Big news on the social media front, folks!
In case you haven’t heard, yesterday Facebook introduced its highly anticipated Reactions. In a status update on his own page, Mark Zuckerberg described Reactions as “the new Like button with more ways to express yourself.” This is great news to me, at least, because I’ve always felt that the roughly 6,500 languages spoken on our planet just weren’t cutting it in our quest to leave Facebook commentary. That’s a task that only a series of emojis could adequately handle.According to Facebook, Reactions are basically an answer to the long-held complaint of many users that the Like button wasn’t especially useful when people posted updates about their dead dogs or their crashed cars or their overcooked hamburgers; they needed a Dislike button and they needed it yesterday! How else were they going to passively demonstrate to their downstairs neighbor from nine years ago their acknowledgment of his or her current travail?
Since human experience is as nuanced as the myriad ways we choose to describe it on social media, I’d say that Reactions are a nice answer to the need for a Dislike button. Much like a parent whose teenager has begged for the latest gadget for months, Facebook has given us a sensible, cost-effective knockoff that will help us develop some character for God’s sake.
I for one have never taken well to change on Facebook. I mean, I’m still reeling from the addition of a Banner photo option a couple years back; choosing a decent profile pic was hard enough, and now you mean to tell me that I have to take a panoramic photo, too? The pressure is almost too much to bear. Perhaps you, too, feel an overwhelming sense of dread when you think about this post-Reaction world we are now living in.
But, fear not, friends, for I am here to give you a quick-and-easy primer on when to use the new Facebook Reactions.
Ah, Like, our old friend. Like is great for the following scenarios:
- When your high school classmate tags you in a photo where you are 50 pounds lighter, 15+ years younger, and you only dyed your hair out of boredom
- When some brand urges you to like its status because you might get a free giftcard or coupon out of it
- When your mom posts on your wall asking why you haven’t called/ inquiring if you are alive
- Posts about cheese
- Posts about chocolate
- Posts about kittens
- Posts about babies
- Posts about kittens and babies wrestling in a kiddie pool filled with cheese and chocolate
- Literally any video involving a baby goat, but especially if said baby goat is wearing pajamas
- When a friend posts that they just gave birth in a car
- When an ordinarily discreet Facebook friend shares his or her views on how Donald Trump “is great for America because he tells it like it is”
- When, like, a walrus or some other huge mammal is playing piano or painting or something
- When someone who actually did something good in the world passes away (ie. David Bowie, Gandhi, the IKEA monkey; a good rule of thumb to see if they are worthy of a sad Reaction is if Westboro Baptist Church is picketing their funeral). Use with extreme caution whenever a politician dies.
- Literally anything Donald Trump posts. Really, just go ahead and Angrify all of his posts. It’s time well-spent.