Can I just gush for a sec? Thanks.
I’M 38 1/2 WEEKS PREGNANT! I could have my Bebe in my arms by next week’s end! Or – gasp! – this week’s end! Or – faint! – the end of today! I think back to when I found out about my pregnancy last July and I am flabbergasted that the time has flown/ crawled by. I’ve become convinced over the course of my pregnancy that when kids enter the picture, time becomes unhinged and doesn’t follow the rules that we’ve become accustomed to. It’s a grown-up version of the countdown to Christmas because it just crawls like mad but then at the end it flies.
A few thoughts:
- The Beebs has dropped it like it’s hot. Her new location in my tum tum is only a few inches south of where she’s been for the past months, but couple that with her tremendous size (doc said last week that she’s in the sevens now and will likely be in the high eights if she delivers on her due date) and I feel like a have a bowling ball in my uterus. Yeah, like Jessica Simpson. And while we’re on the subject,
- Jessica Simpson is annoying the crap out of me.
Yeah, WE KNOW you're pregnant. And so do the families and friends of several purple cotton boa constrictors who perished in the making of your dress.
I don’t know whether or not this is A Thing, but when I got pregnant I became much more attuned to the celebrities whose pregnancies were more or less on the same timetables as mine. I get that she has a clothing line and does all sorts of highly productive and beneficial-to-society celebrity spots for acne medications and whatnot, but am I the only person who still remembers the whole “chicken of the sea” bit? And how she had the eternal wisdom to broadcast her celebrity marriage on MTV? This is the same person, people. I really don’t know who on earth her target audience could possibly be other than skiivy guys or why anyone cares that she’s knocked up (seriously, Snooki is at least controversial and therefore interesting; Jessica is just milquetoast at best), much less that she’s some stand-up person for being yet another pregnant celebrity to pose nude for the cover of a magazine (remember Demi? This is nothing novel or original). IMHO, she really should take a note from Hilary Duff. Yeah, she just had a baby too, but she’s not using it to garner attention.
- Our home is a meat locker, but my husband doesn’t complain. Come to think of it, he is a complete lamb about nearly everything these days. I really need to compose an entire post in praise of B and how all my suspicions of him being The Only One For Me have been confirmed daily throughout my pregnancy.
Yeah, so he’s really cold all the time now because I am really hot all the time now, but he doesn’t whine about it at all. He rubs my feet, asks me how I’m feeling, takes me to On the Border*, talks to Bebe, plays Scrabble with me 8,000 times every weekend, makes the bed without being asked to, and is a walking gold standard.
*Which, I gotta say, is better in Korea. Yeah, OTB is in Korea, and they’ve got their shiznit together there because everything is properly seasoned and massively fresher than it is in the US.
- Mobility is limited. I’m like a wireless signal at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I’m not going anywhere. Walking around is difficult and rolling over in bed also takes a great deal of orchestration. Taking baths at the end of the day to ease back pain is almost not even worth it because getting in the tub also requires getting out of the tub, which is just a disaster waiting to happen. I am a land barge, the Big Kahuna, a whale. Feel free to insert your favorite nautically-themed metaphor here.
- And the bathroom runs are redonk. They weren’t kidding. I am truly amazed at the sheer plenitude of liquid making its way through my plumbing in an average 24 hours. See, the thing is, it’s not just that I have to pee all the time; it’s that I’m extraordinarily thirsty too.
- I’m feeling the love. It’s nice to have people checking in on me all the time to make sure I’m OK. Navigating pregnancy in this day and age is a strange little thing in that everyone has an opinion about what is too much or too little to tell. Heck, I have to agree with many of the blogs I read where pregnant women are railed against because they broadcast every minute detail of the expansion of their uterus on all manner of social media outlets. I agree with this stance, but at the same time I want to talk about my baby all the time too. I tend to defer to holding back. Yeah, I’m a cool kid; I’ve got so much more going on in my life than this kid (No, actually, I don’t). So when friends and family call or email daily to check on me and make sure I’m alright during these last few moments of childlessness, it gives me the warm and fuzzies. I’m allowed to gush and be me and be proud of experiencing this point in my life. I’m allowed to be cared for. ‘Tis good.
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So, I attempted to write a funny post yesterday. Won’t lie; I actually think it’s really really funny. Unfortunately, it apparently had some trouble posting to some of y’all’s feeds. It may have posted, but the time signature was all bizarre. I dunno. Anyway, will you read it if you didn’t already? (And, of course, thanks to all those who did and posted comments.) Pweeze? *Kiss*
The Waiting 
Jessica Simpson needs to be voted off the island! And if she’s gained only 40lbs, then I only gained 1lb…and I had an 11lb baby. She’s so full of it.
I’m glad I’m not the only person who thinks so. People always rag on Paris Hilton and the Kardashians for being useless celebrities (which, don’t get me wrong, they ARE) but it boggles the mind that JS isn’t also placed in this category. Name me one great aesthetic contribution she’s made to music or films and I will change my tune.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Her sister can go in that category too. She only famous for having a decent nose job and that’s it.
Oh, and famously clamming up and doing a hoedown dance on SNL when her prerecorded musical number was effed up. What a great family.
The hoedown! That was classic. Her performance is one of those go-to youtube videos for when you need a good laugh. That, and the Miss South Carolina Iraq War question. “The Iraq and South Africa…”
with my first and second, the last three weeks was the hardest because I *knew* I could be holding my baby any day. I got sick of people calling and asking “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” We changed the message on our machine to a guessing game and quit answering the phone.
I have no tips for you except to suggest that you make some critically important, unbreakable plans. The baby will arrive just in time to disrupt them.
LOL! Good thing we’ve already booked ours and the baby’s nonrefundable tix for a summer in Africa!
I remember chicken of the sea. I remember feeling like a barge. I remember being hot, though it was primarily because Chicago had one of the worst heatwaves on record. Think over 100 degrees and nine months pregnant. My bebe was “only” 8 lbs 2 oz. Have a lot of fun with yours! May your delivery be swift and as painfree as possible.
Chicago gets a lot of press for redonk winters, but you are so right about the scorchers during the summer too. So hot! Thanks for the well-wishes. I’m going to do my best to push this Bebe out like a mofo.
Emily,
Each time I read your blog, I enjoy it more ! I laugh, I cry, I ‘m proud, and sometimes I’m sad because I can’t just put my arms around you & give you a hug…OMG, that sounds like I can’t hug you because you’re a barge, a whale, or a Junior Plenty ( in my day that was the department in Sears for the fuller girls )…..To be clear…..it’s because I live in another state !
LOL I love you so much! But no worries, you probably couldn’t put your arms all the way around me anyway. B and I are perfecting the “side hug.”
BTW “Junior Plenty” completely sounds like candy one would buy at the movie theater. Yum.
I am totally with you on JS. She is in a constant state of oversharing media whoredom (if that is even an actual, useable phrase). I am also with you being hot all of the time. My husband commented last night on how cold it is in the house and I am walking around in my bra and panties sweating like a cow as well as feeling like a cow. For your sake I hope you deliver on or before your due date. Today is 40 weeks and 6 days for me and I am ready for baby!!
THANK YOU! I feel a little vile hating on her since she’s just as massive and probably as uncomfortable as I am, but I really just don’t want to hear her talk about her vajayjay on national television. I mean, I have my own blog where I have a much tinier audience, but there are a few anatomical things that I will NEVER disclose, even if it gets me hits.
Hang in there! You are SO CLOSE! :D Munch that ice, lady!
I keep thinking your next post will be that she’s arrived! Not long to go now! (April Fool’s Day perhaps? :))
Hahaha if this child takes after her mother at all, April Fool’s Day will be an extremely apt day for her arrival. Even though she’s due on Good Friday, I think she is familiar enough with irony at this point to come on that day instead.
I’m SO with you on Jessica Simpson. She’s obnoxious. And I hate that she’s so insecure that she has to constantly talk about how little weight she’s supposedly gained.
In other news, I can’t believe you’re already so close! I’m so excited for you!
I’m glad I’m not the only one. Yesterday when I was writing this I did a quick Google search of “Jessica Simpson pregnant annoying” so I could see how many other people agreed with me (whoever said I didn’t research my posts?) and I was kind of shocked to see that a bigger deal had not been made out of how obnoxiously she’s dealt with her pregnancy. Well I’m raising awareness.
I can’t believe it either, and I also can’t believe how big Sonia is getting! She’s, like, a real PERSON now! Time sure flies when you’re making people.
Haha, I know! She’s like in the 97th percentile for length for her age. She’s going to be a giant. She’s a week shy of 6 months and I feel like I already have a toddler. They aren’t kidding when they tell you it goes fast!
JESSICA SIMPSON’S BABY IS GOING TO EAT ITS WAY OUT! SHE’D BETTER LOOK OUT BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO RIP THE HELL OUT OF THAT MOO MOO, FIND A KNIFE AND USE JS AS A HUMAN SHIELD ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN WHERE IT WILL SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THE CHEF. AND THAT’S WHEN THE MECONIUM WILL COME.
That is the exact same scenario I had in mind.
I am so excited!! I am glad you are hanging in there and that B is so awesome (but of course, I knew he would be, because he always is) :) I don’t ever go anywhere without my phone now! Can’t wait! I love you!
These last few days have been boring and long. It’s the equivalent of answering the praise line for the IRS, just waiting on a call that probably won’t come today. Can’t wait to make that call to you though! Love you!
So close !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excited for you!!!!!!!!
Thank you! Hopefully not too much longer!
Your joy is ours! I loved being pregnant, so being allowed to peep into your experience through your blog is like vicarious fulfillment. And the last days were the best of all. Now, then, are you ready for your cycle to start again in a couple of moons? :D
Hahaha! What’s a cycle? I seem to have forgotten.
You’re right; the last weeks are really different than the rest of the pregnancy. I’ve loved being pregnant too so it’s kind of bittersweet that its almost over. KIND OF. Having the baby with us will cancel out any amount of sadness I’ll feel that I’m still pregnant with her.
Babies are so exciting! Good luck! :)
Thank you! I’ll need it!
I am not pregnant and super sick of Jessica Simpson. Also every time I see her I think of her creepy dad manager.
I would imagine she’d be even more annoying if you weren’t pregnant. Her entire family needs to go away. Possibly on an island with the entire Kardashian family.
La-la-la, can’t hear you (me ignoring Jessica Simpson). Kudos to B – he sounds so awesome, supportive, and everything a soon to be daddy should be. Thank you for sharing your pregnancy journey.
He is indeed a gem. I am very blessed! Thanks for reading. It’s wonderful to get encouragement and advice from awesome ladies like yourself who have been through it ;)
So close now! This will seem like the longest stretch of time in history because you are WAITING more than ever these last few weeks.
It is so long! I feel like I’m literally just sitting around just watching the clock. Never in my life have I been so impatient to be in pain.
Well you are peeing for two now. Bathroom breaks are bound to be out of control.
LOL that’s true!
Even though I’ve only been following your blog for a few months, I feel very excited for you and B – who, by the way, sounds like an incredible man!
Thank you for your sweet comment! He is indeed pretty great. Maybe someday he’ll give me permission to link to his blog on my blog!
Great blog! I loved the comment about Jessica Simpson’s dress. I watched her new fashion designer contest show the other day and was so annoyed by her.
Congratulations on the baby as well! How exciting!
Thank you and welcome! We are very excited…and impatient. I don’t know if I can go one more week preggo!
[…] The Waiting […]
Jessica Simpson scares the crap out of me without the giant barge in front of her!! I am nowhere near that size but praying I get there. Great blog and good luck xxxx
Thanks! Trust me, you’ll get there. Only a couple months ago I would say flippantly to my husband “gee, I wonder when I’ll start showing.” And now I am giving JS a run for her money on my enormity.
Congrats and look forward to following your blog!
Huge hugs…..while I can still get near :) xx