Today was one of those days. I can usually see them coming. They start out with C being in a great mood when she first wakes up. She’ll sit in her crib and chat with Purple Bunny or doze like a normal human, and then pleasantly call my name around 8AM when she’s ready to greet me and tell me how wonderful and gorgeous I am. Then, by the time breakfast is over, her cache of pleasantness is exhausted for the day and she cries until bedtime because why not?
I pulled out all the stops today. While I would love nothing more than to peel grapes and watch Murray and his Little Lamb with her from the moment a toddler day begins, it is not meant to be sometimes. Laundry has to get done. As I took each sopping wet shirt out of the machine whilst the melodious sobbing of my child played in the background, I remembered that outside exists and so we should probably go there. Outside is bigger than inside and there are fewer iPads laying around to be thrown across the room to bruise my shins.
“C, when I get done, do you want to go outside?”
“OWSIGH. Shooooooo.”
“OK, go find your shoes and I’ll help you put them on.”
She ran across the apartment to her shoes and started screaming at them because they were up high where she couldn’t reach them, and if you yell at shoes enough they will fall down onto the ground and place themselves around your feet. They will probably smile at you more than your heartless mother.
I went and grabbed them and a pair of socks and called to her to come to the sofa where I would put them on her. Her response was to run across the apartment again screaming SHOOO and then demand raisins. I reminded her that it was time to go outside and she reacted as if this was the first time in the history of her life that I had suggested we leave our home to go to the wondrous outdoors.
“C, come to the sofa so I can help you with your shoes.”
In a fit of overwhelmed glee, she noticed the pillow across the room and decided to go lie down for a second. I took the opportunity to get up and have a sip of coffee. Obviously, me drinking the coffee made me Hitler so she started wailing again. Once one’s parent drinks coffee, outside isn’t happening. Obviously.
Finally I put her shoes on her and carried her outside. Luckily B came home from work a few moments later. I escaped for the afternoon to go tarGetting. When I got back, he had that look in his eye. A change in the guard had not lifted her mood. It would be hotdogs and macaroni for dinner for all.
There is nothing better than sharing a toddler day with another parent who is equally as useless at counteracting them.
When your toddler orders you to remove the mattress from her crib so she can sit on it all day, you do it.
The Waiting 
Good to know who’s boss.
She’d give Tony Danza a run for his money.
Oh, the cranky days. I do not envy you. Hang in there.
Interestingly enough, she was an absolute angel today. We took a long daytrip to Raleigh and in lieu of napping in the car, she just looked at books. I don’t understand.
Love, love, love. I am so behind on your posts darling, probably bc I am trying to write a viral blog post in 5easy steps, but now I have a perfectly clear shot of yr life!
Just open your fridge and wish there was an endless supply of leftover pizza in there and you pretty much see my life ;D xoxoxox
Oh my god how can you not smile with that little one though!
It’s pretty easy to smile. The lows are low but the highs are fantastic ;D
For the love of God…just do what they ask and no body gets hurt. Nobody really knows what these crazy little creatures are capable of. Glad you survived.
I’m actually fairly certain of her capabilities. They extend to destroying expensive appliances in the span of two minutes. ;)
The part I love best is when they find that one special scream that dives automatically into your inner ear and dances around like razor blades….sure do miss those days! Sheyaa, right, as if
My mom always talks about my shrill scream from when was a kid. I was capable of ripping paper three states over with it. C seems to have inherited that gift.
The way she is now, will be the way she is as a late teen. Remember these wise words… Please for the love of God, remember them. ‘ Cause I’m right there with ya, and it’s hell.
No. Just no. Take me now, Lord.
I’ve blocked this period of my life from memory.
I need to figure out how to do that.
So incredibly true! Just for kicks, I used to picture my ‘toddler’ as a teenager doing all those sorts of things-for some reason I found this quite entertaining. When you get a moment, google ‘convos with my 2 yr old’ and you’ll appreciate the humour I’m sure :) have a great weekend.
I will! I’ve been reading The Honest Toddler and it has helped me keep a sense of humor about this stage she’s in. It’s also reaffirmed my love of liquor.
My husband and I had a rule. I could call him and tell him he had to come home early and he had to, no matter what. I was not allowed to abuse this rule and actually I only had to use it once. But it was so nice to know that if the day was just that bad, I could call for help.
The time I had to use it? It was almost noon, I was still in my PJs, and my three year old was so awful I called and said, “Get home early or someone is going to die. I don’t know if it will be her or be me, but someone is going to die.” Of course I ws exaggerating….a little….and now she is 23 and all is well!
I think I may have to insist on implementing that policy in my home too!
These are the days that I stick her in the high chair and give her a bowl of ice cream. Then, I go and sit on the couch and prepare myself for the inevitable sugar crash… and pray it doesn’t happen until daddy gets home.
I remember my mom telling me a story about a day when my brother was being horrible as a toddler, so she stuck him in his carseat and just gave him a bag of Skittles. These tactics are brilliant.
Cee is a great judge of character. You are SO obviously Hitler.
This one really made me laugh. At least you got that going for you :)
She had better be careful or I will channel Hitler and Stalin’s lovechild.
PS, I love how I am now apparently OK with making jokes about fascist dictators now.
If you can’t make jokes about fascist dictators, who can you make jokes about?
Awwww….the sweet emotional roller coaster that is a toddler. I recalled fondly how my son burst into tears yesterday when I helped him put on the Spiderman shirt he requested because…why the fuck not?
You clearly erred because you didn’t give him a pony and a bag of sugar with his shirt.
Mary Beth used to let Nick drive his cars inside the dishwasher. Not having a dishwasher, I was never able to use this ploy…
C loves to dump water from container to container, but whenever I try to get her to do it in the dishwasher, she actually tries to do dishes. And while I appreciate her lending a hand around the house, the dinner plates do not belong stacked on the toilet.
Omg i feel you !! I feel like a robot whos imune to being hit by their children and yelled at when they are not happy campers?!!!
We both need to invest in skateboard padding.
Yes. Toddlers are tiny little dictators that we created ourselves. (taken from my favorite eCard)
Stealing that ;D
Sometimes you just have to hit the ignore button on your kids :P
That button must look an awful lot like Elmo.
It’s funny how someone so small has so much power.
They are little Napoleons.
I see what you did there.
Hello Lovey, just a quick note to let you know I have nominated you for a WordPress family award. i know you are past these things but you have made me feel part of the wordpress family! Love you, MBW
Thank you! I am never past getting love from people who I love back ;D
Haha!! Super cute and relatable! I too have the most illogical interactions which my two toddlers. Part of the reason why I’m not having any more babies– why add more people I don’t understand to this circus?
But it’s so FUN to be told what to do by people who are 25 pounds! Oh screw it, I don’t believe it either.
I would take toddlers over tweenagers any day!
Glad to hear that I have a lot to look forward to.
Agree!!!!! I didn’t get this post at first. I just was nostalgic for the days when I could please my children at all, even for that brief moment when they hear “Let’s go to the park.” It’s very cute when a toddler tells you you suck, because you know you only suck for about three seconds and you don’t believe it anyway. When a tween tells you you suck, she means it and hangs on to it long enough for you to start to think that maybe you really do suck.
I am going to carry the image of C excitedly saying, “Owsigh! Shooooooo!” throughout my day and try to remember that my kids were cute once, too.
Ahahahaha! YES. So much yes. After three full days of toddler I’m surprised I can understand the outside world when I need to re-enter it.
She might have won the battle, but you’ll win the war.
…right?
I’m done with that. But teens are hard too!
Just tread lightly…shhhh…don’t disturb the beast…
As a mom, you’re an Olympian, Emily.
Good job.
Fingers jabbed into my eyes so I can not read your words in fear that all those repressed memories from my boys’ childhood will come flooding back! Stay strong.
i remember when i had toddlers/babies how much i hated the Sunday in the Fall when the time changed. Suddenly we were up at like 4:30am. Does that still happen or have modern kids adjusted (i.e. told the parents what they were going to do?).
Oh, those days that stretch on for a lifetime. You’ve got good survival skills.
Brilliant! I’m around other people’s children often enough on these days that I can truly appreciate the joy of being to walk away. I also LOVED this bit: “In a fit of overwhelmed glee, she noticed the pillow across the room and decided to go lie down for a second.” Your child is a genius.