Practical Considerations

Just to refresh everyone, I am pregnant. Very much so. I am constrained to remind everyone of this for two key reasons. One, this is a pregnancy blog and that nomenclature informs the majority of what we do over here. But as the maker of this baby and this blog I have a moral duty to inform you of what you’re getting involved in by getting involved in this. After scanning the “Pregnancy” category on WordPress last night, it’s with a heavy heart that I admit that my blog falls into this dubious genre. Sticky sweet feel-goodery, snapshots of Baby’s room, lots and lots of apologies for month-long absences that (honestly) no one really noticed anyway, and the illusion that what I’m going through retains any shred of originality or novelty (yeah, a couple of people have done this before.) This is why I love the tagline of Broken Condoms’ blog: “a mommy blog for those who never wanted to read/author a mommy blog.” Blogging about my pregnancy brings out a rare breed of self-loathing in me that is only matched by my admission that I watch The Biggest Loser.

"My God, what have I done?"

I guess the real fear is the transitioning of this pregnancy blog into the dreaded Mommy Blog in only a few weeks. I don’t need to detail the risks involved in that, but I’ll summarize. The good mommy blogs are fantastic and the bad ones are massively dreadful and the bane of all the cool kids’ existences.

Yeah, I just went there. 

And the good ones account for about 10% of the entire lot. That’s a generous estimate too. I’m just saying that my inclusion into that 10% is doubtful. And that makes me sad. (See aforementioned self-loathing.)

With the PSA over with, the second reason why I need to remind you that I’m pregnant:

I forgot about the whole thing myself. This is no example of “pregnancy brain” either. More like “pregnancy amnesia.” This morning was the rarest of times when I woke up and forgot that I have a massive baby straddling my torso. I assume that since I (the maker and host of the Bebe) forgot about her for a moment, you (the onlookers who hopefully lead enriching lives that aren’t centered around some stranger who talks about her pregnancy on the Internet) would forget way more easily. And in the vein of reminding you of what you’re reading (moral obligation and all), I’m just reminding you.

So I awoke and made my breakfast of egg and toast in complete oblivion. Shower time, which is when I’m most aware of my massivity, passed by with complete normalcy. I dressed and for the first time in months I was completely unaware of the editing of my closet into maternity clothes and regular clothes. My regular clothes may as well have been prom dresses or Halloween costumes that would never be considered for everyday wear.

I finally remembered the Beebs when I was passing through the bathroom to go to the kitchen and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Here is what I saw:

Holy smokes!

Baby, right.

But really, this was just a lapse in our conscious. B and I are ready to do this thang. Since I’ll be full-term this week, I took the opportunity to pack our bag for the hospital this weekend. At childbirth class last weekend, B started creating a list of must-bring items, and I was diligent to include them all in the bag:

I am as prepared for childbirth as I’m going to be, especially with Mariah Carey as my doula. Although I think we all know she may make the whole experience about her. I really wanted Erykah Badu, but you can’t have it all.

Om nom nom

As supportive as B is of me during mine and Bebe’s upcoming ordeal, he’s been a little squeamish about his role in the birthing process. But he’s been preparing by watching lots of Bear Grylls eating all kinds of nastiness clips. This has proven to be a good tactic for overcoming the barfiness that childbirth may induce.

We feel like Bebe is already here with us most of the time, so we of course talk to her and shine flashlights on her to make her know that we (really) haven’t forgotten her. But in order to train ourselves for the very real changes our household will undergo once she arrives, we have implemented a couple new practices. First, it being Spring Break at the local elementary and middle schools, we have kindly requested that the delightful children in our apartment complex awaken from 3 to 4 AM and play with their RC cars right outside our building to ensure that we are awake at these times. They have had no problem fulfilling our request and we are grateful for it.

However, during those times when the local children are off setting cats on fire and not playing with their cars, B and I need to implement our own system of preparing for Bebe’s yelps. We’ve YouTubed what infants sound like when they cry and determined that they sound like matter-of-fact baby raptors who just want one more goat to gnaw on. When it’s been quiet for awhile, we yelp at each others with these tones and continue until the other person figures out what the young wants.

We are going to be awesome parents. I think.

****

Photo Credits:

Talking Heads “Once in a Lifetime”

Bear Grylls “Man Vs. Wild” Discovery Channel

36 comments

  1. The best bit of advice I can offer you is to take nothing to the birth that you or your husband ever plan to wear again. Oxy-clean may or may not be able to get the goo off that favorite Laker jersey.

    1. So, what you’re saying is that it wasn’t a good idea for me to insist that the birthing be an P. Diddy-esque party where all attendees must wear solid white? Time to send some retractions…

      1. No, send no retractions. If they’re wearing white suits, they’ll have fantastic souvenirs.

  2. I love that raptors are part of the equation, and that you used the term “feel-goodery” and that Dracula made the list. As you may recall, Dracula was also invited to your honeymoon. I love you, and I have no doubt that your blog is going to continue being awesome after Bebe comes. Can’t wait!

    1. Raptors have been a major part of my life for many years, and this new experience will be no exception :) Love you!

  3. Yeah, I may have to stop reading when this becomes a Mommy blog. Lol. Nah, I’ll stick around.

    1. Sounds fair since I’ll have to start punching in an actual URL to read yours soon. Ah, the sacrifices we make for the blogs we love.

      1. Actually, if you subscribe to my Feedburner feed, you can have posts emailed to you. No URL entering necessary.

        http://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=TheMainland&loc=en_US

  4. I think babies sound like cats. Some of them sound like dolphins, too. Mine sounded like hell or was it that they were the heralders of hell? Yeah, that’s it! We flunked lamaze, so I have no advice there. My husband was good at taking pictures.

    1. They DO sound like cats! I had forgotten about that one. My husband is also good at taking pictures in that he has been instructed to not take ANY until the birth is completed and I have no doubt he will obey.

  5. mommysaidaswearword · · Reply

    I think I read only three expecting blogs. Yours, broken condoms, and jells. The rest of them make me want to cry, and not out of emotional enlightnment…out of sheer pain. This Woman’s Work was an excelling expecting blog, and I can’t wait for her to be back regularly again. But you are right…..way, way right about this! Another thing you are right about: you will, indeed, make great parents. (At least from what I have cyber-stalker learned of you).

    1. I am in good company to be associated with those bloggers; I heart them big time too. As far as mommy blogging goes (and obviously I hate using that term but you know what I mean), you are doing it absolutely right and if I learn anything from you, I will be in a happy place :) Thanks for your kind words.

      1. mommysaidaswearword · · Reply

        thanks to you, too. I am sure your transition will be seamless and hysterical :)

  6. There is NO way that your blog will turn into a mommy sucktacular once you have Bebe. Don’t you worry! I think it is a very real fear for those of us who write pregnancy blogs. What will happen to us after we are (gasp!) parents!? I think you’re safe.

    In other news, you are so close! I am so excited for you! (And jealous! I want this kid out!)

    1. “I think it is a very real fear for those of us who write pregnancy blogs.”

      OK, I thank you SO MUCH for saying this because sometimes I think I’m such a weirdo for letting my concern over becoming a lame butt mom take up so much of my time. Just doesn’t seem like a healthy anxiety but it’s one I have nonetheless. It’s good to know it’s crossed someone else’s mind.

      We are close, and boy-howdy am I ready to extract her.

  7. Yeah! The diva-as-doula concept LIVES! I think Mariah, having recently birthed twins, is an excellent choice. Badu may have more human children, but if you count gold records as children, Mariah comes out waaaaay ahead.

    Oh, oh! I just thought of the official naming of the birthing process: “The Emancipation of Bebe.” BOOM. (I literally almost justified making that pun by saying that me and Mariah go back like babies and pacifiers, but then that seemed a little too on-the-nose, and I’m going away now….) Seriously, you will do awesome and I can’t wait to see little Bebe’s face!

    1. HECK YES it lives. Dude, you thought I wasn’t going to incorporate that into something on here? Pshaw. I was just about to inbox you to alert you that I had brought it up.

      I was going to title the birth plan “Born This Way” ala Gaga but I like “The Emancipation of Bebe” better. Stolen. And any reference to ODB (may he rest in peace) is ok in my book. No apologies necessary.

  8. Bob or Jillian? :)

    Just remember that your child will have this record of everything you say about them following them about for the rest of their lives! I feel very sorry for some of my friends chilren.

    1. Ooooh now that’s a good question. I think I mostly just like those glass-front fridges filled with evil treats. Those things are for sure going to be in heaven.

      I’ve thought about that often. For that reason, I think this blog will take on a lot more anonymity (if that’s possible) after she’s born.

  9. Love this post, and I can relate to the Mommy blog fear. I blog less about my baby raptor than I want to because I don’t want mine to be a boring, smug Mom blog.

    1. Thank you! Let me just go on the record as saying that I LOVE your blog and the balance you maintain is a huge reason why I continue coming back for more. From reading the comments on your blog, it seems like your readership spans the spectrum of both parents and non-parents. That’s also something I currently enjoy in my audience and I just hope to hold on to them all once the Beebs is born.

  10. You will have a wonderful mommy blog. And if not we will let you know so you can shape up.

    1. That’s what I’m hoping for. If anything, my readers are honest!

  11. Good stuff Em……I just have one question….did B really write that list ??? If so, MLA & I were not the fantastic parents we absolutely knew we were…..

    1. Oh yes indeed he did. And I think that list is proof-positive that you guys did a very very fine job on him :)

  12. Aw, heck, I wanna hear it all when Bebe comes…in your (sleep-deprived) style, of course! Forgot about baby? Cherish that moment – at least it is now while she is a captive audience, instead of stranded in the church nursery because Mommy assumed Daddy picked her up because she assumed Daddy remembered Mommy had to leave right after the service to run a previously-discussed errand in the second vehicle, and Daddy assumed Mommy picked her up because he was moved by the sermon and was in brain-lull mode and assumed Mommy picked her up like always, and he took off for home in the family van sans Bebe! Not that I speak from experience or anything…ahem. Whatever, just make sure all supervising adults have BOTH cell numbers…

    1. At least it was at church and not at Chuck E. Cheese’s! Dear me…

  13. Too right about the noise! You don’t want one of those babies who expects it to be quiet. With Mariah Carey in the room you should have no problem (good choice).

    1. She’s promised to bring her twins and Nick Cannon along too so the noise level should be through the roof. We are all about bringing this child into a world of chaos. I mean, she has to ENTIRE rest of her life to cope. That should be enough.

      1. My parents took that approach too! They had seen a friend raise two in a house where the noise floor had to be zero for the kids to sleep, and they said no way! The kids here sleep through noise. Once they slept through Transformers with the volume pinned. But I’ve also heard it’s in the genes…

  14. #1, your blog header photo frightens me
    #2, you look wonderful! not too long now!

    1. I hope you’re referring to the one with the two freaky baby dolls and not the one with the carousel :)

      Thank you! So ready to evict her sweet butt!

  15. Love that Magic Potions has a huge check box next to it and that dictionary is circled. Magic must always be done with excellent spelling. I read your blog for you. Though mommydom will surely change you, your essence will still be alive (once you get a good night’s sleep again).

    1. LOL I love that too. I can’t really explain the circling of “dictionary” and the giant checkmark, but they somehow encapsulate the adorable quirkiness of my husband. Thanks as always for your sweet words.

  16. I think you may also want to enlist the neighbor children to randomly smear various gross things around your apartment. Desensitizing to that would probably come in handy.

    1. Good plan. They and their parents would both oblige to destroying yet another perfectly good apartment :)

Now you can hold the magic talking stick.

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