Yesterday was my birthday. You know this if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook because I let you know in the form of many, many notifications. What can I say? I’m thorough. I haven’t always been a fan of birthdays. The getting older part doesn’t really bother me at all because I am eternally youthful (LOL LOL LOL), but what does bother me is when the universe doesn’t deliver the acclaim I deserve on my special day. You only get 25 happy birthday greetings from people on Facebook instead of 200 or your husband only spends $200 on jewelry for you instead of the requisite $4000. Life is so hard. Yesterday, however, I had a wonderful birthday. And I didn’t even have to leave home! Thank you to everyone who gave me a shout-out. It made me feel warm inside.
As I was giving C her bath last night, I started thinking about birthdays. That detail about the bath has really nothing to do with anything but I think it indicates that I’m a swell person for caring for my child even on my special day. I was thinking about birthdays and it occurred to me that they are the best holidays of all. If there were a holiday competition, birthdays would for sure win. Would you like to know why? Good, because I’m going to tell you.
1. Birthdays are custom made. Even though you don’t get to pick when you’re born, your birthday is specific to you. You don’t have to share it with anyone and all the glory is heaped upon you and you only. This is another reason why being a twin would be horrible. First you have to share your room and now you have to share your cake. Tragic. I guess the idea of twin languages kind of cancels this out but I doubt those things exist in the first place.
2. You get to spend time with whoever you want to. Unlike Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter, there is no requisite family misery. You don’t have to spend half the day with your sister and then schlep yourself over to your ex-cousin-in-law’s for the afternoon like you do on Christmas. If you want to hang out with all your high school friends on your birthday, you can. And if for some reason you want to hang out with your yoga instructor, you can. Since it’s your birthday, she can’t really say no. This is also known as Birthday Leverage.
3. You get to do whatever you want. There are no stupid traditions that are foisted on you by others. You don’t have to put lights on your roof and risk breaking your neck. You don’t have to buy a bunch of eggs and then hide them. What the heck are your supposed to do with the eggs after they’ve been found? You can’t donate them to charity. That’s gross and plus I doubt the needy want to get high cholesterol from eating your gently used eggs. The only real tradition that is specific to birthdays is eating cake, and if you’re complaining about that then we have nothing in common.
4. Facebook is fun for a day. Poor Facebook. It has become the whipping boy of every single blog post written this year. This one will be no exception. Facebook is not fun on holidays because everyone is talking about the holiday or complaining about the holiday. Even though Halloween is pretty great, you have to look at pictures of people wearing costumes they made themselves, as if it’s Pinterest or something. Ugh, just leave me alone, Holiday. Facebook on your birthday is fun, though. People tell you how much they love you and how awesome you are. Even though they may only say “Happy Birthday” with no exclamation marks or even your name, you know that they are telling you that they really admire you and your incredible nature.
5. There’s no cleaning up. Since it’s your birthday and the party is for you, you don’t have to clean up the mess. Even if you chose to put up a Christmas tree for your birthday and decorate it with rubber gloves and pictures of Rainn Wilson, you won’t have to clean it up at the end of the party because all the guests are basically your servants. So when you open your gifts, be sure to tear the paper into tiny little pieces of confetti because you don’t have to clean that mess up.
What is your favorite or least favorite thing about your birthday?