So, there are many things I like about my life as a mom. These include having conversations with C about the glories of cheese; feeling a sense of personal accomplishment when she reaches milestones like potty training; and the fact that if I ever want to get out of anything, I can just say that my kid is sick.
This post isn’t about those things. It’s about the fact that there’s now a new edition of The Lion King called The Lion Guard and it’s the worst movie ever and must be stopped.
Do you remember the awe you felt when you first saw The Lion King? I was in sixth or seventh grade when the movie came out, and from the moment Rafiki thrust baby Simba into the air, I was transfixed. The story has humor, profound sadness, AND FREAKIN ELTON JOHN WROTE THE MUSIC.
So naturally, when a movie attains such perfection as The Lion King has over the years, out prowl the hyenas – sequels. The Lion Guard is such a sequel, and it’s sucking my soul away because it has only a tenth of the greatness of the original movie AND because C is completely obsessed with it.
She’s not even interested in seeing the real Lion King.
Clearly, nothing is sacred anymore, and I for one find that sad. Sequels are going to be made – the odds are literally in favor of this fact – but for all that’s good and holy, I hope that Disney never elects to remake or create sequels to any of these movies that are favorites in our house.
- Robin Hood (1973)
This is easily C’s favorite movie, proving that sometimes the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree – it was my favorite when I was a preschooler too. I’ve seen a fair number of memes floating around about Robin’s sex appeal, but I think we can all agree that this movie is made by the Sheriff of Nottingham, voiced by the same guy who was Mr. Haney on Green Acres.
If there were ever a sequel to Robin Hood, I couldn’t handle it. A sequel would have to delve into the messy world of the Crusades and the Disney Corporation doesn’t have a great track record of cinematizing the systematic slaughter of millions of people. Have you seen Pocahontas?
- Peter Pan (1953)
The first nail in the coffin of this classic story was hammered in 2002 with the release of Return to Never Land. Then, the travesty of Jake and the Neverland Pirates and the myriad crapfully crappy Tinkerbell adventures signaled the lowering of the body of Peter Pan straight into the grave. This is the thing we should fear most about growing up: that our childhood favorites are ruined by a young Disney producer whose college buddies like to dress up as pirates and make up awful songs.
- The Jungle Book (1967)
A live-action remake is in the works for this classic Disney flick, but somehow that seems OK since they’re (presumably) not following Mowgli’s post-jungle life. I really don’t want to know what happens to him in the Man Village or how his path crossed with Gandhi or whatever.
- Mary Poppins (1964)
It was traumatizing enough when they trotted out Carrie Underwood as Maria Von Trapp for the TV version of The Sound of Music. If Disney remade Mary Poppins and tried to slip her in Julie Andrew’s place again, I would have to recant on my promise to take C to Disneyworld when she is 10. There may or may not be a Disney bonfire in our front lawn too.
- The Sword In the Stone (1963)
Last but not least is The Sword In the Stone, probably my favorite Disney animated film of all time. I liked it so much that in college, I ended up writing my thesis on the book it’s based on, The Once and Future King. The movie tells the story of the childhood of legendary King Arthur and leaves off right after he pulls the mystical sword from the stone and becomes the destined king of England. While the idea of a Disney sequel to the movie with a grown-up King Arthur is intriguing, I have the sneaking suspicion that they’d try to sneak Jason Segel or Seth Rogan in there and ruin the whole thing.