There is nothing better than getting the attention you deserve on the Internet. The best way of doing this is by writing a blog post that goes viral. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “viral” means that everyone in the history of the world reads your writing but you still eat a can of reheated chicken noodle soup alone for dinner.
As someone who has never written anything that has reached an audience that exceeds the maximum capacity of a Denny’s, I am the perfect person to tell you how to compose and handle the thrill of viral blogging.
Step One: Choose your topic.
This is the most important step so feel free to take notes. Creating a Venn diagram may be helpful. Circle A should contain a fairly straightforward topic, such as the upbringing of the youth, politics, or the contents of a Hollywood starlet’s sock drawer. Circle B will contain the “party” of your viral post, where you assert something so inflammatory or righteous that any sane person would be ashamed to mention it to even a deaf German shepherd. The place where those two circles intersect is known as the Virality Sweet Spot.
Have you found it yet? If not, here are some fantastic topics for your soon-to-be viral post:
• Anyone who does not buy organic bananas is going to hell and is likely also in favor of child sacrifice.
• People who chose to breastfeed in public are closeted vampire strippers.
• Christmas is no longer treated as a religious holiday in many pockets of society, so Justin Beiber will be the next pope. Hope you’re happy.
Step Two: Compose your piece.
Writing is a highly nuanced skill, but there are a few elements that you should incorporate into your viral post. Within the first two sentences, you should announce that you are going to make a lot of people mad with what you are about to say. This lets your readers know that it’s totally cool with you if they get whipped into a frenzy and cannot handle all the feels that your writing will inevitably elicit in their stomachs. The denizens of the Internet are polite to a fault and must be invited to become angry or elated at your beautiful words of truth. You must be a good host. Be sure to use the phrase “ruffle some feathers.”
Consider adopting the “open letter” format where you write an angry letter to an empty box of cereal, berating it for its audacity to no longer contain any more Cheerios. That’ll show it.
Also, make it clear in your post that you have not even flirted with the idea that you could be short-sighted in your standpoint on the topic you’ve selected. Taking into consideration the vantage point of other people is what university book-lernin is for, not blog posts. Do not apologize when someone calls you out on your highly valid opinion that all pitbulls roam the streets in search of infant blood.
As far as word count goes, make your viral post as long as you please. However, get your wondrously insightful ideas about the moral depravity of certain ethnic groups out at the very beginning so that your scores of readers know what you’re all about and can skip down to the comments and start haranguing you/ telling you how you should be the president.
Step Three: Moderate your comments.
You’ve posted your work of composition to Facebook and – surprise! – within twenty-four hours you have wracked up 57847585634875634876 views. Congratulations! You have gone viral! Now it’s time to read your feedback.
You will find that lots of people agree with what you have to say, commending you for your good common sense and your wordsmithian tendencies. Those are obviously the genius people who you should listen to. They will herald you as the voice of a generation and urge you to sire their unborn children. Don’t worry too much if there are 92 typos in the comment they left.
Sadly, there will also be people who tell you that you are the spawn of Satan, the poster child of what is wrong with society today. Instead of deleting their comments, you should let them through because it is a common practice for the best, most Pulitzer-prize-winning writers in the world to benevolently listen to their naysaying critics. Tell them how wrong they are in their outrage. Be sure to call them by the f- and c-words no fewer than 32 times.
You will know that your post has reached the pentacle of virality when there is rioting in the streets over what you said. Did your words lead to a body count? Even better. You’ll have your own column for The Huffington Post in no time.
Step Four: Write a follow-up post.
With all these zillions of new readers and your inevitable Nobel Prize on deck, you will need to write a follow-up post that addresses all the issues you are now facing as a Famous Internet Writer. Practice saying over and over how surprised you are that your piece describing how no puppy deserves to be thrown into a volcano struck a chord with the the literate world.
This is your chance to show you’re not just a one hit wonder. Be sure to spend at least twice as long on this post as you did on the post that made you famous, because precisely 0% of the people on Earth will read it.
Step Five: Buy your domain and become a professional blogger.
The people have spoken: they want more you! Immediately ditch your blog that is hosted on a free platform and hire an expensive web designer to create a beautiful new digital piece of real estate where you can show off all the Very Serious Writing you do on a daily basis.
Quietly resume writing about your kid’s poops and posting Cheezburgers pictures monthly, proclaiming yourself the JD Salinger of the Internet.
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