I tend to blow negative things out of proportion. This time each year, I freak out about money because B goes back to school and only teaches classroom, non-online courses. Even though he’s working more, he makes less than he does over the summer because he doesn’t have those supplemental online courses. Money is extremely tight. Plus, there’s that whole we-have-a-baby-now variable that wasn’t present last year. Right now, saving money is not an option because we need every dime. We trim the fat and exercise massive frugality, but the stress is rough. When I see our bank balance I feel a shift in my bowels.
Oh, and our computer is on its last legs, so soon that will need to be addressed. And I’m pretty sure Wee Cee is going to keep growing and will need new clothes since she can’t wear her 6MO stuff forever. This is a shame because she has the most adorable little fleece hoodie with hearts on it that I don’t want to put away. As you can see, my priorities and motivations are completely valid and sane.
My brother is also having some problems right now. He has Aspergers so his life has always been challenging, but right now a lot of things are hitting him all at once. He was dismissed from his job for reasons that I won’t go into. He works for a huge company that you have heard of, so they have an infrastructure in place for people to appeal their dismissal, so he will do that. Still, there’s no guarantee that he will get his job back. He was also recently in a car accident that was his fault, and he’s being sued by the person he hit. This is a lot all at once. He lives with my mom and she’s been parenting him from the moment he was born. He is now 27. She had been a SAH mom pretty much from the instant I was born until my dad passed away eleven years ago. After he died, she went back to school, went back to work, has since excelled in her field, all while being my brother’s primary advocate. When things are rough in my brother’s life, they are extra rough in my mom’s life because she has to pick up the pieces. She’s racked right now. I’m glad she was here this week because it gave her an escape, but she’ll soon be returning and having to face the life of T. It makes me shudder for her.
I have a knot in my stomach when I think about these things. And a knot in my brain. And in my heart. Why do things have to happen all at once? Who or what can I blame? The hardest part always seems to be the present. Yesterday I was at the store and at the checkout counter, I overheard the massively pregnant lady in front of me say that she was already past her due date. She will have her first baby by Saturday if not before. And I just wanted to tell her to make these last few days count. Your life is made so much richer and worth living with a baby – I know this so well; it’s the theme of my life – but having one does nothing for simplicity and ease.
But what I know is that things are not as bad as they could be. These are big deals, but we will survive.
In fact, if things did get exponentially worse, we would survive.
If they got to that exponentially worse place and THEN got even more terrible, we would still survive. Even then, if they got to such a terrible place that I can’t even wrap my head around it and calculate the challenges we would face, we would still survive. We have each other: me, B, and C. I have my family. I can’t count on much else, but I can count on the love I have for them to motivate me to keep my head up. I can count on my maturity, even though a lot of the time it is relatively scant. I can’t count on my education – right now it’s the student loans that weigh on me the most – but I can count on my sense, my intuition, and the logical qualities I was born with. I can count on the wholeness of my life that God has given me. He has made me realize that I already have it all, but I just need to do all I can make it worth living. I need to see this through and realize that a life full of challenges is just as worthy of being lived as a life of ease. In fact, it’s even more worth living.
There was a time when I had just gotten out of school and I was looking for my first job. I think I literally had like $1300 to my name, and one month’s rent was $750, so the pressure was on to get a job – any job. I was miserable. I was afraid I was going to have to move home and work at the Gap like I had before I finished my degrees. My body was sore because I was so worried. I’m not relaying this story to tell you that I had nothing to worry about and that I did eventually find a job, although I did. It’s pertinent because when I reflect back on that time now, I remember it not being as horrible as I thought it was. I survived the backaches, the headaches, the stomachaches, the sleepless nights.
I recognize it as definitely not the hardest thing I had ever been thought. I survived that.
I’ll We’ll survive this.
Let’s do this.