Considering C

Now more than ever, I find myself questioning many of the things that I thought I knew about myself. Going back to work has been a catalyst for self-examination and recalibration, and while I love channeling my energy into work and professional endeavors and figuring out who Emily the Mom/Employee is, nearly every day I miss those not-too-far-away days that I spent all my time with C. Those days were hard, but they required far less of a balancing act than my life does now. I’m not a natural multitasker and prefer to throw myself 100% into one activity.

And, you know, parenting is *really* good for when you want to give yourself over to one all-encompassing chore.

That and watching cartoons. Not gonna lie, I miss watching Peep and the Big Wide World so much.

My role in life is changing. Nothing makes me feel more like a grownup than having a job outside the home AND being a parent. There are just so many parties to please. I’m trying to find that work/life balance, and as you might collect by the fact that I rarely blog at all anymore, I’m having a hard time with it. It’s so much trickier than I could have anticipated to just carve out time for myself. And when I do manage to clear my schedule for that elusive “Me Time”, I usually just default to my phone and scroll mindlessly through Facebook.

My mind wanders to everything else I could should be doing at that exact second.

It’s often very difficult to just be present and content with Life in the exact moments that we find it. 

When I work, I work.

When I don’t work, I parent.

This leave 7.5 extra hours in the day, and during that time, I sleep.

But one thing that has remained the same throughout all the transitions I’m going through right now is my daughter’s effortless persistence to jolt me into those moments of pure wakefulness and attentiveness. Over the past month or so, she’s quietly become a little girl and has left a handful of her babyish tendencies behind. She sings songs, sits quietly in church (knock on wood), creates elaborate games, and has started asking for what she wants and needs with complete sentences.

Now, I cannot rely on the broad stretches of time I had when I was home with her to inform my impressions of her. Instead, I have a few hours a day to consider my C. What glimpses of peace and knowing I enjoy are almost always the moments when I discipline my mind to just shut the cacophony that surrounds it out and crawl inside her own little world.

It’s amazing all you can learn from a two-and-a-half-year-old girl.

considering c

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20 comments

  1. A-tothe-men! So very very true.

  2. All so true! Its a struggle to find the balance no matter what, But there’s beauty in the journey and it sounds like you’re finding it. ☺

  3. I so empathise with this. My twins are 3 and while work can sometimes be more relaxing that being at home, I do know I’m missing so much. I’m lucky that my husband has taken time out of work to look after them, but it still feels like a balancing act all the time….

  4. I can relate so much! Hard to strike that balance and your last few lines really said it all.

  5. One of my friends talked about balance – but instead of balance she spoke about harmony – which made a lot of sense. You never stop being a parent, even at work…but if you’re lucky you get to stop work, once you’re home. I don’t think the scales will ever balance, but you might feel peace-of-mind. And you’ll find time to write more again. Time -

  6. Your C must stand for Cute!

  7. Teresa P. · · Reply

    You are a wonderful. Love ya. Mom

  8. Just love. That is all.

  9. I see that C is becoming quite the little photojournalist. :) I am also finding that motherhood plus work plus self is a tricky balance beam…I did a staycation this week and was able to get some writing in which felt great, now that I head back to work, I hope I can keep a little bit of it in my life…I guess all we can do is try and if we fall off, (to keep with gymnast analogy) we just have to get back up there again…Bravo to you :)

  10. Omg, Mrs. Em, I have been remiss in keeping up, going through my own earth-shattering life changes the past several months. I cannot believe how BIG Miss C has gotten, she’s so beautiful! And I am so happy for your big change, congrats on the job! Yes, it’s good to be a working mom. Or, better yet and aptly prioritizing, a Mom working. Missed ya!

  11. C is such a cutie!!

  12. She looks so grown up!

  13. Em, it must be an adjustment but I have a feeling you’re accomplishing much in both your professional and your “mommy” life with your undeniable flair. C just gets more beautiful every day. What a knockout! And I agree, children teach us the most valuable lessons and ones that we tend to forget. Always nice to read you. ;)

  14. I love kids, but honestly, I do not have the courage. Yes, I am a wimp. But I have a beautiful niece! And most of our talks are all about her trying to do with the balancing act. Hats off you MOMS!! :)

  15. P.S. And, I wish, I could write as effortlessly as you do. :)

  16. Hey Emily hope u are well and I’m glad u are enjoying working agsin we are in ct and will be here for the next year- your blog makes me smile – debbie

  17. I think I can hear Mr. Miagi in the background: “Balance, Daniel-San; BONZAI!” ;)

    It is hard, I know. I’m still struggling with it after 4 years.

  18. Back in the day when I had my daughter, maternity leave here in Canada was a whole 13 weeks & since she was 9 days overdue I had a lot less time to spend with my daughter at home than I would have liked. I was a single parent so there was no choice & I just did what I had to do.

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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