You should always have an ongoing project. Last year, my project was being pregnant. And it’s funny, but when I was pregnant with C, actually having a baby was still a hypothetical thing to me. This is probably pretty common among first pregnancies. It’s hard to wrap your brain around the immediacy of actually having a child in your life because you have nothing else to compare it to. You actually have to be selfish because everything revolves around you and your body because of the baby who’s inside. You are hot; you are hungry; you are tired; you are cranky; you are having a baby shower. But in a way, that focus of attention on yourself prepares you for the absolute focus you’re going to have on the baby once it comes. From labor day onward, it’s not about pregnant you anymore. It’s about the thing that made you pregnant in the first place.
Just a point to ponder.
So yeah, last year it was about the pregnancy. But what now? Miss C is my highest priority, so what can I be doing for myself to make me better for her? Ah, good question.
This blog is very important to me. I think that’s pretty obvious, considering that more and more these days I am actually blogging about blogging. How very meta. I’ve always enjoyed writing and I finally have some people who want to read what I have to say, and that’s a huge boost to my self esteem and it encourages me to keep going.
Thus enters the B word.
No, not that B word. The other one.
I am going to write a book.
I have about 1,000 ideas that I need to get out of the ephemera of my brain and I am finally going to do it. What I don’t have is an outline, a schedule, a timetable, or a lot of practical knowledge of the proper course that I should take in fleshing out my plan. But what I do have is the will to do it and the knowledge that going through the exercise of writing a book will be 100% worth it. The longest thing I’ve ever written up to now was my senior thesis in college. At 35 pages, it was the product of an incredible amount of studying and thinking, but I was extremely proud of it when I finished it. Still am.
So that’s the long project. One of my shorter term goals is to start freelance writing. Lately, B and I have been talking a lot about Miss C’s education and what we want to provide for her as far as that goes, and the thing that we keep going back to is homeschooling. We don’t know where we’ll be living once she reaches school age, but we feel strongly about our abilities to educate her. However, if this plan is to transpire, one of us (likely me) will be home with her full-time, which limits our earning capacity. And what would I do if I could do anything, professionally? Write from home. I started looking into doing this last year, but my resolve diminished the bigger my uterus grew. Yeah, it was a teensy bit distracting. But now it’s time to get moving with that.
So these are tall orders. However, I look at my daughter in amazement with the thought that I made her. Even saying those words – my daughter – still leaves me dumbstruck. I have a daughter. B and I end our days talking about our baby, and the very fact that these conversations occur leaves me with with disbelief that this beauty is my life. I have come so far already, so I know that I can meet my resolve to just say some things in a written document. Words are small, but when you put them together properly, they get close to reproducing the joy of life.
I’m gonna try.