong, but grown up snacks are so boring!

    1. My husband eats my daughter’s organic Big Bird snack bars constantly, so he could certainly empathize ;D

  8. You know those sundaes are really a gateway drug. This time next year, it’ll be full-on Shamrock Shake addiction.

    1. No! No! Don’t say it!

  9. haha — love it! we won’t judge you em — i hope you feel better getting it off your chest ;)

    1. I really do. It’s good to have full disclosure with someone, even if it’s the people in the computer box.

  10. Bravo. Any confession concerning ice cream is all right in my book.
    Seriously looking forward to those f-bombs, btw. Srsly.

    1. I am excited to drop them! They have been a long time coming but I think I’m ready to lose my cussing virginity in the blogosphere. (All of a sudden I feel like post-Baby One More Time Britney.)

      1. Minus the red latex suit, I hope.

  11. I warmed up the last two chocolate chip cookies and then put vanilla ice cream on top while my sons were napping and my husband was at work around 1 in the afternoon today. You snooze (or work), you lose, I guess. ;)

    1. Agreed. Ice cream and cookies taste better when you don’t have to share them.

  12. I don’t know if I can believe you… How can anyone go to McDonald’s and not get fries????? ;-)

    1. That is a very valid point. I guess that’s another post for another day.

  13. Now I’m all sad. You didn’t drop any f-bombs in the guest post you did on my blog. *sobs*

    1. That’s because the baby wrote the post for your blog. I had to clean up her mouth or I’d look like a bad parent.

      1. Twindaddy · · Reply

        Oh, yeah. Well come back and drop f-bombs on my blog!!

  14. Ha ha. Good one. I sneak candy for myself all the time. :)

    1. Candy for sanity. It’s a thing.

  15. I ALWAYS hide my wrappers in our trash cans outside. You’re in good company, dear.

    1. We have to cover our behinds, right? I mean, what would my husband think if he saw that I put that stuff in my body?!

  16. So…when are you going to describe the bad thing? ;)

    1. You start with the little things and then move up to the bigger ones.

  17. I do this too! Except I am lazy about the garbage, so I always get caught. My addiction is A&W mama burgers though. Salty. And quiet time listening to CBC. I am addicted to quiet time.

    1. I’m having a quiet time right now. The baby just randomly passed out, and even though this late afternoon nap is going to screw with her bedtime, I know better than to question it.

  18. Please provide or make a link for the blog you should run that your family doesn’t know about and email some of us privately where to find the real you who doesn’t care about whether or not you get published big-time.

    Bring in on, Mrs. Em…

    (Sorry, I’m just finishing up my second John Irving novel and am feeling a bit edgy)

    1. That blog may or may not exist. Email me and I may or may not send you the URL ;D

      1. Tee hee, ho ho! The more I write, the more I realize a writer MUST have a bone yard for stuff that would otherwise derail a perfectly solid work. Or career.

  19. The secret errands we come up with lol

    1. I am really good at running out of dish soap at inopportune times.

  20. Man, I would kill for a McD hot fudge sundae. They don’t sell them here. Sob.

    1. Really?! I don’t remember them tasting as good as they do now when I was a kid. They are basically crack.

      1. There’s a cinnamon yummy thing the bakery only makes on weekends that is my current crack. Gimme, gimme!

  21. I love that! What a nice way to get in some very important me time!!

    1. I agree! Me time is essential to my sanity.

  22. It actually sounds like a great way to get a breather. When it comes to secret pleasures, I hide food from the pack of wolves I live with, so that will be a cookie or two or ice cream left when I finally get around to relaxing. Fortunately if anything is directly in front of my cookies or ice cream, my family is physically incapable of finding it, like most things in the house.

    1. I remember being a teenager and finding my mom’s stash of sweets in her house. I knew better than to dig in though because knowing her, there was probably a CCTV camera pointed directly on that spot.

  23. Man, those scary mommy confessions help me feel sane and normal. No shame in your McD’s treat! Could definitely be worse!

    1. That’s what I keep telling myself. It’s definitely not the healthiest treat, but every so often I think it’s alright. And I’m not actually even spending money, so all is well.

  24. My never-to-be-shared-private-guilty-indulgence is a Happy Endings Sundae at Friendly’s Ice Cream restaurants. The rule is the visit must be by myself, a secret from Everett and everyone else, and I can’t eat anything except the sundae (no lunch!). Oh, and I MUST pay with CASH! I almost plotzed one time when Everett suggested we stop at a Friendly’s together for lunch – how COULD I?!?! It would totally ruin my secret life. I averted disaster by manipulating the lunch to Subway ’cause it was healthier. Did you guys think this type of thing ended when the kids grew up?!?!?!

    1. Oh my gosh, I LOVE that you pay cash! I think that it is so important not to leave a paper trail when we go on our secret missions. That’s why my Klout McDonalds gift cards play such a crucial role in my midday excursions. Pay with cash! Destroy the evidence!

  25. That sounds beyond awesome.

    1. It’s a bright spot in my pretty mellow life.

  26. You go sister!

  27. I use to eat donuts in my car so my sister wouldn’t find out. Why would I care what she thought?

    Do you get nuts on your sundae? Damn I want ice cream now.

  28. and if my DH ever caught me with a Bag of McD he would take me to the doctors for I have gone officially mad.. haha.

  29. I totally snuck to McD’s twice last month for the filet o’ fish combo and I ate it while listening to NPR and looking at Pinterest on my phone. Hello, friend!

  30. Wow Emily. That’s… I…. Um. I feel differently about you now.

  31. […] herself extremely well – so well, in fact, that I even invited her to McDonalds with me to share my sundae afterward. Part of the reason why we had such a great time that day was because we met a new […]

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