Since my blog stats are already at a super low right now*, I am going to go ahead and talk about a dream I had last night. There is nothing I could do to further estrange my readership, so I figure that now’s as good a time as ever to write a post that is the blogging equivalent of showing you pictures of people you don’t even know at a fundraiser or something.
Google “gala 2013” and many other images full of strangers one will be yours for the taking. Source
*Seriously, though, thanks for sticking around. I’m still writing through it, and I hope to be on the other side of the doldrums soon.
Last night I dreamed that I was at a hospital waiting in a reception area for the results of a routine test that had been performed on me days before. I think it was probably a blood pressure exam or something humdrum like that. While I waited, B went to a drink machine to get a Coke. In his absence, a nurse came out to me with a pink and green book. She gave it to me and told me I was expecting twins and that one of them was for sure a boy. She could tell because he had a lot of hair. (I know.) I could look through the book to find more information on my babies. She told me all this out in the open, in front of other patients and with no confidentiality, which was odd to me even in the oh-it’s-totally-normal-that-my-husband-is-Kurt-Cobain reality of the dream. I asked her to stop talking so we could both wait for B to come back before she divulged more information that I was likely to forget or possess the wherewithal to convey to him. But she just led me to an exam room and left.
The exam room was just a huge, open warehousish space that was icy blue and separated with many curtain partitions. It had low ceilings and no windows. While I waited, I opened my purse and found a huge piece of raw beef that was in a Ziploc bag. I remembered that I had put it in my bag days earlier with the intent to throw it away. The bag was now punctured and leaking blood all over the contents of my purse. I threw it away in the exam room and decided to find a way to leave. When I left my partitioned cell, I noticed that all the teal blue equipment in the hospital was covered in splotches of blood too. So, dream me decided that my decision to leave was a good one because gross.
I woke up about then. My mind immediately went to the twins in the dream and how terrifying it would be if I were indeed pregnant (just to be 1000% clear with you, I’m NOT.) with not one new baby but two. Supes practical me started freaking out about where we would actually put these new humans if they arrived. Our apartment is small and we’re busting at the seams as C outgrows all her baby junk. Big girl carseat arrives this Friday and when I ordered it at Target.com I had half a mind to buy some training bras too.
Lying in bed, I probably chose to dwell on the practicality of housing two newborns rather than affording them – which would be the real issue we’d face – because it’s not as overwhelming. We won’t live in our apartment for more than another year, but I’m not sure we’ll ever be even modestly wealthy. Seriously, I don’t know if it would even be fiscally responsible for us to have another child. C’s cardiogram last month already wiped out the prospect of us going on a modest vacation this summer outside of the roadtrip to see family in Tennessee. You may have never heard this before, but kids are expensive.
Then I worried about how C would handle being an older sibling. READ: I worried about how I could handle being the parent to more than one child. The tens of you who read my blog know that I am pretty much obsessed with her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and her eyelashes demand my attention at all times. And while I know in my mind that if I had another child, I would not love her or the new baby any less, I cannot imagine my heart growing any more to accommodate another child. It just doesn’t seem possible.
Yes yes yes, I know it would be possible, and in fact having another child would make me love C more. Love is not something that you run out of. It begets itself. But remember that the same brain that you’re trying to explain that to is one that dreams of rancid Ziplocked steaks leaking all over Subway Sub Club punch cards in her purse. That’s what we’re up against, folks.
I don’t even know. I fell back asleep pretty easily. For funsies, I took a pregnancy test this morning just to make sure my uterus is 100% empty. It was. And because I am totally logical, that made me sad. Anyone want to swap brains for a sec? I’ll throw in some spaghetti I made in the Crock Pot to sweeten the deal.
♥
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The Waiting 
That was one weird dream. Your husband going for drinks in the hospital and the raw beef in your purse. Good that you decided to ditch the offending package in the hospital room. Funny that you took a pregnancy test for kicks because of your dream. I know how you feel. Where WOULD you put another child? How WOULD you provide for said child? My young cousin just announced she’s pregnant with her sixth! They don’t believe in birth control. She home schools all her kids. Her husband makes a good salary but… Six kids! I wonder.
I don’t know if I could hold onto my sanity with six kids, but kudos to those who can. I guess after three, they kind of meld together. But still.
I am by no means an expert in interpreting dreams, but I think this one shows your subconscious would like a hamburger.
I was thinking steak, but I think either would suffice.
It IS Memorial Day…..
haha! I’m gonna take a stab at this. (I hesitated to use the word, “Stab” with all the blood in this dream but that’s how my train of thought runs…) Okay. I think it’s a simple anxiety dream. The idea of having another baby is making you a little anxious, what, with all the financial strain and such, but to have TWO! That’s you’re subconscious taking you to the top level of the anxiety elevator. I’m sure when you woke up you were relieved on many levels. No twins, no single baby, and no blood in your purse. (Blood in your purse = baby in your uterus and, coincidentally, where you keep your money!) Eureka! I’m a genius! Even the Sub-club punch cards are symbolic. There will be no saving money with another baby. Dang, I’m good. I’m not even going to charge you for this. :D hahahaha!
You pretty much nailed the interpretation of this dream! I didn’t even think about how you usually keep money in your purse so the fact that there is blood and disgustingness in there is symbolic.
Do you regularly remember your dreams? I don’t usually remember mine so when I do, I feel like I should record them.
No, I don’t at all. I remember parts, bits and pieces, but they’re never coherent – much like my waking hours. :D
Emily, you’d be surprised how much love your heart can hold. Especially for children.
That is for sure a lesson you have to learn through experience. ;)
It is.
Clearly you’re gay. You don’t want a baby and the thought of one of them being a boy grosses you out.
Blog stats down as in for the last few months or just recent? Last few months you can blame google for changing things around. More recently, you’re going to have to do another secret Santa to attract the folk.
LOLOL That must be it.
Maybe we can do a Secret Uncle Sam for the Fourth of July. That sounds super pervy.
I have said it before and I will say it again…get out of my head!!! I mean, we could swap brains if you want, but I think you’d be very disappointed in all the new completely irrational stuff you will lie awake at night worrying about. I once wondered how I could possibly love another child as much as my first…and then my second was born :) And like C, his eyelashes demand much attention (I totally cracked up at that). But I know exactly how you feel, because I was there. All I can say is more children or not, it will all work out the way it is supposed to.
I am constantly reminding myself that things will work out for the best. I don’t know if I believe in fate, but I do believe that if we live life with intent and love, things have a pretty good chance of not being horrible. “Not being horrible” is what I shoot for a lot of the time. Shootin’ for the stars over here!
:) Intent and love. Yes. And usually, things turn out even better than not horrible.
I dare you to have twins. Go on. I dare you. And then blog it. Your blogging audience would appreciate it.
Maybe it will bump my stats back up? ;D
It DEFINITELY would.
I’d definitely be checking in 50 times a day. So yeh, I’d say it will.
It’s obvious from the imagery that your subconscious is very disturbed by socio-economic implications on the military-agricultural complex now that HGTV is contemplating expanding.
Also, I got a completely different set of images by googling raw meat gala.
I don’t recommend it.
That MUST be it ;D
Now I will definitely have to google that.
I’ve often wondered if my already crazy obsessed mommy self could handle the amount of love that I would inevitably feel for a second child. It just doesn’t seem physically possible. Not to mention the amount of time it takes to be obsessed with my Doodle would likely need to be multipled by three or four (I get you completely on the nonsensical brain stuff) if I needed to obsess myself with yet another small person as well. :)
Being obsessed over a small human is surprisingly demanding. Why, just today C’s belly button was calling to me. ;D
I’ll swap brains with you for awhile! Just no promises on mine. Unless you enjoy the American Dad theme song and dreaming about all the things you can make with cheese.
That would be a welcomed reprieve.
It’s so crazy how dreams can mess with your mind. Good dreams are great, bad dreams are scary, and weird dreams are like, ummm what’s wrong with my brain?
You would be able to handle another pregnancy Em. Humans can do cray things. It would be a challenge, yes. But it would be awesome because then you would have a whole clan of little Ems and Bs.
But it’s fun to just focus on C right now because shes the cutest.
She IS the cutest. She also looks exactly like B, which means we should have a go at another one so I can have someone look like me. I mean, obviously. Thanks, Lils.
Woah. Good to know someone else’s brain takes the lets-tie-random-situations-together-with-meat night trips as well! As to having another and C’s reaction to it all – it’s an individual decision, obviously. But the biggest thing that surprised me is how much you learn about your kid in how they interact with a sibling. Pretty precious moments to be had.
Nicely written.
Thanks, Tania. The idea of C being a big sister fills me up with so much happy. She is doing so much now that the thought of her showing a sibling how to do stuff like stack blocks, hang laundry, and fill containers is just amazing. (I mostly just want to put all my offspring to work. LOL.)
I thought that’s why we had kids: division of labour, earning their keep, being cute while scrubbing floors — all in a typical day. When you see your baby become a big sister it’s all kinds of pride and emotions. Plus, the younger one has an example to set the stage. Seeing my kids navigate the world together brings out both of their strengths — not something they could do with an adult or on their own.
P.S. I’m loving your blog lately. The words just flow and roll and I’m really soaking it all up. (And I’m pretty envious.)
Thank you for saying that. Your encouragement goes a long way! What is the age difference of your kids?
2.75 years. Older girl, younger boy. Definitely the way to go with older girl (not that we had a choice — lol). Girls are much more nurturing — ever seen a big brother be ‘soft’ with his sisters when he was trying to impress a girl?
Two of my best friends are a bro/sis pair. The guy is the older of the two, and when we were all teenagers, he would become a different person when she was around. In a good way, that is.
Nice. From my unconfirmed casual research, that’s an anomaly.
Don’t I know it! They may be in the Guiness Book of Records for treating each other so well.
Beat that raw meat with one of your Jungsters!
Now THAT is a good Jungian archetype joke. Well played, my friend. Well played.
Ok, so dream symbolism. Your purse is an external uterus of sorts. And you had meat in it that was bad and needed to be thrown away. So that was C’s evil twin. And you need some new Sub Club cards.
C’s evil twin would for sure be a flank steak.
Lolz!
You do seem to be suffering anxiety about having a second child Emily, or the possibility of having twins. You’re only in your early thirties. You still have time to plan this right, or to just stop at C and get a dog, preferably when she’s old enough to help out with walking it. My sister is seven years older than me, and my brother’s 5 1/2 years older. We get along great. There’s no rule that says you must space them close together. If anything, my brother and sister were always competitive with each other. With me coming along so much later, I provided both of them with a diversion. They were also determined to make me grow up fast. Plus they always looked out for me. My sister, the oldest, was always my mother’s favorite, but that never bothered me. If I was Mom, she would have been my favorite, too. And she’s a terrific sister. That could be C down the road.
If we ever got a pet, I think we would want to get a little potbelly pig. We have always wanted one because they are very smart and surprisingly clean. PLUS, you don’t have to send them to college. They’re smart, but not that smart. Maybe that would be a good baby stand-in? C would probably be the only kid on the block with a pet pig.
Do they stay little that long? I heard that when mature, they can weigh close to 200 pounds! But I have heard they they’re very smart, too. C could be known as the little girl with the big pig.
You can get little pigs that are bred to stay small. Although the prospect of C being “the little girl with the big pig” makes me want to get the largest one available.
I would like to see that picture of C and her pet pig, Aloysius, or C & A for short.
Maybe you’re pregnant with kittens.
Good thing there’s a Walmart close by where I can give them away in the parking lot.
Whoo hoo!
28 likes? See, you’re totally at more than 10 readers ;)
That’s true! I guess all their payments went through ;D
What a wild dream, Emily. So vivid…the beef in the ziplock and then to have it drip all over the equipment. Uh….I’m having a hard time getting past that. Have you been watching zombie movies? Maybe this is your sign you want another child?? Could be. I’m sure little C would love to have a sibling if so. I’ve been sensing a drop in readership, too, by the way. You are not alone. Perhaps, some of my blogging friends are taking a break.
Now, I thought the beef in the bag was a sign that she didn’t want more kids and it reminded me of miscarrying. Get it? Miscarry? As in carrying something you shouldn’t? Freud got nothin’ on me. And, my readership is down, too. But I’ve been posting less.
Oh, now that you mention you it, I think you’re probably right. Maybe she wants another child, but is afraid. I’ve been posting less, too. I just don’t seem to have the time lately.
Eat your heart out, Freud!
I don’t usually have such vivid dreams but this one really stood out for me. I haven’t been watching any zombie flicks but that actually doesn’t seem like such a bad idea….. ;D
Oh, yeah. The raw meat was part of a dream. Me, too. A dream.
Last night I dreamed that I was in charge of some lions. I kept telling them to go back to their den. They obeyed, but I knew they planned to get me when my back was turned. I think it was a dream about Squish.
Did I ever tell you that I had a dream about Squish months ago? (We can discuss how I have dreams about children I’ve never met some other time.) I was at a train station or something with him and he kept trying to climb out of a window.
Wow. It’s almost like you HAVE met him! He would do that.
You are hilarious! If this is writing “through it” then I’m not so sure what “it” is, because this was brilliant, from the fundraiser cocktail pic to the way you perfectly describe a dream’s inconsistent logic system. I loved this.
Awww, thanks for your kind words, Katia. ;D
BTW, regarding the blog stats, although I suspect that your low ones equal my high ones, the best thing that happened to me in terms of consistent comment flow is joining a group of bloggers that I adore on Facebook, it’s called Bloppy Bloggers, if you ever consider something like that.
If it makes you feel any better, I like hearing about other people’s dreams.
You should be a psychologist!
I think we need to have a daily conference call about our dreams. I always remember mine, and they are always whack-tastic. This is a good one! Also, I love you.
I love you too! I’m actually glad I don’t remember most of my dreams because the ones I do remember are so disturbing!
I’m reading a record few blogs with any regularity right now for a lot of reasons, but I want you to know I read every word of every one of your posts. I actually think it’s because you’re hitting snags in your writing and admitting it openly and just kind of talking to us. You aren’t stressing overly about trying to be The Brilliant Superblogger Queen of the Interweb, and that’s one of a long list of things I love about you. And I honestly think writing like this is extremely valuable, it’s just different than what you and your readers are used to.
Sending you and C lots and lots of loves.
You are the best. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I agree that there’s a place for full disclosure about writing. It’s not easy all the time because it is so tied up in the way I view myself and my identity. Since this blog is first and foremost about me and for me, I have to assure myself that just as life goes through dips and low points, so will the writing. That’s just the reality of it.
ok so let’s talk about the words training bra?? what are we training them for? A life of bondage..
(I am late to this party and well it seems like everyone has already analyzed you very well.) It all works Emily– we have been broke since day one. The stress and anxiety are all worth it. Ya just gotta go with it.
Truer words were never spoken. Both about the bra and being broke ;D Thanks, Audra.
Oh the dreams I’ve had lately! May just need to post them… thought of it this morning, but then chickened out. (there was a chicken in my dream) But you inspire me. And it seems to me that you get more likes on your supposed worst days than I get on my very best. Just accept it Sally, we like you. We really like you! As for the issues about having a 2nd, all those concerns just make you… a mother. ;-) Trust me on that one. xo
You should blog about your dreams! I’m heading over to your place as soon as I get done commenting so maybe you already have ;)
Nope… procrastination alley. Had to have some surgery this week, and am just able to sit up and catch up on reading other blogs. Ideas swimming in my head, but nothing down yet. But you’re always welcome at my place. ;-)
Wow, that’s quite some dream! Good that you concentrated on the twins part not the bloody part!
Recently I thought that twins may not be such a bad idea as you get two for the ‘time’ of one… but I think I may have underestimated the time even one will take up ;)
I have always heard that being the parent of a set if twins is actually no harder than being the parent of a single baby. You basically roll with whatever you get. Neither are easy, but both are full of awesome.
Congratulations on the empty uterus!
Woo-hoo!