Tag Archives: job hunt

Ruts

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I’m in a rut, but it’s the kind of rut that comes about not from mundane habit but from new stimuli. The last couple weeks have decimated any routine I was on with C and we’re starting to feel the brunt of it. Sometimes I forget what a finely-tuned clock a baby is until a grain of sand is introduced into her workings. B was on Spring Break last week so we went to Charlotte to visit Kendra and Chris at their house. We had a lot of fun and she was able to get all her naps (C, not Kendra. LOL) but all the driving and new surroundings kind of threw her for a loop. A couple days after we got back, my mom and Aunt Pam came to visit us because they were on their Spring Breaks. Again, a lot of fun and great face time. C was in the middle of her stranger danger phase the last time we saw them and now that it’s passed, she enjoyed her time with them. But she was tedious and grumpy a lot of the time too. I couldn’t relax when we all went for brunch on Sunday because I was nervous she’d lose her composure at any moment.

She’s been taking more and more steps lately as well as communicating her needs to us through signs and body language. All these new milestones are jarring for her as well as for me because once again I have to recalibrate the motions of our day. Plus, the added frustration when she can’t express what she wants tends to be intense.

Let me also go on the record as saying that Daylight Saving Time is the biggest load of crap. I really do not get it at all. C is handling the change pretty well but I cannot get used to putting her to bed at night when the sun is shining in her face. It kind of takes away the credence of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”

So ruts.

We will be spending another year in our town because B did not find a job elsewhere. We both did an incredible amount of work to apply to many, many jobs for him, but it was all for naught. I am not as upset as I was a few weeks ago when it was evident that he would not hear back from any of the jobs he applied to, but it still stinks. I will stay upbeat for C, though, because she doesn’t need to know that I’m upset about something as inconsequential as geography when she’s enduring growth milestones that really are frustrating. At least I can express myself and walk with ease.

I wrote last summer about starting the freelance journey but it’s no surprise (to me at least) that I am just now getting around to figuring out how to write for money. Hang around me long enough and you’ll notice that whenever I have a big ol’ plan it often takes me years to actually implement it. So yeah, I’ve been trying to figure out where to begin and I often get overwhelmed because there’s so much grunt work to do. B’s job hunt has temporarily soured me on putting a tremendous amount of work and time into a project that will likely reap no benefits in the foreseeable future. I’m just being honest here. I’d like to have one small sure thing just to break up the monotony. I know full well that the work I put in won’t actually be for nothing, because I’m also a firm believer that there are no mistakes in the trajectory of life. All those rejections and false leads make you who you are and can be a boon if you chose to learn from them.

I guess I’m just tired of learning right now.

I feel like my blog is suffering too. Last night I tried writing a post I had had brewing in my mind for awhile. The kind of post that is structured and has a point beyond catharsis. Unlike this one, for instance. But it just wasn’t coming. I don’t know who I was trying to channel when I wrote it because the words I wrote didn’t sound like me or anyone else for that matter. Hrumph. I also haven’t been reading as much which I apologize for if I’ve been neglecting your blog. Lately it just seems like a lot of work. Again, just honesty. And believe me, it’s really not you, it’s me.

So hang in there with me. This post seems to be over now because C is waking from her nap twenty minutes early.

Duty calls.

And likely, doodie too. Jokes.

 

Grapes, Balls, Colds, and Love

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I just had one of those moments. One of those moments that I really, really need these days.

First, some background. I have not been sleeping well. I think the last time I slept all the way through the night without waking was about three weeks ago. Let that sink in a sec: my baby is sleeping better than I am. I guess that’s a good problem to have, but the problems and worries that are keeping me up almost cancel them out. B’s job hunt continues. We thought we had some leads, but they ended up being for naught. We are now about a month and a half away from having to re-sign another contract with his school, and I’m beginning to think that in that period of time he is not going to find another, better job. It makes me so frustrated to think that all the work we’ve both been putting into his applications isn’t going to pan out. It also makes me frustrated to think we likely have another entire year left here. I am impatient. I want to get a move on on this hypothetical life that I’ve imagined for us.

We were all sick today. This is C’s first real cold, and even though she’s handling it with a lot of grace, the fact that B and I don’t feel well makes it hard. Our apartment has been a disaster all day. All I did was pick up after the both of them. Since I praise B so much here I think I am allowed to say today that he is sometimes kind of infuriating to live with. He really doesn’t have the picking-up-after-himself skill set. I asked him yesterday if he could kindly show a little initiative and unload the dishwasher if it’s done running, to which he replied that all I had to do was ask and he would do it. I hate being a taskmaster. It’s such a cliche, but there’s a lot of truth to the statement that the sexiest thing a guy can do is perform some household chores without being asked.

So we’re sick. We’re run down. I’m resigning myself to another year here. I am not looking forward to taking C’s bassinet to Babies ‘R Us tomorrow and trading it in for a discount on a big kid carseat*. I don’t care if she slept *maybe* a total of 10 hours in that thing. It still makes me weepy. We already packed her infant swing away this week. This is more than one mama can handle in the span of a week.

*Which, BTW, never happened.

But then – BUT THEN – she makes me put it all in perspective. I’m sitting on the floor with her and we’re practicing rolling a ball back and forth to each other. That’s it. That’s the story. We’re rolling a ball. It’s meaningful to me that my girl can do this. I roll the ball to her and she gets giddy to grab it and push it back to me.

A few days ago C and I were Skyping with B’s cousin who lives and teaches in Korea. He and his girlfriend at the time moved there when we still had about eight months left in our contracts. B’s cousin doesn’t have kids and really doesn’t want them, but he’s interested in the whole transformation of a person into a parent. He was telling me about his friend who had a kid and was freaking out when the baby ate a grape. The baby ate a grape. And our baby rolled a ball. Woo woo.

The thing is, only two years ago this child didn’t even exist. Now she exists and rolls balls. And gets colds. And evidently wakes up at 1:30AM to talk to her nightlight? They are tight.

So when she eats a grape, you had better be sure I’ll freak out in a good way. That little grape grew on a vine to nourish my little grape, which is all oddly reassuring to yours truly, The Worrier.

I’m not freaking out this time.

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When I started writing here, I called this space The Waiting because I was waiting on C to be born and also because Tom Petty is awesome and I wish I were related to him.* But then she was born and I realized that waiting is kind of a big thing in my life, as it probably is for everyone.

*One time I was listening to Terry Gross and she was interviewing him about his early life in Florida. He apparently lived in a university town so she asked him if and how that influenced him, to which he replied, “Um, we weren’t affiliated with the college. At all.” And that is why I love him.

Waiting is mashed in with my minor obsession with time. For pretty much my whole life, I have felt like I was entitled to the accomplishments that a certain age would bring me. If I only waited so long, I would get married. I would get to live in a house that I own. I would achieve a certain level of success in whatever professional field I entered. I would get to be a parent. If I didn’t hit those marks, I was supposed to worry them into occurring. That was my default response. I am an expert worrier in that I tackle it with the professionalism that I lack in all other aspects of my life. Worrying will bring into existence all that I lack, or so I thought.

So I hit the getting married thing pretty earlier when I married B when I was 24 and he was 23. I hit the baby milestone too so I will never have to worry about my ability to conceive again. It seemed like I hit the professional thing when I got my first real job out of school, but then I quit when it was horrible and I haven’t had a “real” job since (even though I loved working at a restaurant and then teaching in Korea, those don’t count as serious professions for me because I could not do them for the rest of my life without petering out or getting bored.) The personal life things have happened but the professional stuff and the other things that I have filed under “GROWING UP ETC.” in the file cabinet of my mind have never been all that satisfying. And so I have worried.

I’ve been worrying about B’s job search for awhile now. We’re still plugging away, applying applying applying. I don’t want to say too much else because I’m afraid I’ll jinx it. But at some point (I think it was about two weeks ago) I just relaxed. I don’t really know what did it, but all of a sudden I was able to sleep through the night. I had been telling myself all along that things would be alright, and in the space of I week I actually started believing it and realizing the truth of it. That we are not failures. That we will never be homeless. That we’d survive if we had to through the worst, worst case situation I can fabricate in my mind. Things are never as bad as they seem.

At first, it was disconcerting not worrying. I felt like my mind was broken and that I wasn’t approaching things with the seriousness they deserve. Surely B wouldn’t get a call back from the jobs we really like if I was sleeping soundly. LOGIC. But in the past few days I’ve given myself a pass. I am entitled to not stress myself out over these things. I’m realizing that the trajectory of my life is not always in my hands and that sometimes I just have to trust that I just need to wait it out. There is no shame in waiting. There is no shame in being safe and content. If we don’t get what we want to do this year, then we will try again next year. We all love each other so the world can’t harm us.

Right now, I am complacently waiting. I am gently reminding myself that worrying does not bring changes about. It only makes me not sleep and stuff my face with carbs past 9PM. Which is kind of fun at the time but this baby weight is burning a hole in my pocket.

Thanks to everyone who has been thinking about us through all this. I have no doubt in my mind that my replenished, more healthful mindset is due to your positive thoughts and prayers.

Cover letters are also not so fun.

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B’s job hunt continues. This basically means two things: 1, that I am not sleeping so well but the time I spend awake in bed at night is spent in prayer, which it probably should be all the time, even when things are going splendidly. Praying, meditating, and focusing on all that I already have is the one thing that is getting me through this job flux and the possibility of our moving. It centers me and makes me realize that things I’m not even privy to are at work. There’s a lot of comfort in the big picture.

The #2 in my itemized list of life minutiae is that I’m helping him with all his job applications. And there are a lot. A whole lot. Like, a three digit lot. When he’s at work, I am getting all his materials together, making sure all the forms are filled out correctly, double-checking cover letters, and emailing contacts to see if they know of any openings in their area. It is tedious with a capital T. Luckily, Wee Cee has been really mellow the last few days and she has been able to entertain herself while I’m sorting all this out, which is a tremendous help. She’s pretty much the best baby ever.

Sidenote: I actually have been able to comprise a small list of New Years Resolutions. One of them is to retire the “____ is pretty much the _____ _____ ever” construction. So that is the last time you’ll hear it from me. You’re welcome.

Cover letters are not fun. They are the birthplaces of words like “synergy” and “best practices.” I don’t appreciate their dryness and all the pressure they put on you to make yourself look like a superstar when those truths should just be self-evident without you having to write about them. But whatevs. I’m sucking it up.

It’s because of all this extra work that I haven’t yet responded to your comments from my post yesterday. Honestly, I don’t know when I’ll get around to doing that or if I’m going to answer them at all, but be assured that I seriously appreciated all of them (as I always do). Giving up this kind of vigilance of my blog for a time is just one of those casualties of being busy with really, really important things. I appreciate your understanding.

I know I said there were only two things, but I lied because there’s actually one more. I seem to be playing on the Tweeter a lot lately. I like its brevity. I like that there is no pressure to write words like “collaborative” and “technology” and “experience” except in a mocking way. It gives me quick breaks from cover letter purgatory. So if I overshare or say something drunkish, just ignore me.

The end.

Some thoughts for Friday. Because it’s Friday already. I know, I’m shocked too.

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This is another installment in the “Emily doesn’t really have a theme to her blog right now but that’s OK” series. In related news, I am enjoying my relaxed hold on blogging. Treating this space more like the diary I originally intended it to be feels right. I am, however, working on a piece on one of my favorite books from when I was a kid. It should be a bit more topical. I’m excited! Really!

So the jobs. B and I have been waffling over whether our decision to quit his job and move this year is still a good idea. And for today, at least, it is. A deal is in the works to sell off our portion of some family real estate. The idea is not to live off the money that we would gain from selling it but instead to put it towards helping B’s mom purchase her home, which we would eventually inherit outright. This is a long term plan and I’m not entirely sure how it fits into our present situation, but it all seems to be related in that even if he can’t find a teaching job for the Fall right away, we would at least have a place to live while he continues to search. All will be OK. I’m learning that. Granted, I’m learning it by waking several times in the night and worrying for good measure. But the panic attacks are few and far between.

I was reading a post that Lisa wrote recently about the new year. She was talking about the things that she wanted to leave behind in 2012. (Side note: I loved 2012 because it was The Year of C but I could do without everything else. The Sandy Hook tragedy alone cancelled out any positive feeling I could have mustered for the year. I’m still sick when I think about it, especially since the NRA is being so predictably horrible in their response.) Anyhoo, Lisa is basically my Blogga Mama and I am going to be sticking by her side as she confronts a host of challenges this year. Her post made me think about the New Years post I wrote at the beginning of last year, and how my values and mindset have changed. As I read it back, I see a pregnant woman who has no idea of all that is coming. I’m glad that 2012 was a year of personal growth for me. I suspect that 2013 will be the same, and while I fear the challenges that are coming, I relish the opportunity to give my family the best of me. I can only become that person by putting myself through the fire and refusing to worry about things that are so transitory.

So if you pray, say one for us. It doesn’t have to be long or ornate. I don’t think God minds if your words aren’t all King Jamesian. There’s one job in particular that I’m thinking specifically about that may or may not make B into the coworker of one of my favorite people on The WordPress. So for the posts that would come out of that situation alone, keep us in your hearts.