A Plea To Young Parents

I am knee-deep in presents today. I’m laying them all out nice and neatly under our Festivus pole for the big exchange on Friday. So today my practically-Aunt Ellen (she’s actually besfrinn Cameron’s aunt but who’s splitting hairs?) is here to entertain you with a little holiday PSA. Enjoy and I’ll see you Friday! -Emily

Once again it is the festive time of the year. There will be conviviality. There will be good cheer. For the health and well-being not only of yourselves, the parents, but for the safety of your young ones—Please Do Not Drink and Drive. The consequences of doing so could be severe and everlasting.

I myself have followed this wise maxim for years. It is only recently, however, that I have discovered an excellent unintended consequence of a strict adherence to this regime. My children are older now, and they often have to be ferried to and from various events at later and later times of day—or I suppose I should say night. And guess what? I don’t have to do said ferrying because I don’t drink and drive.

Herewith I offer for your delectation some real life examples. Quaff your preferred alcoholic beverage as you peruse.

Situation #1

Time: sometime after 6 pm

Son: Mom, may I spend the night with Andrew?

Mom: Sure! His mom will have to pick you up, though. I’ve had a glass of wine, and Daddy isn’t home yet.

Son: OK.

This exchange exemplifies with laser-like precision how this premise operates in the field.

Situation #2

Time: sometime after 6 pm

Daughter: Mommy, will you take me and Zoe (sic) to the store for ice cream?

Mommy: Nope. I just got through having a glass of wine with dinner. Maybe tomorrow.

Daughter: Rats! Okaay…

This episode earns double points as  children were saved from their unhealthy snack urges!

Situation #3

Time: Approximately 6 pm

Mom: Son, what time will the wrestling match end?

Son: I dunno. Around 8.45 or 9 pm, I am guessing.

Mom: Well, you’ll need to find your own ride home unless you want to wait for Daddy to get out of his meeting. I’ll be putting your sister to bed, and I know I will be having a glass of wine then.

Score triple points for this encounter. Maternal bedtime duties remain sacrosanct while affording an adolescent the opportunity to take responsibility for his own life!

Free at last! Free at last! After all those long years of mommy taxi duties, I am free at last!

I promise this approach can work for you too. It will not be effective, however, to suddenly develop this good driving habit when your child reaches the cynical age of 9 or 10. No. It must be drilled into him from a very early age that Mommy (Sorry, dads. You’re on your own) does not drink and drive. This way your calm statement that you cannot drive them to or fro will be accepted as calmly as it was stated. For so many reasons, I urge you now not to drink and drive.

***

About Ellen: Ellen is a total bookworm and bibliophile completing her first semester of library school in the great state of North Carolina. If you live in or near NC, please check out the North Carolina Literary Map which has all kinds of links and info all about the literary life of the state. For those of you wondering whether you can trust the advice she offers in this blog post, it is based on 21 years and counting in the trenches!

The Other Side: Notes on the Sixth Month

Six months and one day ago, I was still a pregnant lady who could (in theory) sleep as late as I wanted, go to bed when I wanted, take a shower in complete privacy, watch every single episode of Arrested Development in one sitting on a whim, and get more done in one day than I can often get done in the space of one week these days. And do you know what? My life is about a bajillion times better now. This little girl has made me sing for my supper, but it turns out that when you have to work – really work – you feel pretty dang amazing at the end of the day. She has taught me to appreciate the tiniest little things in life as miracles. I can so see now why new parents constantly feel like their babies are geniuses. When you see a child grow from being a tiny sack of crying sugar in their first days to actually being able to move around on their bellies, you know that it’s a big freaking deal.  She highlights every moment – even if she’s screaming – as the most special time I can imagine simply because she exists.

She’s pretty much the most adorable child in the history of the world.

Teeth have been happening. Last night, Miss C was gnawing on B’s finger when he let out an “ouch!” and followed it with a “no I mean really. OUCH.” I scurried over to pry open her mouth, and there I found a tiny white dot on her lower jaw. I squealed with delight at the prospect of my growing baby sprouting teeth and she was terrified at my squeal and promptly wept as if the news that Elmo had just been hit by a bus was trending. I have got to learn to keep the volume down.

Also, solid food is happening. FYI, “solid foods” is such a misnomer. There is nothing solid about cold pureed squash. So let’s just call it “human food.” She has been eating rice cereal for dinner for the past three weeks, and last week we started her on human food at lunch too. So far she has tried squash and avocado, both of which she likes. Not overwhelmingly so, but she has yet to reject the food, and I’ll take that.

She played, then she passed out. Extra points if you can spot the baby.

Her naps are becoming more consistent, although I know that now that I’ve said that she will likely go on strike and refuse to sleep for a week. It finally dawned on me that when she doesn’t nap well, it’s because she’s either 1, teething or 2, going through a growth spurt. I am so dense sometimes that it kills me. I console myself with the thought that I lit-rally have no idea what I’m doing as a parent and that I don’t have any family in town to help me. The learning curve is steep, but I’m not going to throw in the towel just yet on learning to be a parent whilst she learns to be a human.

She keeps a-rolling and a-rolling but hasn’t yet sat up completely unassisted yet. Interestingly, though, she has skipped ahead to what I like to call “pre-crawling.” On her stomach, she moves her legs and arms back and forth like she’s swimming and she gets super frustrated when she doesn’t go anywhere. It won’t be long, and she can take her sweet time as far as I’m concerned because I’m not ready to babyproof the apartment just yet. I’ve gotta finish making her Halloween costume. Priorities: I’ve got ‘em.

On the move

The more she does, the harder it is for me to re-calibrate my own life. Luckily, I’m finding it easier and easier to just give up control for five minutes and hand her off to B on the weekends and ask him for help when I need it. We got in a rut for awhile when I felt bad asking him for help and he didn’t really offer it because he thought I had everything under control because I never asked for help. But I’m getting more comfortable requesting assistance and resisting the urge to tell him he’s doing something “wrong” when he bathes her or feeds her. Of course, they get along famously. He can make her laugh in ways that I simply can’t. And he’s much, much better at coming up with new and interesting ways to entertain her, likely because he’s not here with her 80% of the time so he sees her with fresh eyes. I don’t know what I’d do without him. Actually, I do know: I’d be a crappy mom.

I know I’m biased but dear lawd my baby is beautiful.

So the sixth month. Happy half birthday to my precious Miss C! The love I have for her is just more than I can describe in a blog post. My life now is admittedly a lot harder than the one I had six months and one day ago, but I wouldn’t change it for all the tea in China. Or England. Or India. Or wherever they have good tea. She’s about 43,827,543,956 times better, easily.

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Hate Photo Shoots

Remember a few months back when I shared a picture from Miss C’s photo shoot in Memphis? Today I’m handing over the reins to the lady who made that happen – my friend Melissa! You’re in for a treat. Enjoy! -Emily

Hello to all of Emily’s wonderful readers! I feel like I know so many of you from the comments section, so I know that a lot of you have kids. Emily asked me to guest-blog today about the kid-related topic nearest and dearest to my heart: the family photo shoot. Whether those words give you post-traumatic flashbacks or make you say “aww,” it’s hard to discount the power of a great snapshot of the happy moments in your life. I’ve been photographing families for almost four years now, and I’ve picked up a few tricks for ensuring that I never take a shot that ends up on Awkward Family Photos.

My own earliest photo shoot memories are of my mom desperately begging my brother to sit still for a “decent” Christmas card photo, because everyone else in the park was staring. As her desperation grew, his incentive to act like a wild hyena only increased. Year after year this happened until I finally stopped agreeing to participate.*

* He was 19 at the time, and I was in grad school. At that late age, we probably both shouldn’t have been acting out.

So where did we go wrong? Photo shoots are about energy—everyone feeds off each other. So if Mom and Dad are worried that the kids are misbehaving, that they’re embarrassing themselves in front of the nice photographer, or that they’re not making the “good” cheese face, the kids are going to get grumpier and grumpier. There are many expressions that lead to fantastic, moving photos, but “stonefaced death glare” is rarely one of them. Which brings us to…
The Number One Rule of Surviving Photography with Kids

We didn’t plan on running around in a spray park, but this little guy couldn’t have been happier about it.

Unless it’s a safety issue, there are no rules.

Photo shoots are pretty much a discipline-free zone, unless someone is contemplating doing something like hurling rocks at their little sister’s head. Don’t worry about the kids getting out of control and running amok—that’s often when they make the expressions that are most “them.” Kids can blow bubbles in my face, chase me from here to kingdom come, pull my hair, spray me with a water fountain, or tell me to lie in a pool of mud. My motto: “If I don’t come home filthy, I didn’t work hard enough!” On a related note:

It Is Okay if Your Kid Pees on Me. Really.*
If your heart is set on the classic naked-baby pose, some pee (or its smellier cousin) is probably going to make an appearance, and it’s probably going to get on either my hands or some of my blankets. This is not a big deal. I was going to wash them anyway.

* Preferably, we’re talking infants on this one and not 9-year-olds. If a 9-year-old is making like a Calvin decal during the photo shoot, we’ve really gone off the rails.

Shoots often go better if there’s something to do other than just sit and smile. Go for a ride, visit a fair, eat some ice cream.

Drive Them to Distraction

As anyone who’s ever watched the proverbial birdie knows, distraction is key. Ideally, a family is so busy interacting with me, and with each other, that they forget all about that bulky contraption in my hand. Especially if you have very young kids, it’s good to come armed with some favorite toys so I can catch their wandering eyes. Horrible singing also is generally good for a laugh. My best weapon to date, though, has been the chase scene. I have yet to meet a kid who was unwilling to chase me for 10 solid minutes, and who didn’t loosen up and laugh while doing so.

Yes, You Have to Be in Some Photos.
I think this is one of the most important things I can convey, and if I know my subjects well enough, I will push them around about it. iPhone cameras are fantastic for capturing everyday life, but my guess is that you’re in about 1% of those photos. Your hard work, your overwhelming love, your joy at being a parent…that’s something that deserves to be preserved.

The older I get, the more I realize how fleeting life is (not to mention youthful skin!). I know you’re tired, you’ve been doing 3 a.m. feedings for what seems like forever, and you feel like you’ve seen better days. I can’t guarantee that on the day of your photo shoot, you’ll look the best you ever have in your life, but I can promise you a couple of things: you will never be any younger than you are today, and you will look back on this time with your children as something so precious. Take photos with your kids. If only so they can look back on them in 20 years and ask, “OK, Mom, WHAT are you wearing?!”

Parents—give yourselves points for being awesome! In 15 years you can say, “See what we did for you?”

Melissa’s Bio: Melissa is based in Memphis, Tennessee. You can follow her photos at www.melissamcmasters.com

Emily’s Bio of Melissa: Melissa is awesomesauce. She’s as good (if not better) a friend as she is a photographer, and that’s saying something. Love you, Friend. 

 

The Things You Miss

Sometimes I fear that this space is becoming a shrine to the places where I am not. When I’m not decrying Fayetteville, I’m planning for the Bebe and all that she’ll bring to my future. There’s nobility to that. Expectation, longing, and love. How could you resist meditating on a blessing, albeit mysterious and possibly volatile? (Note: it’s the year of the dragon. I’m going to have a dragon baby.)

When my focus isn’t on the future, it’s on the past. Again, not a bad thing. I’ve lived in wonderful – dare I say *magical* – places, and quite honestly they make for good posts. I haven’t told you very much about my life in Chicago, but it was a very fulfilling time just by virtue of the fact that it was a bona fide Big City and I was a truly naive girl when I lived there. That combination always yields painful, awkward fun.

So I said that I fear the in-between place. The waiting. (Hey, that’s the name of the blog!) I guess “fear” is a heavy word to apply here. I’m really just simply making an observation I haven’t made before and it doesn’t entirely flatter the person who I see myself as. I want to be moving forward. Literally moving, with locomotion. I suppose my pregnancy requires me to be relatively still just for a time.

But sometimes the past is just so chock-full of wonderful things that I can’t help but relish them and pretend they’re still on my daily agenda. Which brings us to the topic of today:

Cafes in Korea.

Cafe Street; Jukjeon, S. Korea

There is a street in Bundang that we often felt existed simply for our happiness. In our town (Jukjeon) alongside the canals and streams that inevitably flood every summer when the rains come, there is situated a cosmopolitan pedestrian street lined with cafes and boutiques offering up refreshments to the predominantly youngish patrons of the town and surrounding areas. The businesses came and went pretty frequently since apparently the operation of a small business has not been completely nailed down in Korea as of yet, but the majority of the good cafes thrived throughout the two years that we spent in Jukjeon.

The first restaurant on Euro Row/ Cafe Street – whatever you want to call it – that we discovered was aptly titled I’m Home.  Yes, we were. They had sandwiches. And they were good. Like, really good, despite the fact that none ever exhibited a great quantity of cheese, the one element I previously thought would have to be present in generous quantities to make any sandwich decent. My hypothesis on the absence of cheese on an I’m Home sandwich is that it would drag the cost up too high. Twenty-something Koreans on dates and foreigners in search of a meal from the Homeland would pay top dollar for a lot of things, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Bacon and shrimp sandwich from I'm Home

Inside I'm Home

During our first months in Korea, we ate more of these sandwiches than you could count, partially because our kitchen at home was unequipped to prepare any sort of meal worth eating. We were limited to a dorm-sized fridge, very little counter space, and two stove burners. We’d get off work at the end of the day and just walk across the street to I’m Home and get sandwiches.

At the beginning, we often felt like we were doing the staff a favor by ordering them so often, not only because we were giving them business but also because we were providing them practice in assembling the decidedly non-Korean fare. The first time we ever went there, it took them no less than 35 minutes to get the sandwiches out to us, but by the end of our time in Korea, they had brought it down to 10 minutes. Little did we know that their sluggishness had nothing to do with supposed ineptness. This street was erected to the pastime of staring into your beloved’s eyes and buying her mass quantities of food that she very well may not eat but expects nonetheless as a sign of your devotion. The waffles, the cakes, the coffees, and the sandwiches were props in a romance. We were the ones who needed to slow down.

Many teachers say that it’s their constant interaction with children that makes them less likely to want to have their own. It’s the perfect birth control. But being in Korea with B only intensified my desire to have our own kids. B doesn’t remember it, but it was in I’m Home one Sunday afternoon that on a supreme kid-high he told me that we should start trying that day. Our students were perfect in their own little ways, and at the end of the day when we went in search of food on Cafe Street, smaller ones were always everywhere. They would be doing the things you imagine small kids  do in a staged version of childhood: chasing insects, hopping around on hobby horses (I have no idea where they got them), squealing, eating candy. Despite seeming so fabricated, you couldn’t help but believe in its authenticity because the actors were too small to feign glee.

In Korea, there’s a lot of carryover between cutesie romantic date paraphernalia and the things that appeal to a four-year-old. Waffles. Ice cream. Rabbits. Photo shoots. In the hours that we spent at those establishments, we conflated the surreal, orchestrated surroundings with our need for a baby. However artificial and other that experience seems now, I still trust the impression of childhood it left me with.

Stroller parking and a rabbit outside the now-defunct Mr. Panny

You go for the food because you have no other choice. You order a coffee at the end of your meal because you’re in Caffeinated Korea.

And you’re amazed.

And you’ll pay what they ask you.

Cafe Moi

Cafe Street was date central and the quality of the coffee we had there set the bar for what we now know as coffee nirvana. I wonder if there was a correlation. In a sea of hack purveyors suck such as Holly’s, Tomo Tome, and Dunkin, you occasionally come across these little cafes that are doing things absolutely, perfectly right.

Enter Cafe Moi.

It was located on a side street adjacent to the building where we worked. Cafe Moi was owned and operated by Joanne and Ryan, a sweet Korean couple who for some reason came to love us and treat us as their own. They struggled with their English and asked if we would tutor them. Since getting paid to tutor them wasn’t worth risking our visas over, we agreed to meet with them several times a week and just converse socially in English over coffee. They showed us their love through their coffee and by including us in their lives.

Ryan taught classes on the correct way to perform the hand-drip coffee method. Like, series of classes. This stuff is serious, as it should be. It’s not about dumping some water over the beans. Get what those beans can yield by just doing it correctly. We rarely ever brew coffee in a pot anymore. Instead, B and I primarily use our hand drip. It makes all the difference.

From what we could collect, Ryan (and occasionally Joanne) flew to various coffee locales around the world shopping for the best beans and then roasting them in their gorgeously airy cafe. Their employees fussed with the machine as much as they fussed over us when we dropped in for a panini and an iced coffee during the summers. We insisted on paying. They insisted against it harder.

Goliath coffee roaster at Cafe Moi

Cafe Moi played the coffee game right. They offered fantastic pastries (and, of course, waffles) but it was their coffee and the chance to hang out with their little boy, Eugene, that we kept coming back for.

There are so many other nooks on Cafe Street that I pine after.

Parc de 607, LikEat, Cafe Asome, Havana.

My memories of the places are hazy, like Korea. I was tired either because of lack of rest during the week or too much on the weekends, so it was in this state that I floated down the streets, drank coffee, and stared blissfully back at my own beloved.

Happy.