Dear Ms. Baby,
We regret to inform you that when you opted in to the Eating and Drinking Program (EDP), you also opted in to the Diaper Changing Program (DCP). For each meal/snack you consume, you will have to report to the changing table roughly two times. As long as your parent/guardian continues to feed and clothe diaper you, these numbers are expected to rise. The anger you have been expressing recently on the changing table may worsen. However, we understand your frustrations and are here to offer some constructive pointers on improving your situation.
Perhaps you would like to persuade your parents to start using disposable diapers more frequently so as to cut back on potential trips to the changing table. While your mother and father are ever so smug about the environmental and financial savings they incur when they wrap your lower torso in reusable garments, they are knowingly creating more work for themselves and for you. Each time they haul you off to the changing table to change your soiled prefold diapers, they are tearing you away from the pressing matter of removing every single item from every single drawer in the home. Please notify them that by switching to disposables, they will not have to change you nearly as often.
Frequent diaper rashes may be the source of your frustrations when your parents insist on laying you upon the slab. If this is the case, we suggest you procure yourself a tube of diaper cream and have your guardian apply it liberally to your underside. Note: we advise against you performing diaper cream maintenance on yourself. The urge to eat Desitin is just too great and poses many threats to your still-developing innards.
As you know, the time you spend on the changing table can be tedious. If the doldrums persist, consider bringing something to entertain yourself with while you’re lying on your back. Entertaining items include but are not limited to:
• Your mother’s filthy set of keys
• An abridged copy of War and Peace
• Plush bunny
• At least four (4) pacifiers
Should you find that having your diaper changed is too unbearable, you may be a prime candidate for transfer to our Early Toilet Training Program (ETTP). Using a potty is indeed a sign that you are a VBG (Very Big Girl). If your expansive vocabulary of da-da, bye-bye, ma-ma, and mooooooooo does not sufficiently convey to your parents your desire to transition to the toilet, we recommend that you simply drop trow in the middle of the living room and go for it. Your parents will likely get the hint.
Yours,
The Management
“Yeah, no. I’m not going to lie down.”
The Waiting 
Good luck with the ETTP.
I suggested it to C and she LOLed in my face.
LOL @ “mooooooooo” and “at least 4 pacifiers”
This was hilarious, Emily.
Thanks. Mooooooooo.
Hilarious!!! And true!!! And it is so going to get worse! My nephew Lyle used to claim indignantly “I already BEEN chainsh!!!”
Good ol’ Lyle! I remember when he was still a bayba. Is he in college now or what?
Going to be either a junior or sr in high school. On the wrestling team. Going to Philmont.
I have seen babies successfully diapered while standing up. And there is nothing more gross than a baby walking around in a disposable diaper that needed changing a week ago. And the keys!? What is up with babies and disgusting, nasty, filthy car keys?
I have NO idea! C is completely obsessed with my keys. I got her a set of play keys and she could not be any less interested. I have half a mind to go to Lowes and just make her own personal keyring so she’ll leave mine alone.
Hahaha. I love the seriousness of this. Did you send it with recorded delivery?
Ha! I didn’t but I will have to consider that ;D Thanks, Pixie.
Dear C.,
This is Grammy…..your grammy! Get on that changing table and straighten up! Your mama and daddy are in charge!
Love,
Gram
Show her who’s boss! ;D xoxo
Oh, my gosh. We gave up on the changing table and opted for our bed because there was more room for us to restrain Squish! I feel your pain!
It’s so funny you mention that because C is currently fixated on getting up on our bed. She gets on and off 900 times and it’s totally the best fun evs. I should mention that we have a platform bed and that it is ME who is lifting her on and off it. I am getting a total body workout.
Dear Cee,
Love the tude. You can really set the stage for later revolts if you hang tight with this one issue. The disposables will make your life easy peasy and hassle free. I promise you. Don’t give up the fight!
Yours, since the day I first laid eyes on you,
Lisa xoxo
Lol! The picture is so sweet. I just want to eat her up.
I will have to email you the rest of the pictures from that particular photo shoot! Some of them turned out extremely well, considering they’re just of her on the changing table in her pantammies. The light was on our side that day!
Mojo = found
YES!
Hilarious !!!!
;D
Good luck with that, Emily!
It’s a pipe dream for sure.
Love this!
Thank you!
This is great. You write some of the most entertaining and creative parenting-inspired posts. Very clever!
Awww, thanks Katie. Poop and pee are my muse.
That struggle on the changing table is a rough one for all parties involved. May you move forward to the next struggle quickly. The ETTP, although much encouraged around our neck of the wood, was not a pleasant alternative to the DCP. But I have a feeling that when C sets her mind to something, she does it, and is not lazy or noncommittal like the boys I am apparently raising.
Boys and potty training! Yikes. We gave up and just let him quit the dipe when he was ready. He was almost four and it was because he saw another boy pee into a bush. So, take your boys camping. Mine also didn’t want to have anything to do with sitting on a potty because that’s not how men do it. He waited until he was tall enough to reach the toilet.
I agree that the peeing outside thing for boys is a great motivator. They are 7 and 5 now and would still rather “water the grass” in our yard rather than run in and use the bathroom. Lucky for all involved our yard is tucked away behind a mini forest so no one gets an eyeful.
I’m not too optimistic that we’ll be out of diapers any time soon, but as long as she’s potty trained by the time I drop her off at kindergarten I will have felt like I did my job. Sort of. Thanks, Shoes!
Love it! It’s so true!
Thanks! Now if only I could teach her to read it…
Hilarious, Emily. You crack me up.
Thanks, TD. I also cracked C up when I purchased a baby potty the other day. “LOLOLOL You think I’m going to use that thing?!”
Ha! She will when she’s ready. Until then….she’ll continue laughing at you.
It seems that your child suffers from RED – Repetitive Eating Disorder – which causes untold destruction in the bowels…try a lot of BRAT foods and withhold liquids for at least 12 hours per day. This should show some results.
I tried that but then she saw me eating and doggonit if she wasn’t a little jealous.
This was so inspired, Emily, even a non-breeder could enjoy it while eating breakfast. Love that pic of C in her jammies looking like she’s plotting.
Thanks! She is the mistress of the changing table. That’s where she gets her best thinking done.
Too cute, but so true!! My “baby” is six and this post makes me think back to when he was in those stages. I kinda miss them.
I can imagine! I look back on the days when she was tiny and no one was sleeping and I somehow miss them too. Thank you for dropping in and commenting, luluchris! ;D
You’re welcome! ❤❤❤❤
Why?! Why do they refuse to have their diaper changed? I feel your pain.
And this was a genius post. Bravo.
Thanks. I am really inspired by poop and pee. Motherhood works well for me.
We write what we know.
Oh my goodness so true!!! We tried the brave adventure of Cloth diapering for about two months with my daughter before we gave up so Kudos to you for keeping up with it! My son hates diaper changing (he’s 3 1/2 and REFUSES to go on the potty…like screaming, kicking, I’m-going-to-kill-you refusing) and usually involves me having to hold him down with one arm over his upper torso haha.
Clothe diapering has really been an adventure for us and it’s ROUGH during the hot summer months. I am a little bit insane for continuing with it, but we’ve made such an investment in it that quitting at this point would be like tossing them all down the toilet. Bad pun intended. Thanks, Dimpledoo!
Emily, you are hilarious. You always manage to take really frustrating things and find a way to make me laugh about it. Thank you for that.
Thank you for being you! xoxo
Cee already knows how to stick it to the man. That’s awesome. For her, not for you. I think I was an ETTP applicant myself. Probably for the same reasons.
She is totally going to get us evicted. She needs to get used to these kinds of stern warnings from figureheads. Also, I would expect nothing less than the ETTP program for you, Lils. You were a model baby!
Great post, Emily! Love the perspective and humor :0
Thanks, Laura! Have a great weekend!
We’re going through the same thing in our house right now. For some reason, he calms down if I let him hold his toothbrush on the changing table. Fine by me. Brush your teeth all you want, kid. Also, the go-to for everything, cheddar bunnies works sometimes as a great distraction.
Do you have any tips on brushing your guy’s teeth? We’ve been trying to brush her teeth with her little toothbrush but she usually commandeers the brush and sucks all the baby toothpaste out of it before we start actually brushing. It’s tons o’ fun.
Hilarious, brilliant mama. Way to go. Love your sense of humor and fun.
Thank you! Some of my most popular posts are inspired by dealing with my child’s excrement. I’ll take it.
Genius. Sharing this. That is all.
And by sharing I mean my personal FB page AND my blog FB page…maybe even my Twitter account if I don’t get too lazy to log into it. You’re welcome.
I will provide postage fees if you want to mail it out too ;D
ha!
You are the best! Kisses!
Ugh. So glad these days are over. I tried the diaper free method for a while – where you are hyper neurotically vigilante and move your kid over the ‘vessel’ about 15 x an hour. I had it figured out pretty well that I could almost go diaper free when my kid was 9 months old (*in* the house, never left the house without the trusty baggage). Then when he got more active it all went to naught and I just put two diapers on him.
Wow! You are far more ambitious than I am! A Facebook friend whose daughter is a month younger than C recently posted that she has been almost entirely potty trained for the past two months. I simply cannot imagine the work that would go into that kind of undertaking. I love the idea of not having to change diapers anymore, but we have carpeted floors throughout most of our apartment and I shudder at the idea of shampooing dribble out of them daily.
It can take a looooong time, or a really short time, or in between. (How’s that for mommy advice?) My cousin had her kids trained in 2-3 days. It took us weeks of alternately being really encouraging, then really firm, and then bribing (gummy bears) my older kid. She just wasn’t interested and not internally motivated. I have heard it’s best to potty train before 2 because they are still very willing to please. That being said, you’ve gotta deal with what you have in front of you — and shampooing dribble is not high on my list of priorities either.
When she signed up for DCP, does that mean her caregivers have the right to strap her down? Maybe she needs to sign a waiver.
I need to draft that waiver ASAP.
I’ll also donate my filthy keys to the cause!
Every little bit helps!
I’m confused. She can read, but she doesn’t understand poop etiquette?
Have you tried giving her a Lifesavers? My mom gave me one and I pooped on the toilet for the first time. The fact I remember the first time I used the toilet says something…
She conveniently forgets things when she needs to.
I am really impressed with your memory retention.
This was classic! Lol!
Thanks, Amy!
I found this legitimately amusing. :D
I legitimately, sincerely appreciate it ;D
OH, I like the sound of the ETTP. Great post. And SO true.
Thanks, Moyermama! Any tips on ETTP? ;D
If anything, our boys opted for the ALAP program (as late as possible). But they did train quickly!
Oh the awful changing table wars! ETTP sounds like a good idea, but…
Oh, and if you want to cut back on diaper rashes, I have just the ticket…homemade diaper wipes. I make them and can send you the recipe and a set up system if you so desire. I’ve been using them for 11 months and Mr. K has never had a diaper rash!
Awesome! We do disposable wipes for pee and reusable for poops. I’d love to know your method!
Please let me know if the “letter from management” works because I will be writing one to a 3-year-old boy on his need to cease-and-desist crapping/peeing in his underwear.
I doubt it will work, but I hold out hope in my idle threats to take Yo Gabba Gabba away.
This post induced flashbacks to my potty training days, which were unfortunately both lengthy and quite recent. Chin up though, girls are generally superior in this regard.
I’ve heard the same thing. Knock on wood. I am already way too used to having pee on my clothes for the situation to worsen (that sounded way less disgusting in my head.)
Thank God she’s a girl and never peed in an artistically-high arc from the baby bathtub in the kitchen sink clear over into the toaster – our management drew the line right smack there. Don’t ask me why we still have the same toaster, but I’m certain the heat sanitized everything by now. And no one got electrocuted. Although that may explain why he has curly hair unlike his brothers. Just wait till she learns about Kegels. Rock on, Miss C, and rots-o-ruck to the mgmt.
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