Fan Mail

One of my favorite things about blogging is the comments that my readers leave. There is nothing better than getting feedback from people all over the globe who are reading my blog! It often takes me just as long to answer all the comments as it did to write the post they refer to.

Today I’d like to spotlight some of the fantastic comments I’ve gotten in the last few weeks from my most devoted readers – spammers!

Dear Emily,

Nice, informative and educational post and the most interesting and informative post i’ve ever seen, so the post bookmarked my browser for future


Wow, thanks, Clau. I’m really glad my post about entering Le Clown’s blogroll contest was so awesome that it became self-aware and actually added itself to your browser with no help from you. Also, I know that his blog can be a little esoteric, so whatever I can do to educate and inform you about him, I will do. I will be your Cliffsnotes to Le Clown.




Dear Emily,

Your website looks like an encyclopaedia that teaches us several things. 


Chel93, thanks! I chose the Twenty Eleven theme primarily because it looks so much like a World Book. There’s nothing more useful than an encyclopedia that has two or three facts in it.

Stay cool,



Dear Emily, 

I just want to say I am new to blogs and actually liked you’re web-site. Most likely I’m want to bookmark your website . You amazingly come with good well written articles. Bless you for sharing with us your webpage. –Meidinger20

Meidinger, you actually like me! You really actually like me! Thanks also for referring to my posts as articles. I’m want to agree. Do you think the New York Times would hire me to write some articles for them too?

The LORD be with you,



Dear Emily,

hey there, i liked you blog, it is kinda good. keep up the work. 


Hey Cintia, I will take your “kinda good” and raise you a “not lackluster.”




Dear Emily,

with this i disagree. 


Cassiapais, thank you for speaking up against my assertion that babies are absurd. My blog would be nothing if it weren’t for folks like you who like to challenge my narrow-mindedness. Would you be willing to expound on why you disagree with me? I’d really like to have a mudslinging fest in the comments section, like on the Yahoo! message boards.




Dear Emily,

I liked reading your submit. I have got to admit it was the very first content on your weblog I genuinely liked and where I had a feeling of understanding, know what I mean? Anyhow, maintain the posting and I’m going to be back again. 


I know EXACTLY what you mean, Wintz. Thanks for not giving up on me and finally finding a submit on my weblog that you genuinely liked. I can’t stand it when people press “like” with no feeling.

Maintaining the posting,



Dear Emily,

this website is better than anyone else’s.

– carolinebeckbu

Caroline, I know, right!? I’m surprised Mark Zuckerberg got a movie about his life before I did.




Dear Emily, 

Hi, I’m 15. I have 5″ (i think you understand). Should I buy Viagra to make it longer? 


Say no more, Linda; I completely understand. Since I have been to the OBGYN a bunch of times in the past year, I am TOTALLY qualified to field your question. I have a couple concerns. First of all, you have a female name, so I’m worried that those 5″ inches of girth between your legs may actually be a tail. You may want to have that checked out. If in fact it is not a tail, definitely take Viagra. Aiding in the manhood of teenage boys is the exact use Pfizer intends.


Dr. Emily


Dear Emily,

Good site! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes and the data are well written. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your feed which must do the trick! Have a nice day! 


Harnist, yes! Pushing the “subscribe” button will definitely do the trick in subscribing to my blog. Your deductive reasoning stands out. I think it’s time for you to try out for Jeopardy.

Friends Forever,



Dear Emily,

A lot of thanks for all of your effort on this web site. Debby takes pleasure in making time for internet research and it’s easy to understand why. Most of us mbt shoes outlet store


OOOH I love a great code, Petersen! Pizzas are great for whistling in the wind, and Marjorie was disappointed with crash to be released. Let s zoom in and take a sneak peek at this mavellous




Dear Emily,

beleave it or not this site wont get you any cash i learned it the hard way . You Probably heard of this “Offline Netspace thing” (not in BLogging) . I know Blogging is not bad if you are a great writer but wont it be better if you make 10x , 20x or maybe 50x more ! i cant give you all info here , if you are interrested join me here NOBODYSDEAD.COM feel free to contact me  


Soukkhavong, thank you so much for your generous invitation to contact you! Please tell me more about the trials you had to endure to determine that your blog wouldn’t get you any cash. I had a feeling my blog was lying to me when it told me it would turn a profit, and I just want to compare my experience against yours. Since I am such a great writer, BLogging is definitely not bad, but I would like to earn 50X more than nothing. My profits for the first year will be through the roof! Let’s see, 0x50=0. Well, since I’m such a great writer, my mathematical skills are lacking. I’m sure you can help me earn my millions.

Let’s get down to it,



Have you checked out Canadica yet? It’s what you get when you stuff Canadian bacon into a cherry pie.


One more PS. This. Just this. I can’t even.


  1. bellissimom · · Reply

    Oh this is hilarious! I especially like the one about Viagra and the one written in gibberish. It is good to know that I am not the only one who gets a kick out of reading the spam file. Who actually falls for those comments?

    1. I have wondered the same thing. Probably just other spam blogs.

  2. OMG, Emily, I’m still laughing as I write this. This is a brilliant post. I can totally relate. With as many legitimate comments as my blog gets the spam folder has literally thousands more bogus comments. Who do they think they’re fooling? Does anyone really fall for that stuff?

    And as for that video at the end…what the heck was that? :-D I can’t wait to show that to my 14-yr-old. He will roll over with laughter. As he should. Thanks for starting my day with a chuckle.

    1. Who knows who actually falls for them. But I sure am glad we get them! It’s the little things.

      As for the video, it is from a Korean popstar. It is really really popular in America as well as Asia right now, and chances are your kids have already seen it. I’m already like a month too late in posting a link to it!

  3. Obviously, Emily, you’ve got it going on. I’m glad these readers have enjoyed the encyclopedic quality of your blog. I know personally, when I need to learn about new stuff, I just skip Wikipedia and head on over to your posts. I also find it refreshing that you know so much about adding length to the male penis! Hooray for you, Emily!! I think you’ve finally achieved all of your writing dreams!! LOL!!!

    1. Oh, I have for sure met all my dreams. You all are so lucky to have found my blog. It’s so much better than Wikipedia.

  4. Those 5″ might be a tail! Snorting over here!

    1. Thanks, lady! Let me know if you need me to take a look at any strange symptoms.

  5. I’ve only checked out my spam once and it contained a real passive aggressive one about my grammar. Oh hell nah! If ‘dis gurl knows 1 ting its her gramma’!

    1. And I bet it had a bunch of errors too.

  6. As Sissy would say “OMG! That was funny!” Life is always better than fiction, isn’t? You just can’t make stuff like that up. I love your blog. I love your snarky. For real.

    1. Life is awesome if it includes spam like this. Love your blog too ;D

  7. HILARIOUS !!! A 5″ tail !!!!!!!

    1. Hey, it could be.

  8. Easy on the eyes, indeed.

    1. I try to make my blog as painless as possible.

  9. One of the nice things about blogging is the community, and seeing the same faces that pop up on my blog pop up on others.
    It’s nice to see we have many of the same commenters, Emily. I say commenters, because it’s pretty clear that they don’t really read.
    Or know how to write.

    And what on earth was that song?!?

    1. Gangnam Style! It’s a Korean popsong that has inexplicably gone viral in America. The guy is even going to perform it on the MTV Video Awards.

      1. It appears that the VMAs have already occurred and that I am lame for not even knowing that. Oops.

  10. Haha I used to be so excited when I got this fan mail. Some man wanted to share his blog with my wife. I thanked him and he never responded. What kind of a number one fan is that?

    1. Maybe one with really bad ADD? That is so random that he asked about your wife.

  11. Brilliant post! Thanks for making me giggle.
    I got a bit confused the other day, Ive heard of spam, but my akismet filter told me I have HAM in my blog comments! Wtf? Lol. Xx

    1. HA! Thanks, glad I could give you a chuckle.

  12. Great post, Emily! So funny. But I’m jealous we don’t all get such wonderful comments on our blogs. Oh, wait, maybe we do… ;)

    1. I will be happy to direct some of these comments to your neck of the woods if you are lacking ;D

  13. Hy-larious! Makes me want to be a spammer just so I can get one of these fantastic responses! Plus, I already have a tail so I think that will launch me into some sort of special quality hi standard spam category. x50!!

    1. Hahahahah! Your grammar is too good and your writing is too cohesive for me to give you a response like the ones above. Sorry.

  14. Wait. I’m still super jealous that you came up with this idea. I’m not gonna steal it because yours was done so well, I really can’t compete. So so good. I love your reader Wintz. “I know EXACTLY what you mean, Wintz.” Wintz is just so cray cray. Can you tell I like typing out Wintz?

    1. Wintz Wintz Wintz Wintz Wintz Wintz Wintz Wintz. Yep, it’s fun to type out! Thanks, Lily.

  15. Besfrinn, you are the goodest! Anyone who can make me fall out of my chair laughing before ingesting any coffee is a champion! My spam comments are super boring these days, but my favorite one ever was, “If articles were slam dunks, yours would be Squaquille O’Neal.” I tweeted it because it was so funny and then Shaq retweeted it. Internet fame!

    1. I think you know me well enough to know that I’m not really bragging when I say that I actually laughed out loud proofreading this one.

      Did you tell me Shaq retweeted you? I feel like I recall this. Anyhoo, that is AWESOME that he did! I wonder if, when he gets together with LeVar Burton, they talk about what awesome tweeters we are. I think they do.

  16. Emily,
    First, I’ll grant you one of my trademarked comment: Clever, you™. I don’t often giggle when I read others’ posts. It does happen, as I do have an incredible and esoteric sense of humoUr. Mr. and Mrs. Spam are old acquaintances of mine. I met first met them when I was just a young Le Clown, living with my family, dirt poor. We ate a great deal of Spam. And mocked chicken. And Chef Boyardee. As a slightly older Le Clown, I had decided Mr. and Mrs. Spam were not going to follow me through the years, that I was going to be a successful clown and upgrade from Spam to Kraft Dinner. I succeeded. I became a world renown blogger. It’s been told that Le Clown’s work is taught in university, with the likes of Sir Andy Kaufman and Michel Gondry. Spam though, keeps on following me. Spam is persistent.

    This post, my friend, has Freshly Pressed written all over it… without the inheritance of a long lost uncle in South New Zealand of Istanbul, which will be deposited in your account provided you send them your banking information, and 3 ova.
    Le Clown

    1. HAhahahahaha I thought a better comment couldn’t be written and then I got to the “3 ova” part and nearly fell out of my chair. Thanks, Le Clown.

  17. Dear Emily,

    hey there, i liked you blog, it is kinda good. keep up the work. 


    By far my favorite:)

    1. I know. I love that they just call it “the work.” I have to earn a positive adjective with that guy.

  18. I have gotton the 5″ 15 year old several times!!! Glad to know I am not the only one!

    1. Wow! I didn’t know you were an expert on Viagra too! Small world ;D

  19. These are so funny!

  20. Do you gewt the Louis Vitton ones – hundreds and hundreds of them?

    1. Haha not yet. But I get a lot of them written in Russian.

      1. Why do we get so many of them and what does it say about the cyber world’s view of us? Worried…..

        1. Those questions may never be answered.

  21. dear blogGer,
    this was an amazeing post! thank you so much for writes it. srsly, it was the funnyest thing I have done the reading all week.

    1. Looooool. I am seriously giggling at that ;D

  22. You’ve burst my bubble. Here I thought that “Hi, I’m 15. I have 5″, “Videos erotic movies online” and “hi!,I like your writing so a lot!” were speaking solely to me.
    My favorite might be “Koborowie karmiono obficie wystepuja jedynie podejrzana.”

    1. That last one sounds like a cross between Russian and Swahili.

      Also, welcome. May I just say that having your Muppet face on my blog is an honor? ;D

      1. My pleasure. I will visit more often.

  23. unfetteredbs · · Reply

    canadian bacon and cherry pie.. classic. Laughing all the way through this one and absolutely perfect ending

    1. Haha thanks! That’s my kind of potluck.

  24. Giggles abound. Please maintain this post.

    1. Yes? I will continue the writing!

  25. Is it sad that when I check stats I get sad when there isn’t even any SPAM activity?

    1. If that’s sad then I’m clinically depressed.

  26. I made sure Babybean was asleep before reading this epic post. And the fact you ended it with Psy made my day. Added to the list of reasons why you, Emily, ROCK!

    1. Thanks! I’m so glad you can appreciate my love for PSY. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you around here! Welcome back, lady ;D

  27. southernfriedinvegas · · Reply

    OMG! Hilarious. Truly.
    You may have sparked in me a secret addiction to Korean Pop. It’s sure to become my newest guilty pleasure. I completely thought he was making fun of Americans until I googled Gangnam. Either way, it was weird and I couldn’t help but imagine it as a Zumba routine :)

    1. Um, I am and have been addicted to kpop since the moment I stepped off the plane to that glorious country! I would blog exclusively about it if I didn’t think I would scare off all my followers. If you want to recommendations, I would obviously love to give you some.

      1. southernfriedinvegas · · Reply

        Recommend away, lady.
        If you do start that blog, you’ll have at least one follower. Plus all those teenagers who knew about that video before we did, of course.

        1. Check out 2NE1 (“Can’t Nobody” is awesome but I love all of their music), G-Dragon & TOP (“Knock Out“), Big Bang (“Lollipop”), T-Ara (“Bo Peep” is probably the worst song in the history of the world but it is HILARIOUS). Oh my gosh, what else? Miss A (“Breathe”…baby LOVES this song/video), Super Junior (“Sorry Sorry”). Girls Generation is SUPER popular but I really only like “Genie.”

          OK, so watch those and tell me if you still like kpop. If you do then you are indeed a trooper. Most people hate it but I love it, non-ironically.

          1. southernfriedinvegas · · Reply

            I agree completely with you about Girls Generation and that Bo Peep song. It was catchy, then it was annoying. lol.
            I have to say that I really did enjoy mine and Gummy’s little exploration of kpop yesterday! I think I really like PSY and 2NE1 – they’ve been added to my treadmill mix. “I Am The Best” was my favorite. TOP was good too. Breathe made Gummy kick her legs and squeal at the computer…it was the cutest. I’m going to keep listening. I have to say, though, that I prefer the dance/hip hoppy (I’ve coined a new phrase) type tracks best. I can do without the ballads and slower stuff.

            1. So, so with you on the dance poppy stuff. I hate the ballads; they all sound like Celine Dion and Kenny G to me. Also check out “Tell Me” by the Wonder Girls; super poppy and hilarious video. For live performances just search “MNet Countdown”; they are pretty cool. Glad you guys like it!

  28. […] in parting, I leave you with this video. I saw this on The Waiting blog, and it was too…odd not to post here. Whtaever it is, it involves checking your watch […]

  29. Very funny! Yes, I’ve sometimes looked at the spam queue and you know what – those people write the SAME thing to me! Do you think they could be insincere?

    1. Haha! They are MAYBE insincere. Just maybe ;)

  30. I don’t know why I didn’t see this hilarious post before. Now have low self esteem because your spam is better than mine! Some of your spams are complete sentences while mine are just strings of words. Oh well, I guess this gives me something to “work” toward!

    1. You just wait. They seem to kind of ebb and flow in terms of their awesomeness. For months I was just getting Russian spam. I thought of sending it to Cameron to see what it says, but then I realized that she may actually have better things to do than translate my blog spam.

  31. Excuse me; my last comment may read as spam because I forgot the “I” between now and have.

    1. If that’s a typo, then my posts are complete gibberish ;D

  32. […] Fan Mail Volume I […]

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