This, I know, is going to come as a surprise, but the awkward girl that was me in high school actually had friends. I don’t know how this happened since I was more interested in writing poetry starring the words “tempestuous,” “ocher,” and “sublime” than I was to having real conversations with people, but against all odds I was able to socialize with some nice kids who overlooked my penchant for wearing black in the middle of the summer.
My friend Tommy was one of those friends. We go back. He wrote poetry too I think, but he grew up and got a good, normal job. He’s an accountant now, which I think means he goes to an office every day and is trusted with something more valuable than the box of store-brand Cheerios that the universe has put me in charge of.
Today, my friend Tommy is taking the reins and sharing with us five actors who he thinks the world could do without. Please welcome him to the group and encourage him in the comments to start a blog as well. Those numbers don’t need him; we do.
1. Nicholas Cage
Nicholas Cage is first on the list, but this has nothing to do with his need to take on ANY role for the next 20 years to eliminate his $100 million debt. Maybe it’s the southerner in me, but I just can’t forgive him for the absurd Alabama accent in Con Air. (Emily’s Note: Similarly, I cannot forgive Kevin Spacey for his South Carolina accent in House of Cards. If it weren’t for Zooey Barnes, this would be the thing I hated most about the show.)
Also, in college, the rules of my favorite drinking game all depended on his atrocious acting qualities of The Family Man. I don’t remember any of the rules. That’s how bad Cage is. (Emily’s Note: His work in Raising Arizona almost cancels out his work in, oh, say, everything else. Almost.)
2. Jeff Goldblum
Why does he always have to play the weird scientist artist character? What makes him so damn qualified for that? But mainly, he took Jurassic Park from one of my all-time top 10 movies to probably slightly less than 100. That’s a factor of 10, folks. (Emily’s Note: Once you play a man who turns into a fly, the next logical move is to play neurotic intellectuals for the rest of your career. Sorry, Jeff, but that bill’s already been filled by Woody Allen.)
4. Keanu Reeves
This one actually pains me to mention, since Bill and Ted were my idols for three months in the third grade. Regardless, I’ll leave this one with an exchange from The Replacements when Ted’s – I mean Keanu’s – character is asked by Gene Hackman what took him so long to make it to the game, which was by then two quarters deep. One stone(d?)-faced smirk and dreadful one-liner later, and you forget all about the box-office success that was The Matrix. (Emily’s Note: I still cannot bring myself to see The Matrix because I’ll be damned if Keanu makes me feel dumb for not understanding the science fictioniness of it.)
By the way, traffic. Traffic was what took him so long.
4. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme
We can lump these guys together because they’re basically the same. More than 75% of people think these actors aren’t good for much other than kicking fictitious ass and looking good in wife beaters. I only hesitate to put every single one of these marshal* artists as #1’s on my list because, as I mentioned, more than 75% of people think they suck. By definition they can’t be overrated. But, their good looks and fantastic publicists have made studio moguls Scrooge McDuck dolla dolla bills.
*I only misspelled “martial” because I don’t want to insult the real deals out there.
5. Justin Bieber
A singer, not an actor, you say? We can make an exception for the Biebs. Feast your eyes:
Now tell me he’s not acting like a douche. (Emily’s Note: No arguments here. Can we have a moment of silence for Biebsie’s pants, though?)
Who do you think is highly overrated?