Sorry for the nearly week-long hiatus. I’ve been having pregnancy headaches lately and they seem to be exacerbated when I sit in front of the compy for longer than, like, 10 minutes. I have several close friends who have lived with real-deal migraines since childhood, so I don’t dare compare my pee wee head ouchies to their bona fide spells of misery. I also won’t compare my whiny attitude to their admirable ability to suck up pain and plow through it like the awesome women that they are. It’s a relatively recent thing for me not to call in sick to work on account of anticipated sniffles.

My body is definitely pregnant. I guess I could’ve said the same thing a couple months ago when I was feeling like a bucket of brackish water mixed with flecks of vomit and clots of saliva and some other element that indicates moodiness, but back then I didn’t really have much to show for it. Now I do. Here’s why:

1. Maternity clothes have been purchased. Yesterday, since the Gap was having a pretty awesome Columbus Day sale, I logged on to their website and ordered a pair of jeans and a sweater. Anticipating the sale, I had planned on ordering some clothes on that day for awhile. Thank God Americans chose to honor the wondrously silly Columbus when they do because I am in need. I seem to have developed a bump overnight and all my jeans are now uncomfortably tight and my muffin top is not all that. I am going to be walking around the house with my pants unbuttoned and unzipped until they arrive. I mean, I do have a little propriety; I’m not going to walk around pants-less or anything.

2. I have Edward Scissorhands fingernails. I’ve been a nail-biter since my brother was born 27 years ago, but not even I can keep up with the kudzu-esque growth rate of my nails. First of all, they’re now hard as a rock and not remotely brittle. I have to clip them every week. Let me put this in perspective: prior to the pregnancy, I would maybe clip my nails every two or three months if I was being good and not biting them and they hadn’t already broken because of the fact that they were made out of heavy card stock. Now, if I don’t clip them once I week, a camera crew from Ripley’s Believe It or Not will inevitably show up at my house by the estimated due date.

My Havoc-Wreaking Back

3. The backaches have started. I can kind of deal with the headaches, but what I can’t deal with are backaches. I have had serious back pain issues since I was a teenager and they have intensified in the past few years. I would imagine this is because at some point, my back became the class clown of my anatomy and decided to impress my lungs, ankles, retinas, and the rest of me with its shenanigans. Its crowning achievement was making me weep in front of my boss in Korea because the pain was so intense. That was indeed a proud moment.

Me

When we were in Korea, I got acupuncture treatments several times and they seemed to kind of work, but they were also super inexpensive compared to the US. I’ve been anticipating their arrival since I became pregnant, but I really didn’t think they’d start so early. Boo. If anything, I can be, err, a pregnant elderly lady for Halloween since I’ve already got the belly and the stature. That should scare/confuse all who behold me.

4. I’m getting parental. And by “parental” I mean “annoyed with unsolicited ‘advice’ on things I should do to raise my baby.” Enough has been said about how pregnant women get sick of hearing what they “ought” to do in regards to delivering the baby, naming the baby, and raising the baby, so I’m not really going to add to it. I would just like to say that, last I checked, my husband and I are the parents of our baby, and we have enough on our plate right now trying to coordinate the arrival of a new human to the world that we don’t need to start second guessing ourselves. That is all :)