Now more than ever, I find myself questioning many of the things that I thought I knew about myself. Going back to work has been a catalyst for self-examination and recalibration, and while I love channeling my energy into work and professional endeavors and figuring out who Emily the Mom/Employee is, nearly every day I miss those not-too-far-away days that I spent all my time with C. Those days were hard, but they required far less of a balancing act than my life does now. I’m not a natural multitasker and prefer to throw myself 100% into one activity.
And, you know, parenting is *really* good for when you want to give yourself over to one all-encompassing chore.
That and watching cartoons. Not gonna lie, I miss watching Peep and the Big Wide World so much.
My role in life is changing. Nothing makes me feel more like a grownup than having a job outside the home AND being a parent. There are just so many parties to please. I’m trying to find that work/life balance, and as you might collect by the fact that I rarely blog at all anymore, I’m having a hard time with it. It’s so much trickier than I could have anticipated to just carve out time for myself. And when I do manage to clear my schedule for that elusive “Me Time”, I usually just default to my phone and scroll mindlessly through Facebook.
My mind wanders to everything else I
could should be doing at that exact second.
It’s often very difficult to just be present and content with Life in the exact moments that we find it.
When I work, I work.
When I don’t work, I parent.
This leave 7.5 extra hours in the day, and during that time, I sleep.
But one thing that has remained the same throughout all the transitions I’m going through right now is my daughter’s effortless persistence to jolt me into those moments of pure wakefulness and attentiveness. Over the past month or so, she’s quietly become a little girl and has left a handful of her babyish tendencies behind. She sings songs, sits quietly in church (knock on wood), creates elaborate games, and has started asking for what she wants and needs with complete sentences.
Now, I cannot rely on the broad stretches of time I had when I was home with her to inform my impressions of her. Instead, I have a few hours a day to consider my C. What glimpses of peace and knowing I enjoy are almost always the moments when I discipline my mind to just shut the cacophony that surrounds it out and crawl inside her own little world.
It’s amazing all you can learn from a two-and-a-half-year-old girl.