Highly Important Search Term Blog Post

So, it’s been awhile since I posted and I’m afraid that my brain may atrophy if I don’t put up something – anything – soon, so here we have a list of some of the Google search terms that brought people to this blog.

Bringing you the really important life information on the blog today.

scared still have not had period billie joe armstrong help

Say hello to your new child. Source http://www.starpulse.com/Music/Armstrong,_Billie_Joe/gallery/SGG-000062/

Where my baby daddy? Source

Bet you’re kind of wishing you hadn’t debased yourself backstage in Des Moines now, aren’t you? I have a feeling Billie Joe isn’t going to pony up and give you that paternity test on Maury. Not all is lost, though. He may give you some eyeliner and tips on how to rip Robert Smith’s look off.

lay down charging girl nappy

While the British are smart, not sure if even they have come up a nappy you can plug your iPhone in to charge up. I hope you’re impressed that I know that “nappy” is British for “diaper.” I take this mommy blogging seriously.

what is the hardest part of a human to eat

Not really what I was thinking of when I called the blog notthehardestpart, but thanks for asking. Cartilage? Maybe?

examples of viral blogs 2013

I am flattered that Google sent you here when you asked this question. I’m sure the tens of people who read my blog are also waiting for the day when I go viral, but since I’m writing a search engine terms post right now, I don’t think it’ll be happening any time soon.

emilee austin blog waiting

Don’t you mean emilee awesten blahg weighteeng? I am very modern and enjoy taking advantage of all available alternate spellings. Excuse me while I go make some coughie for myself and my husband Bihn.

can a baby have raisins

Funny you should ask. Yes, babies can have raisins in every sense of the word. Feed them to your child one morning and then the next afternoon, he or she will give birth to tiny little raisin babies. It’s magical.

patricia heaton hot tumblr

You can find a lot of strange things on Tumblr. Pictures of hotdogs garnished with toothpaste and eight-bit illustrations of Chaucer are par for the course. However, you are going to be hard pressed to find sexy pictures of Patricia Heaton on there. I’m so in touch with the youth for knowing this.

my boyfriend grabbed my steering wheel causing me to crash my car what do i do

I love that someone decided that instead of asking friends and relatives for a plan of action in dealing with the delinquent boyfriend, they decided to Google it. Obviously there is a standard protocol one must follow when filling a claim with one’s auto insurance company. Boyfriend douchbaggery is the leading cause of fender benders in the US and Canada.

dont shoot me santa

Cee woke up with a drippy nose on Christmas morning, so my best guess is that Santa crept into her room on Christmas Eve and shot a snot rocket her way. So grateful I have been able to reference both poop and snot in this blog post.

i hate elmo

Now here we have a search term that I can address. You have come to the right place, my friend. I may have to marry you if you hate Sid the Science Kid too.

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70 comments

  1. I loved this… I do this sort of thing every so often and I checked out my search terms this morning so I could do a round up of the year. The best one? TESTICLE CREAM. Confusing, but I couldn’t help but laugh…

    1. I am so jealous! Most of my searches are about peeing for a drug screen.

      1. A glamorous life we lead.

    2. What does that even mean?! Ewewewewe

  2. I hated Barney before you were born… I’m certain of that. I’ve done 1-2 of the search engine posts, myself. They always crack me up!

    1. O-hohohoho, I distinctly remember Barney coming out when my younger brother was a little kid, and I wanted to maim that vile dinosaur. We go waaaaaay back in our hatred ;)

  3. HA! Amazing. I wonder if any of my search terms in desperate times of need are on someone’s blog somewhere… I generally don’t Google cries for help, though.

    1. I’ve wondered the same thing. I have been known to google some truly disgusting things in times of need (and emptying the cache shortly thereafter so my husband won’t know.)

  4. I’ve had some strange stuff bring people to my blog, but nothing quite like these things. This shall become a 2014 goal.

    1. It’s a good goal to shoot for. Or something ;)

  5. You kill me.
    Meredith

  6. “Pantyhose family” and “my nudist” are a couple that showed up on my stats page recently. Not sure what this says about me. Thanks Emily–you always make me smile!

    1. Thanks! What exactly IS a pantyhose family?

  7. I think my favorite part is the reference to Billie Jo’s bad Robert Smith. Although Robert Smith’s Robert Smith hasn’t looked too fantastic for a while. . .

    Though since you also brought up the alternative name spelling thing in this post, I happened to notice for the first time that both “Billie” and “Jo” are spelled as they traditionally are for women. Possibly there is a reason for this, but I think I just established how much attention I pay to him. ;)

    1. Oh, incidentally, I’m going with bone over cartilage on eating a human. Specifically the femur, as it is the strongest bone in the human body. And yes, my mind is both extremely scientific and incredibly messed up. It’s part of my charm.

    2. Don’t ask me why I remember this, but I read an interview with BJA probably 15 years ago where he talked about his name and how the “Billie” nor the “Jo” were short for anything. His actually name on his birth certificate is Billie Jo Armstrong. I guess he had no other option than to be a pretend punk rocker.

  8. Lol you get the best search terms! Mine are so lame. Next time I want a long-lasting snack, I’m definitely choosing cartilage! Thanks for the tip!

    1. They are usually really boring! Just lately a bunch of crazy ones have come up. I do however get a lot of search terms that deal with adult diaper fetishes.

  9. This post made me laugh out loud. Thanks I really needed it.

    1. My pleasure! Glad I could give you a chuckle ;D

  10. Yes. Oh, yes. The raisins.

    *falls over in fits of laughter*

    1. THE RAISINS WILL BE THE END OF ME!

  11. “what is the hardest part of a human to eat”—The fact that someone actually Googled that makes me frightened. Very, very frightened…

    Funny post! Happy New Year!

    1. You too, Carrie!

  12. So funny! I love reading these on my blog too, but sometimes they scare me!

    1. They do tend to bring out the deviants, don’t they?

  13. I’m so intrigued by that Billie Jo Armstrong search. I would watch the shit out of that on Maury.

    1. Too bad he’s got a Broadway music now. BJ is too good for Maury.

  14. […]  Her current post, on Search Engine Terms is clever, witty and full of laughs; check it out here.  Emily’s super talented; I’ve followed her for ages and I’m never disappointed. […]

  15. These search term posts never get old, Emileeeeee.

    1. I agree, Reighchehl.

  16. Nice! I’ve had some doozies over on my blog, but that’s because I’ve written about everything, and because I cheated.

    1. I really had to search to find these. I blog too much about diapers.

      1. That might be something I’ve only mentioned in passing. I am not sure. That’s why I put that search widget on my blogs – I am not even sure what I’ve written before.

  17. For the sexy Patricia Heaton pics, you might try Google Images. Not that I’ve looked….someone might have told me that, yeah that’s it. Someone told me!

    1. Sadly, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I took the bait too and googled it o.O

  18. Why are mine never this funny? Ah well. At least you’ve given me something to do for the afternoon – I’m off to feed a baby raisins in the hope of creating an army of magical raisin minions.

    1. Be sure to lay out some newspaper.

  19. Very entertaining post (and yeah, I think you’re right. I think it would be the cartilage.)

    1. I’m glad we’re in agreement ;D

  20. These search terms make no sense. Yet I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re on an Elmo watch list, but hey, I’ve got your back. Someone found my site last month using the search term “valumpish”. I’m not sure what that means, but I vow to get back in shape in 2014 since I am acutely aware that at this stage, I am far more lumpish than vampish.

    1. I’m glad to know that word exists because it’s the perfect one to describe my roly poly physique. Thanks, V!

  21. Your search terms are much more entertaining than mine. I wish some weird shit would start driving people to my blog so I would have something to write. I need a swift kick in the arse to get started again after the holiday break.

    1. Me too! I don’t know if I’m ever going to get my butt back in gear. I had planned on doing real blogging today but instead I’ve been throwing up all day :P

      1. OH NO!!!!!! Feel better!

  22. Wait a minute, what? You hate elmo? You HATE him? I had hoped you were joking…..?

    1. I don’t so much hate him as much as I want to see what would happen if I set him on fire.

      1. Ah. I see now. I would be interested in that experiment.

  23. Hilarious and weird all in one. I just got this one yesterday: I need a girlfriend to chat on facebook,
    Hmmmmm….

    Happy New Year! Oh and I started a new blog away from expat life, just in case you see me around. :-)

    http://mymutedvoice.com

    1. Awesome! Am following!

  24. Best: I love that someone decided that instead of asking friends and relatives for a plan of action in dealing with the delinquent boyfriend, they decided to Google it.

    HA!!!!!!!

    1. The Google is very useful.

  25. Twindaddy · · Reply

    I haven’t checked my search terms in a while. I think I shall have a look-see here in a bit.

    1. It’s almost as fun as sifting through spam.

      1. Twindaddy · · Reply

        Idk…spam just isn’t all that fun lately.

  26. I adore your blog!! This was just the laugh I have been needing for the last week or two! I’ve never thought of doing a search terms post, now I’m wondering what brings people over my way….. Thanks for making the last day of 2013 a gut-busting one for me!

    1. Yay! So glad I could give you a giggle. I am with you on the holidaze; so ready for things to get back to normal.

  27. Funny, your first “related post” topic under your post turned up the subject “Internet Abuse.” Happy 2014, Mrs. Em!

    1. I noticed that! I am liking that new WP feature. It reminds me of how much useless crap I’ve written ;D

      1. …or maybe a yardstick for how far you’ve come? Happy new year!!
        ~~ssm

  28. I like this! Hard for me to like much lately, and naturally raunch-averse, but this is brilliant. Go viral, woman! I’ll see if I can help, when I get the engerny (correct spelling, parenting hold-over via a 4-year old, along the lines of fruit cottontail) to blog on it one day.

    1. Thanks, Doc! We have a long way to go before I go viral, but it’s great to have you on the team ;D

  29. Can a baby really have raisins? Do they just get them cut off eventually? My kids had ice pick size holes in the sides of their heads, but no raisins. Nice post – I did one like this a couple of weeks ago and was amazed at how people found my blog.

    1. They can indeed have raisins, but I advise against it.

  30. This was hilarious, I hope to one day have tens of readers as well.

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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